


Rebuild (Second Chance)

by John_Shepard



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Memory Loss, POV John, POV Kaidan, Threesome - M/M/M, War
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-10
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:07:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 55,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23093794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/John_Shepard/pseuds/John_Shepard
Summary: Losing Kaidan broke Commander Shepard, but when Cerberus offered him the chance to get him back, he didn't hesitate to join them. ME2, ME3 Flashback from ME1
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard, Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard/Shepard Clone, Miranda Lawson/Jacob Taylor, Steve Cortez/James Vega
Comments: 61
Kudos: 30





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Fuck_The_Gods](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fuck_The_Gods/gifts).



> This fiction is something I want to write for a long time. I would have more about kaidan recovery in the next chapter. I hope you all like it. I have fun writing it.

After the Illusive man finished speaking, Miranda got thoughtful. In her lab, she has something that belonged to Commander Shepard, the body of the man he loves, Kaidan Alenko, who died two months ago when the Normandy got attacked by an identified vessel. With Liara's help, Cerberus obtained the Lieutenant's body, and now the Illusive Man is ordering his reconstruction that will cost a fortune, but they have the resources to rebuild it. "Why Alenko, if it is Shepard who we need in our side?" Miranda has never questioned her boss, but now she has doubts about his orders.

"Miranda, I am surprised that you are doubting me, you know the kind of relationship the Commander and Lieutenant Alenko had. Shepard is a tough man, but the death of Kaidan Alenko has crumbled him, in one way that the man resigned from the Alliance."

"You are right, losing Alenko was hard on the Commander," Miranda admitted. She has seen a video of the man after the Normandy went down and is somewhat depressing.

"That's why I want you to find Shepard, to inform him that we have the Lieutenant's body and the resources to rebuild it. I believe in Shepard's report about the Reapers; therefore, humanity is in danger, and he is the man who can save it. I am sure that if the Commander knows that we can bring Kaidan Alenko back, he will join us, and together, we can save humanity."

Illusive man is right, Miranda thought. If there is a person who can save humanity is Commander Shepard, and she can give him the motivation he needs to do it. "Okay, I will pay a visit to the commander."

"I'm glad you understood Miranda. I know that our effort to recover Kaidan Alenko's body will be worth it when the Commander joins us. I also can't deny that the Lieutenant was an excellent soldier; having him on our side will be a big help. "

"I hope you're right, Kaidan Alenko was very loyal to the Alliance."

"So is Shepard, and I'm sure he won't deny our help."

"I hope you are right."

Miranda returned to her office; she knows where the Commander is staying; he went to live with his mother. She has studied Shepard for months; when he is not in a bar, he is at home sleeping as if he has lost the desire to live. Cerberus agents have seen the Commander pick up a fight for no reason, but he always wins and ends up in the corner of the bar drinking until dawn.

Miranda clearly remembers the conversation she had with Liara, the Lieutenant was a good friend, and she was worried about Shepard's state of mind. Liara was right to be worried, the simple fact that the man had quit his job said a lot about his state of mind. Miranda would never have imagined that a man like the Commander, who has a reputation for being ruthless, has fallen so deeply in love.

Miranda needs to travel to the solar system and go to earth. She has everything ready when she boarded the shuttle one hour later. The trip was going to be a bit long, so Miranda has time to think about how she is going to approach the Commander.

Miranda can understand what Shepard is going through because although she has not lost anyone in her life, she has a genetic sister, and she cares deeply about her. It would tear her apart if something happened to her sister. The illusive man is right, Shepard is grieving right now, so if she offered him an opportunity to see the Lieutenant again, he would take it without hesitation.

Miranda also believes that the threat of the Reapers is real. She works for Cerberus because they do anything for humanity, but they need Shepard, who, despite being just one man, had proved that he could win a war against any enemy. Miranda can't deny that she admires the man. Shepard doesn't let anyone gets in his way, and she loves that about him.

Miranda has not had an easy life; Cerberus made her life feel meaningful. She is a very talented woman, but there is something that worried her, and it is Kaidan's memory. When Miranda examined Lieutenant's brain, she saw damages that could affect his memories. Kaidan has been dead for two months, so he has not had brain activity for too long, and she is afraid that when he wakes up, he would not remember anything about his past.

Miranda had never had such an important project. Rebuilding Kaidan's body is going to be a challenge for her, but Miranda is sure she can do it. What she must do now is win Shepard trust who is a very suspicious man. Shepard fought Cerberus, so all Miranda must do now is convince him that they are on his side.

,,,

_John stopped jogging, leaned down, and placed his hands on his thighs then took several heavy breaths. He saw his boyfriend, who stood in front of him while he was jogging and stared at him. "I don't know how you can continue; I'm exhausted." His boyfriend had woken him up from his nap to go exercise since they are both a bit out of shape. John thinks they are healthy, but Kaidan doesn't think so, and he agreed because he didn't want to argue with him._

_"We have not gone far, but you feel tired because you are out of shape. We spent all week eating junk food and drinking beer."_

_John straightened his body and crossed his arms around his chest. John made an angry face, but the truth is that he can't get mad at his man. "Are you trying to tell me that I'm fat lieutenant?"_

_Kaidan knew he is going to get into trouble with what he is about to say, but he couldn't help it. "A little chubby, yes." Kaidan saw John start moving towards him, so he stopped jogging and put his hands in front. "Don't touch me, you're sweaty," Kaidan warned, but he saw the determination in his man's eyes and realized that his warning was in vain._

_John ignored his boyfriend, grabbed him by the waist, and led him to a tree nearby. "There's a better way to burn calories, you know?" John moved his hips so that his man felt his erection. "I can assure you that I can make you burn a thousand calories in an hour."_

_Kaidan chuckled. "We've tried that kind of exercise all week, and it hasn't worked out."_

_John brought his mouth to his man's ear and tightened his waist. Kaidan was sweaty, but his masculine scent drives him crazy. "I can move faster to make you sweat, even more, love. What do you say?"_

_Kaidan could not say no to that invitation. He has become addicted to his Commander's body. John knows how to make him scream like a wild wolf in bed. "Then let's finish so we can go home soon."_

_"You know there is a hill nearby and is isolated from everything and everyone," John teased his boyfriend because he is sure his answer would be no. Kaidan is too by the book to venture to have sex outdoors._

_"You're crazy; we're not going to have sex in the open."_

_John started laughing. "I was kidding, babe, but the idea is appealing."_

_Kaidan gave his love a short kiss. "In your dreams, love."_

_Kaidan slipped away, and he let out a grunt then started jogging next to Kaidan. It is lovely to be with his Lieutenant outside the ship. John had never enjoyed a short leave like this one. His relationship with Kaidan has been the best thing that has happened to him in a long time. John never thought he was going to fall in love the way he did, and he doesn't regret it. His Lieutenant loves him and takes care of him in a way that only his mother has done._

_Getting up in the morning next to his Lieutenant is terrific, but what he enjoys the most is when they take a shower together. John is having such a good time, he doesn't want to go back to work, and that's a miracle because he loves his job. Kaidan has brought stability to his life, and he made him understand that life is not just a constant fight, that there are more important things in life than work. John still loves what he does, but he loves those moments with Kaidan much more._

_They arrived at the house half an hour later; they were eating ice cream. "This ice cream is good."_

_Kaidan laughed. "I can't believe you convinced me to buy ice cream after our workout. I mean, we lost all that calorie for nothing, because we've put it all back."_

_John was not worried about his body right now. He loves ice cream and realized that when he found it in his man's fridge a week back. "Don't worry, babe; we will burn those calories in a few minutes." John licked his ice cream cone. He then thought it was six pm and they haven't eaten since noon. "You know babe, we haven't had dinner yet; do we have steak?"_

_"John!" Kaidan could not believe how much his boyfriend eats. When they were on the ship, his Commander was cautious about what he ate, to keep his body fit, but now the man wants to eat everything that comes to mint._

_After they finished eating their ice cream, John went to the kitchen, and opened the fridge and took out two pieces of steak. "What do you want to eat it with, fries or mashed potatoes?" John asked, but his boyfriend just kept quiet while looking at him. "What is wrong, babe?"_

_Kaidan walked to his man and stood in front of him. "It's strange to see you here with me. It's only been a week, and you're all tamed."_

_"I don't know what you're talking about," John said and chuckled._

_"You know what I am talking about, John. Back in the Normandy, your decisions were life or death, now you worry about what we are going to eat. I love this side of you, Commander Shepard. I love this side of you?"_

_"You only love that side of me? I thought you loved me completely."_

_Kaidan closed the refrigerator door then grabbed his Commander by his waist, and caught him against it. "You know I love everything about you, John Shepard."_

_John smiled and tilted his head down to kiss his boyfriend, and as he did, she wrapped his lover's body with his arms. "I love you too, madly," he whispered between kisses. When he broke the contact between them, he was out of breath. "You know, let's forget dinner, I have another kind of hunger now."_

_Kaidan smiled and stepped back. "I knew it was going to work," Kaidan said, then he turned around and started walking away from his man._

_"Wait a minute; you turned me on so that I forgot about food?"_

_"Yeah," Kaidan said but continued walking._

_"You are evil." He ran to his man and stopped in front of him. "Do you really think I'm a bit chubby?"_

_"Yeah, so ... do you want to burn calories or not? I promise to move my tongue the way you like it."_

_"Damn babe, you know I can't say no to that. You know my weaknesses."_

_Immediately John finished speaking; he pulled his man into a hot kiss. He caught him against the wall, and then took off his shirt and threw it on the floor and then took off his and threw it next to Kaidan's. Their kisses and their touches got hotter. They reached the middle of the way to the bathroom when his man stopped, and then he knelt in front of him and unbuttoned his zipper. John let out an intense moan when Kaidan put his entire cock into his mouth._

_"Babe..." John muttered and sucked the air when Kaidan sucked his tip. "Oh, fuck, I love when you do that, Lieutenant." John tangled his fingers in Kaidan's hair and pulled it when his man clenched his balls. "Fuck, Kaidan!"_

_Sex with Kaidan is more than good is exotic, sexy, and enjoyable. John could have two orgasms and continue hard. John can't say that he fell in love with his boyfriend because of how good he is in bed, but that influenced a lot. What he enjoys most is to fuck his man's ass, which is so tight that he can't last too long inside it. "Babe put everything inside I beg you, I like it when you do that to me." A few minutes later, John was panting uncontrollably. "Oh fuck, fuck, babe, I want to come in your mouth." John did. "Fuck!" His legs weakened, but for a few seconds only, and when Kaidan released his cock and got up, he kissed him with the same passion of a while ago._

_Kaidan reached for his loving cock. "I love how; after an orgasm, you are still hard."_

_"That only happens to me with you, because you drive me crazy. I love you."_

_"Me too love."_

,,,

John moaned and put his hand inside his underwear, then pulled his cock out. John murmured Kaidan's name while he was stroking himself and closed his eyes to imagine his lover. John pressed his lips before cuming, not to moan loudly since his mother's bedroom was next to his. He twisted his hand around the head, and that took _him to the end, then after spilling into the sheet, John stayed still for a moment._

_It is the first time John pleasure himself after his man died because, in the last two months, he has been feeling numb, but that dream was too much. He resigned from the Alliance because his life without Kaidan makes no sense. What is the point of fighting if no one believes in the cause, and the only person who blindly believed in you is gone? He spends his days drunk or asleep; that is the only way to avoid thinking about Kaidan._

_John cleaned up the mess he had made then went to_ his bathroom. _He opened the bathtub faucet and let the water run to warm up while he brushes his teeth. A few minutes later, John entered the bathtub. When the water began to fall throug_ h his body, he put his hands on the shower wall and closed his eyes. John remembered how that day after making love to Kaidan, they took a long shower _together, and he couldn't longer contain the tears._

John sat in the bathtub and put his arms around his knees, then hid his face in it. The water washed away the tears, but not his memories that began to flow hard in his mind. John doesn't know what to do with that overwhelming desire he has to hug Kaidan again. John never thought there was someone in this galaxy who could make him believe in love, but he found that person to lose him a few months later. Kaidan's funeral was devastating for him, and seeing his lover's parents cry for their son's death ended up breaking his heart much more than it already was.

Kaidan's mother has come to see him a few times, both his lover's mom and his have supported him through his pain, but nothing has worked. Nothing makes his pain decrease, quite the opposite it grows with time, because every day that passes by, he misses Kaidan even more. The first weeks after his lover's death has been horrible, he woke up crying with the memories of the last glance Kaidan gave him before closing the escape hatch before he was thrown away into space.

John gave an order to Kaidan, and it was the first time he disobeyed him. He should have made his lover obey him, but he didn't, because he has never been hard on him, and that led to his death. John no longer knows what to do to stop suffering, or cry; his life has become a constant pain. His mother is the only person he has left, but it is not enough, it should be, but it is not, his life will never be the same.

Finally, John stopped crying and finished showering. He returned to his bedroom and dressed casually in jeans and a blue shirt and then left his room. John found his mother in the kitchen; she was preparing breakfast, so he approached Hannah and kissed her cheek. "Good morning, mother."

"Good morning, son."

His mother didn't ask him how he felt, and he knows it's because he always gives her the same answer, and John thanked that she didn't. He sat at the counter in silence and watched his mother cook. When Hannah Shepard put the plate in front of him, John hesitated to grab the fork because he wasn't hungry, but he knew that if he didn't eat, she is going to give him a speech and John doesn't want to hear it. So, John grabbed the fork and started eating to please her, because the bottom line is, he is still alive for her.

Hannah Shepard is a good woman; she raised him well; she taught him to be a good man. When John decided to follow in his mother's footsteps and enter the army, his parents taught him how to be tough. When John lost his father, his mother was hurting, but she was there for him. The two together overcame his dad's loss, but now not even his mother's love has been able to make the pain go away.

After John finished eating, then he grabbed a beer from the fridge and went to the living room. He sat on the couch and turned on the TV, and then he saw his mother stand in front of him. "What's wrong, mother?"

"You don't think it's too early to start drinking?"

John frowned. "Mom, please don't start with your scolding, it's too early for that."

Hannah ignored her son. "Anderson called me to ask me when you were going to return to the Alliance."

John frowned again and tilted his head sideways to look at his mother. "I thought I was clear with the man. I quit mom. I'm done and nothing is going to change my mind.”

"John, I understand that you are grieving, but you have a bright future with the Alliance, you can just quit."

"If you really understood me, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now, so don't say you understand my pain."

"Of course, I understand your pain, son, or you forgot everything I suffered when your father died?" Hannah saw her son's eyes fill with tears, so she sat beside him and grabbed his right hand. "You told me about your feelings for Kaidan, so I know you are suffering a lot, but you have to keep going. I believe in everything you reported to the Alliance, the Reapers still there. You must continue fighting for this galaxy; I'm sure that is what Kaidan would have liked you to do."

John placed the bottle on the table next to the furniture and got up. He clenched his fist and reminded himself that it is his mother, who is sitting on that sofa, and he has never disrespected her, but she was making him angry. "The Alliance didn't believe in me, they, like the council, discarded my finding of the reapers and sent me to fight Geths." John took a deep breath. "Kaidan died fighting for the wrong cause! So, I don't want anything to do with the Alliance. I don't want to fight against anything of anyone. This galaxy can go to hell!"

"John, how can you talk like that?"

"How the hell do you want me to talk, mom? Kaidan didn't want to go back to work, he wanted us to stay in his apartment, he was afraid something would happen to me, and it was he who died. Fate took him away from me, so I'm fucking done!" John shouted at her.

"What about me? I live in this galaxy too; I'm your mother, fight for me!"

John turned around to not look at his mother. He closed his eyes for a moment and thought about Kaidan. Maybe he would have wanted him to continue what they started, but he didn't have the strength to do it without him. "I can't go on mom; without Kaidan, nothing makes sense anymore." He turned around, and with tears in his eyes, he looked at his mother. "Please, mom, don't push me to do something I don't want anymore. Let me be alone with my pain." John saw his mother open her mouth to talk, but at that moment, someone knocked on the door, and she left the living room to open it.

John's mother returned, but she wasn't alone; she was accompanied by a lady he has never seen before, and for some reason, his mother looked angry. "Mom, what's wrong, and who is this woman?"

Miranda looked closely at the Commander. "Commander Shepard, my name is Miranda Lawson; I work for an organization called Cerberus."

John frowned upon hearing that name, and he shared a confused look with his mother. "What does Cerberus want with me?" John asked with an angry tone of voice.

"Can we talk alone?" Miranda asked while looking at Mrs. Hannah.

"No," John flatly said. "And tell me quickly what that terrorist organization wants to do with me or leave my house."

"Commander Shepard-" Miranda began to say, but he saw the man put his hands in front.

"Shepard only, I don't own that title anymore," John clarified to the woman. "Please continue."

"For now. Shepard, my business with you, has a lot to do with Kaidan Alenko."

John's eyes widened. "What the hell does Cerberus wants with Kaidan? He's dead!" John growled. Kaidan hated Cerberus; they have nothing to say about Kaidan.

"Talk or leave my house," Hannah said.

"Shepard, I have Kaidan's Alenko body in my lab, and Cerberus has the resources to rebuild it. Now can we speak alone?"

For a moment, John got speechless; his brain was trying to process what he had heard. If there is an opportunity for him to see his Kaidan again, he will take it. John has seen so many strange things that he thinks everything is possible, and after what he and Kaidan saw on that base, he believes that Cerberus is capable of everything.

John looked at his mother. "Mom, leave us alone."

"John, you can't believe what this woman says. You know the kind of organization is that."

John took a deep breath and looked at Miranda, who seemed sincere. "Mom, please leave me alone with her." His mother sighed and then left the room, then he looked at Miranda. "Talk. How ... Kaidan's body ended in Cerberus's hands, and is it true that you can rebuild it?"

"Can I sit down?" John nodded, so she took a seat. Miranda noticed the man looked worn out, but she expected that after everything that happened. "I am not authorized to say how, Cerberus acquired Kaidan's body, but I can assure you that I can bring the Lieutenant back fully functioning. The gang that had Kaidan's body kept it in a stasis pod, and that preserved what remained of his body. At first, Kaidan may have trouble remembering since his brain has been inactive for a long time, but over time he will be able to recover his memories and be the same man you love." Miranda saw the surprise on the Commander's face. "Cerberus knows the relationship you tow had and what it would mean for you to have him back."

John ran his fingers through his hair and got silent for a moment. His eyes teared up at the thought that there is a chance that he could recover Kaidan. John knows Cerberus, at least the twisted experiments they did on that base, but if they somehow can rebuild his man's body, he won't refuse their help. "What do I have to do for Cerberus?"

"Nothing more than continuing your fight against the Reapers. Cerberus and Illusive Man believe in findings. We will give you the resources you need to investigate the reapers and stop their arrivals. Cerberus wants to save humanity, and you are the only one who can do it. So, what do you say, Shepard?"

John looked toward the study where his mother walked inside for a few seconds before returning his attention to Miranda. "I would do anything to have Kaidan back," John spoke without hesitation. That woman is a stranger to him, but for some reason, he feels she is trustworthy. He does not trust Cerberus, that will take time, but right now it is not about doing the right thing, it is about his future that is dark without Kaidan. "My answer is yes; I will accept Cerberus's help."

"Alright Shepard, but we have to leave tomorrow-"

"No, we're leaving today. Just give me a few minutes to pack my stuff and talk to my mother."

"Okay, Commander."

"Wait here." John walked to the studio; he knows his mother heard the whole conversation. "Mom, I imagine you heard everything."

"Yes, and please tell me you are not thinking about joining that organization." Hannah saw the answer in her son's gaze. "John, you can't do that to the Alliance."

"I don't owe the Alliance anything; they didn't even try to recover Kaidan's body. If Cerberus can rebuild Kaidan's body and help me investigate the Reapers, I'm going to join them."

"John, for the love of God, the pain has blinded you. I know how much you loved that man, but you can't throw away your life, and your career, for him. Kaidan is dead, move on."

"Mom, I warn you, don't talk like that."

"You are my son, and you are alive. I have to watch over you."

John felt irritated with that comment, but he took a deep breath to calm down and not say something he may regret later. "You don't have an idea of how I feel, do you? We lost dad, and it was hard for both of us, but this pain is different. I get up every day, feeling that my chest is tearing apart by grief. Memories of the moments I lived with Kaidan are beautiful, but they hurt." He paused to breathe. "Why do you think I drink, mom? I do it to forget and not spend all day crying, because only I know how much I miss Kaidan. It hurts like hell not to have him."

Hannah got up and walked to his son. "John, I'm sorry."

"I know you are. You helped me overcome dad's death, but Kaidan was everything to me. I loved him, and I still love him. He was my chance; I will never be with anyone else. Every time I close my eyes, I see Kaidan, so if Cerberus can bring him back to me, I will do everything they ask me to do."

"John, you just met that woman."

"Mom, you know me, you know that I don't trust everyone, but my guts tell me that I can trust her." John sighed. "I have nothing to lose. Please let me go; I'll take care of myself. I'll be fine."

His mother hugged him, and it was the only thing he needed at the time. He left the studio a few minutes later and went to his room to pack his things. John thought of Kaidan's parents, but he will wait to tell them about the possibility of recovering his son. He wants to be sure that Miranda can do what she promised to do."

When he left his house, he did it with full certainty of what he is going to do. "You have a shuttle?"

"Sure, Commander."

"Don't call me, Commander."

"You no longer work for the Alliance, Shepard, but for Cerberus, you are Commander Shepard."

Miranda's shuttle was not parked very far from his mother's house. On the way to Cronos Station, Miranda told him about the Lazarus Project. He still can't believe that there is a possibility that he can be happy again, and that all the pain he is feeling will disappear. When they arrived at the base, John was already eager to meet the Illusive Man, but there was something more important to him.

John put the bag down when they exit the shuttle. He looked around the base "I want to see Kaidan's body," he spoke with determination.

"Shepard, that's not a good idea."

"I have seen a body in a state of decomposition or burned, I can handle it." John knows that it is not the same thing to see the body of a stranger as the body of a loved one, but he needs to do it.

"Okay, Shepard, but give me a few minutes; meanwhile, the Illusive Man wants to see you. If you follow me, I will take you to the place where you are going to get teleported to his office."

John nodded and followed Miranda, a minute later, he was in front of the man hologram. "Illusive man. I thought we were going to meet face to face."

"Shepard, a necessary precaution. It is not unusual for people who know what you and I know."

"Let's get straight to the point. I don't trust you, but Miranda assures me that you have the resources to rebuild Kaidan's body, and that's why I'm here. I had already given up trying to save the galaxy, but if you bring Kaidan back, you'll have my help to save humanity."

"That's why I insist on recovering the Lieutenant's body; I understood how important he was to you. I knew you would do anything to get him back."

John didn't like to hear that, but he is not in the position to be rude to the man. He is going to have to play nice for Kaidan. "So, you used Kaidan's body to get to me?"

"Yes and no. The Lieutenant was an important part of your crew; he can be of great help."

John agreed with that comment. Kaidan was his lover, but he was also an excellent soldier. "What do you want me to do?"

"Just do what you know how to do best; find clues about the Reapers. We need to prepare ourselves, and I'm counting on you to help us do that. There's something you must know. I'm not only going to rebuild Kaidan Alenko's body, but I will also restore the Normandy because you'll need a ship. We'll talk about your crew later, for now, your Miranda and Jacob, whom you'll meet soon, is enough."

John and the Illusive man continued to talk for a while longer; after that, he returned to the room where he had left Miranda, but it was another person who was waiting for him. John talked with Jacob for a moment before he took him to Miranda. John had only walked a few steps into the room when he saw the pod and froze.

Nothing would have prepared John Shepard for what he saw in that pod. He didn't see his beautiful Kaidan, if not a burned corpse, it was horrible. John covered his mouth with his right hand, his vision clouded, and he felt nauseous. He is strong and has seen awful things, but that burned body belongs to the man who made him live the best moments of his life.

Miranda saw the panic on Shepard's face. "Commander, I told you it was not a good idea for you to see Kaidan that way. You should wait for me to start working on Kaidan's body."

"I ..." John took a deep breath. "I can handle it. How do you know it is Kaidan? The body is unrecognizable."

"I already ran a DNA test in the Alliance military database, and it tested positive, plus there were also pieces of the Alliance uniform embedded in his flesh. I assure you, Shepard, this is Kaidan."

"I believe you," John shakily speak then he walked past Miranda and stood in front of the pod. "Leave me alone with him."

"Shepard ..."

"Please, Miranda, I need some time alone with him." The woman nodded, but before she left, he stopped her. "Miranda, wait."

"Yes, Shepard."

"As a favor to me, can you start today?" John doesn't want to waste any more time. He wants Miranda to start rebuilding his lover's body now. He is sure that the process will take a long time, and it will be hell to be waiting, but it will be less painful than the last two months.

"Yes, I can."

"Thank you." The woman just smiled. John then stood in front of the pod and put his hand on it. His lips were shaking so bad he couldn't speak. John wanted to say so many things, but all he could do was cry until he had no more tears left.

"It should have been me, babe," John said after a few minutes. "but as you always did, you thought about my safety before yours. I should have died that day, but you saved me, and now I don't care to join the enemy to have a chance with you again. I just hope that when you wake up, you understand the reason why I did it."

"You give sense to my life. You showed me to see people with different eyes or to see the right side of everything, but when I lost you, everything good that you created in me died with you. Without you, my life doesn't make any sense; that's why I'm taking this chance to be able to live in peace. I would give my life for yours, or to see you smile again. Forgive me for not forcing you to evacuate with the rest of my crew, forgive me for letting you die alone, but Cerberus is giving us a chance, and I'm going to take it. I love you, babe. We will see each other soon."

,,,

_John waked up alone in bed and feeling cold. "Kaidan love, where are you?" John asked and didn't get an answer, but then he saw the balcony curtain move with the air that is coming from outside. He got up, then put on his sandal, and walked towards the balcony. John found his man standing in front of the railings, looking up at the sky. He walked towards his lover and put his arms around his waist. "What are you doing here, honey?"_

_"I am sorry if I woke you up?"_

_"Your absence was what woke me up. I felt cold without you in bed. You couldn't sleep?" John rubbed his cheek against Kaidan's and pressed their bodies together._

_"No." John sighed. In a couple of days, our short leave will end, and I don't want it to end." Kaidan turned around and ran his hands around John's body and laid his head on his chest. "I feel happy with you here and not on a battlefield. I always worried that something would happen to you, and I don't miss that stress."_

_"Kaidan-"_

_"I loved my job until I met you, and now I love nothing more than being alone with you." Kaidan can't shake the feeling that something is going to happen that will separate them._

_John twisted his lips as he thought he felt the same way. "You won't believe what I about to say, but I feel the same way. I don't want these wonderful days to end too, but we need to go back. The thing is that this time, we will be together from the beginning, and you will stay in my cabin every night." John stroked his man's back and felt Kaidan's body shiver. "Are you cold?"_

_"A bit."_

_"Let's go inside to warm you up."_

_"Wait," Kaidan hugged his man tightly. "John ..."_

_"What? babe."_

_"You love Me?"_

_John frowned and grabbed Kaidan by his chin to lift his head. "Of course, I love you; I tell you all the time. Do you doubt me?"_

_"Of course, no, I just wanted to hear you say it. I'm afraid that when we return, everything will change, you know, because of the pressure of work or other reasons."_

_John could understand that since their work is very stressful. He is also afraid that his Lieutenant could injure himself in the line of fire. John knows there is always a risk, and if something happened to his boyfriend, he doesn't know if he could overcome it._

_Kaidan has become the second most important person in his life since the first person is his mother, whom he madly loves. The thing is that John is not going to let the work affect his relationship with Kaidan. "That is not going to happen, I promise you. If we are in a situation in which we have a different opinion, we will talk about it. You know that I always take your side or listen to your advice, and that is never going to change. I promise to take care of myself more and not throwing myself against something or someone without thinking first. Does that make you feel calmer, love?"_

_"Yes, it does, John. Let's go inside."_

_John felt worried; he could see the pain reflected in Kaidan's face. "Do you want me to make you a hot chocolate?" John asked when they were in the bedroom._

_"You know what, yes and bring me my pain pills, please."_

_Kaidan's voice was weak. "Love, tell me the truth, you're not feeling well," John asked with concern. "I was very rough with you last night?"_

_"No, love, I only have a slight headache, but you are never abrupt with me."_

_"Okay, I'll go to the kitchen. I'll be back soon, in the meantime, turn on the TV and lie down." John left the bedroom and headed to the kitchen. He prepared two cups of chocolate and grabbed Kaidan pills, then returned to the bedroom. His lover was rubbing his forehead when he entered the room. "Kay, tell me the truth about how you are feeling."_

_Kaidan sighed; the pain in his head was getting worse. "Yes, I think I am going to have a migraine. I'm sorry, John."_

_"Don't apologize. Sit on the bed so you can drink your chocolate and take your pills." Kaidan did it, and John handed him the cup. He sat next to his lover and looked at him with concern. "Have you thought about replacing your implants?"_

_"Not."_

_"But you should think about it."_

_"I don't want to do it, John, and please don't insist on the subject."_

_John sighed. "Okay, I'm going to drop the subject, but I just want you to know that I hate seeing you like this. Finish your chocolate; I'll take care of you, babe."_

_A while later, Kaidan's head was lying on John's chest as he gently stroked his head. "You are wonderful, Commander Shepard."_

_"I'm surprised you say that because everyone says I'm an asshole."_

_"Well, that is true."_

_"I'm hurt. I didn't know that you also thought I'm an asshole."_

_"Well, you are not an asshole with me, but remember when you knocked out that poor sick man in Eden prime, or that reporter."_

_"Wait a moment I didn't hit her."_

_"Because I grabbed your hand to keep you from doing it!"_

_John smiled. "Yes, you did, and in there, I realized that you were going to change my life."_

_Kaidan smiled proudly. "I'm glad to hear that, but seriously John, you care a lot about me; it's amazing."_

_John sought Kaidan's lips and gave him a loving kiss. "When you find something good, you have to take care of it. I never want to lose you, Kaidan, because I don't know what my life would be like without you."_

_"John ..."_

_"No, listen to me. I never thought I could love someone other than my mother, but I met you, and you turned my world upside down. If I lost you, it would be my end, love." John kisses his boyfriend now profoundly. "I love you, and I want you to meet my mother when she returns from her mission."_

_Kaidan sighed. "It would be an honor to meet Hannah Shepard."_

_"Sleep love."_

_"I love you, John..."_

A while later, John entered the laboratory where Miranda has already started working with Kaidan's body. "Miranda, I want to ask you one last favor."

"Yes, Commander."

"I want Kaidan to get the newest implants; I want the headaches gone."

"You can count on that Shepard. I assure you that over time Kaidan will be the same man you knew."

John looked at the pod for a bit. "I barely know you, but something tells me that you are trustworthy, and you have a lot of talent, and the Illusive man told me that you are good at what you do."

"Thank you for your confidence in me." Miranda saw the Commander look at the pod with tears in his eyes. I can see you love him."

John looked at the woman, and though that he is not used to about his feeling with strangers, but if that woman is going to give him back his peace, she deserved his trust and respect. "More than my own life."

John returned to his quarters. He is tired because of the trip, and he also feels mentally exhausted. He unpacked his things and took out Kaidan's portrait and put it on his nightstand. John noticed the bottle of whiskey that was on the table, next to a note. "Courtesy of the Illusive Man." John didn't hesitate to prepare himself a drink and sat on the bed to drink it while looking at Kaidan's photo. For the first time in a long time, a smile appeared on his face at the thought that he would soon see him again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please take care, I live in Florida and this virus is spreading like crazy. Keep your distance from each other and stay safe.

_John took a deep breath and looked at his boyfriend, who was putting on his uniform. John doesn't like to see Kaidan angry, although he must admit that he looked cute when he was mad. "Kay, I understand your frustration, but what do you want me to do? I have my hands tied right now."_

_There have been reports of vessels that have disappeared without a trace. The Alliance has sent him to fight Geth because they think that they are responsible for the disappearances of the ships, but John is sure that they are not accountable for those disappearances. Kaidan is angry, so is him, but there is nothing he can do since he is only obeying orders._

_Kaidan sighed and realized that he is paying his anger with John. He approached his man and grabbed his hands. "I'm sorry, John, I know you did what you could to convince the Council. I'm just worried. You and I know that the Reapers are not a fantasy that we create; they are real and can return to destroy everything. If we don't prepare, we are screwed."_

_John twisted his lips and gave him a smile of encouragement. "I know, and I share your frustration if you had let me let the Council die, maybe the new council would have made a difference." John sighed. "You influence my decisions a lot. I saved the Council because you asked me to, but if it had been for me .... well, you know what I would have done."_

_Kaidan smiled and moved his hand to John's cheek then slowly ran his thumb over it. "You don't have to be cruel to do the right thing and I've already told you a million times."_

_"Yes, you've taught me that, but sometimes doing the right thing doesn't take us anywhere."_

_Kaidan got that, but he also thinks the old John was too extreme in his decisions. "But it's good to sleep with a clear conscience."_

_John didn't speak; he just stood still looking at his boyfriend, who is always right. He has made decisions based on what he has learned by talking with his man, and every night he goes to bed feeling at peace with himself. John has to admit that doing the right thing makes him feel good about himself._

_Kaidan is one of the few peoples who still think about others before themself, and John is proud to be part of his life. "I already told you how much I love you today?_

_Kaidan chuckled and moved John's arms around his waist. "It was the first thing you said this morning when I opened my eyes."_

_John started to walk and caught his lieutenant against the wall. "Sometimes, I think I don't tell you enough." John didn't wait for an answer, he tilted his head down and kissed his man with love, but a sudden movement of the ship forced them to break apart. John looked up. "Joker, what the hell was that?" He asked over the comm._

_"We are being attacked."_

_"By whom?"_

_"An identified ship ..."_

_John looked at Kaidan and grabbed his helmet. "Come on ..." The two of them ran out of the dressing room, but Kaidan got separated to help Joker. John activated the distress beacon and grabbed a fire extinguisher to put out the fire that was around him._

_"John, will the Alliance arrive here on time?" Kaidan asked when he returned with his commander._

_"The Alliance would not abandon us."_

_The ship made an abrupt movement, and they staggered with each other, John grabbed Kaidan before he fell to the floor. He grabbed his lover's cheeks over the helmet and looked at him. Things were not looking good, and he wants Kaidan to be safe. "I want you to help the crew get to the emergency pods and leave the ship."_

_Kaidan walked away from John. He is not about to leave him alone, that will not happen. "I wouldn't do that."_

_John could understand Kaidan because he wouldn't leave him alone either, but he needs to know that he is safe. "I am giving you an order."_

_"I don't care, Joker still in the cabin, he refuses to leave the ship, and I'm not leaving either."_

_John approached his lover. "I'll go get Joker, but I want you to leave the ship now, please, go to safety."_

_"I will not leave you alone, John, so don't insist!" Kaidan spoke with determination. John is not only his Commander, but he is also everything to him, and he will not leave him alone._

_John saw the determination in his man's eyes. "God damn, babe! Let's go." John grabbed Kaidan's hand, and the two began to walk toward the cabin. Their steps were slow, but a few minutes later, they entered the cabin, Joker was still trying to save the ship. "Joker, we have to go."_

_"No, I can save her."_

_Kaidan looked outside and saw that the ship was coming around to attack them again. "Look, they are coming back for another attack."_

_John grabbed Joker's arm. "Joker, the ship is dead, and if we don't leave, now_ _we will be too_ _."_

_"Okay, help me up."_

_With Kaidan's help, John was able to take Joker to one of the emergency pods left on the ship. John and Joker got in first, but when he was helping him take a seat, they got attacked again. He looked back and saw how Kaidan got thrown back away from the pod but managed to hold on. "Kaidan!" John yelled and touched his transmitter. "Kay, wait, I'll go get you."_

_"No, Commander, it's too late for me; if you go out, you won't be able to come back. Just go leave me."_

_"What the hell are you saying?" John's heart was beating hard; he is sensing what is about to happen is going to be his end._

_Kaidan's eyes clouded with tears, and he took one last look at his Commander. "I love you always."_

_"No, Kaidan, no, babe, I can't lose you!" John shouted over the top of his lungs. He walked towards the hatch, but Kaidan closed it, so he began to hit it with his fists. "Kaidan God Damnit open the fucking door, I can get you. Kaidan!"_

_"Commander, you need to take a seat."_

_John stopped hitting the gate and for a moment, just stood still, but then took a seat. He didn't look at Joker; he couldn't do it; his vision got clouded with tears. John closed his eyes. The image of Kaidan floating in space caused him to sob. His hands were shaking badly, his lips too, but when Joker muttered something, he glared at him and managed to calm down to be able to speak. "Your damn love for that ship killed mine, so never speak to me again!"_

_"I'm sorry, Commander."_

_"Sorry won't bring Kaidan back, so your apologies won't help me at all!" That was the last thing he said to Joker._

_John didn't know when his pod got rescued as time stood still for him. He was still sitting, looking at nothing when someone opened the door. John heard his name called repeatedly, but he does not want to move, talk, or think because if he does, the reality of what just happened will hit him._

_Someone touched John's shoulder, pulling him out of his trance, then he looked up and saw Anderson standing in front of him but didn't speak. The only thing going through his mind is Kaidan's body lost in space. Anderson kept repeating his name, and his eyes again clouded with tears. After his father's death, he shields his heart but opens it to Kaidan, so he never thought that he would go through the pain of losing someone again._

_"Shepard, are you alright, where is Kaidan?"_

_Hearing his lover's name caught her attention. "Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko didn't make it," was the only thing John said before getting up._

_When John got outside, he felt dizzy, so he put his hand on the pod to support himself. John has been through a lot of tough situations, he lost his entire squad a while back, and his father a few years ago, but now he has lost the only person he let into his heart. A few minutes ago, John shared a kiss with Kaidan; if he had known it was going to be the last, he would have kissed him forever._

_"Shepard, are you alright?" Liara asked._

_John looked at Liara. "Kaidan ..." He could say but couldn't continue._

_"Oh, Shepard, I am sorry." Liara saw Shepard's face turn pale. "Shepard, are you okay?"_

_John began to feel dizzier and shorter of breath. "I need to be alone."_

_Anderson approached Shepard, the man knows about the relationship that he and Lieutenant Alenko had. "Shepard, you can use my office if you need it," he said, then looked at Liara. "Liara takes him to my office, and I'll handle everything here."_

_John followed Liara to Anderson's office, and when they were alone, he can no longer hold back the tears. John let out a sob, and he didn't care when Liara put her arms around his body. The last time he cried like that was in his mother's arms when they received the news that his father had died, and he does not remember feeling as much pain as he is feeling now._

_Liara waited for the Commander to calm down to address him. She walked away so that she could look at him. "I know what Kaidan meant to you, Shepard, and I'm here if you need me."_

_John took a deep breath. "Thank you, Liara, but what I need right now, is gone forever." John looked towards the door; he knows that his crew needs him; therefore, the right to do is to be tough, hide his anguish as he had done so many times, and face the situation, but this is different._

_After Liara left John alone, he waited for Anderson, and when the man entered the office, he raised his head to look at him. The man looked worried. "Where is everybody?"_

_"Those who need medical attention are already being taken care of. Shepard, who attacked you?"_

_"I don't know, all I know is that Kaidan and the rest of the staff who didn't make it died fighting for the wrong cause. My crew and I have been scanning systems without finding any sign of the Geths._

_"Shepard-"_

_"I don't want to hear it, Anderson!" John yelled as he pointed at the man. "In my last conversation with Kaidan, he was feeling angry and frustrated, and the Lieutenant was right. The Alliance sent us out to hunt ghosts, and the man I adore died in vain."_

_"Shepard, I believe in you."_

_"It's not enough. I'm tired of serving a bunch of bureaucrats who only care about their races and give a damn about humans." Yes, John was hurt and angry, and maybe the pain is making him say things, but he knows he is right._

_"What are you saying."_

_John looked up and took a deep breath. "I mean, I quit. I won't keep fighting for the wrong cause; besides, without Kaidan, nothing makes sense to me."_

_Anderson approached Shepard and touched his shoulder. "Son, this is your pain talking. I already called Hannah, go home with her, and take a few days off. I am sure that when you return, you will see things differently."_

_John walked away from Anderson and, for the first time, glared at the man. "Do you really think a few days will be enough for me? Kaidan meant too much to me; the pain and anger I am feeling now are not going to go away in a few days. I am sorry, Anderson, but I am done." John sighed and walked over to the man. "My decision is made. I quit!" John spoke and then turned around. He left Anderson's office and met Garrus outside._

_Garrus approached Shepard. "Shepard, I don't understand what happened. You have always watched over Kaidan, so why didn't you send him to safety with the rest of us?" Garrus asked him._

_"I fucking did, but he didn't obey me! He didn't want to leave me alone. I should have been harder on him, but I couldn't do it and now ..." John shook his head, and then he saw his mother walking towards them. "Garrus, thanks for your sympathy."_

_"Hey, be strong, and don't forget that I'm here for you."_

_"Thanks," John said and watched him walk away._

_Hannah rushed to her son and immediately gave him a big hug. "I came as soon as I could, luckily I was already at the Citadel for another matter. How are you? How's your crew?" Her son didn't answer, and she saw something in his eyes that he had only seen once when his father died, hurt._

_"Not all of my crew made it, mom," John was able to say after a few seconds. "Do you remember the person I told you about the man I wanted you to meet?" Last week John had called his mother to tell her that he wants to introduce her to a man who is essential to him._

_"Yes, I remember." Hannah had an emphasis. "John, that man is a member of your crew?"_

_"Yes, mom, and he didn't make it Kaidan died saving me." John saw his mother make a move to embrace him again, but he took a step back. "I can't do this right now." John then looked at Anderson's door for a few seconds before addressing his mother again. "You need to know that I just quit."_

_"Why did you do that?"_

_John knows that his mother is not going to support him in that decision, but his mind is made up, and all he wants now is to be alone so that he can adequately mourn his man. "Because Commander Shepard went down with the Normandy. That ship took a part of me, the best part." John got silent and started walking towards the elevator. From now on, his life has no meaning, because the only person who knew how to understand him and who accepted him the way he is, died saving him._

_,,,_

John slowly opened his eyes and saw Miranda standing in front of him, shaking his shoulder to wake him up. The first thing he did was check on his lover, who was still asleep. John then paid attention to Miranda, who was smiling at him. "I fell asleep," he said and ran his hand over his face, then got up and stretched his body. Miranda was still looking at him in a way that made him feel a little awkward. He ran his hand through his beard and got thoughtful for a moment.

It has been a year and a half since Miranda began to rebuild his lover's body, and the progress is sustainable. John turned around and touched Kaidan's right cheek then he ran his thumb over his scars. Kaidan's beautiful eyes were closed, his face looks better over time. It was not easy for him to see Miranda working on Kaidan's body, but he did not settle for just looking, he has stepped in to help. Kaidan grew stronger every day, his heartbeat was more stable, but what worries John is his boyfriend's memory when he wakes up.

"I don't like Kaidan's scars." John loves his boyfriend no matter what, and it wasn't his body that he fell in love with but his soul, but he doesn't want Kaidan to be self-conscious about his scars when he wakes up.

"In time, they will disappear, but Kaidan will need to be calm, stress can delay his recovery."

John opened his mouth to speak, but he saw Kaidan start to wake up and noticed that something was not right. His lover began to breathe hard, and he was waving his hands in the air, so John grabbed them to try and calm him down. "Sweetheart, calm down." Kaidan then began to complain of pain, and that made him feel desperate. "Miranda, please do something."

Miranda looked at his assistant Wilson. "Wilson, apply a sedative to him."

"Why would you do that?" John asked.

"Kaidan is not ready; his body needs more time to properly heal, therefore step aside so Wilson can apply the sedative." She saw the man hesitate. "You need to trust me."

John nodded and stepped aside, but Kaidan kept complaining about pain, and he couldn't stay still, so he came back to the bed and grabbed his man by his cheeks. His lover's beautiful eyes were finally open, but they have a reddish color. "Kay love calms down, please calm down," John repeated.

Miranda was surprised at how quickly the Lieutenant began to relax after hearing Shepard's voice. She saw the Commander slowly stroking Kaidan's cheek with his thumb, as she also saw the tears in his eyes. What struck Miranda the most, was the love she saw in Shepard's eyes. All this time, working alongside the Commander has touched her, so she has begun to feel things for the man that she shouldn't feel because his heart belongs to Kaidan.

"Just like that, Kay, calm down, I'm here for you." Slowly Kaidan started calming down, then the sedative took effect, and he fell asleep. John held Kaidan's face for a few more seconds, and when he released it, he quickly wiped away his tears. It was too hard for him to see Kaidan like that. "I need some air," he said and left the room.

Miranda followed Shepard out of the base, then approached him and touched his shoulder to get his attention. "Are you alright, Shepard?"

John shook his head. "Kaidan looked at me, but that warm look he always gave me wasn't there. The color of his eyes was red; why is that? Why does my boyfriend look so different?"

"Kaidan was in pain Shepard; besides, your voice calmed him down, and that's a good sign. About Kaidan's eyes, their color will return to normal on time."

John looked at her. "Do you think so?"

"I do," Miranda said and then stood next to him. "I have to say, Shepard, I admire the kind of affection you have for Kaidan. I didn't know you have such a big heart." She tried to touch the Commander's face, but he stepped back. "I'm sorry it was not my intention to make you feel uncomfortable."

For a moment, John got silent, looking for the right words to address Miranda without making her feel bad because that woman deserves his respect. "I like you, Miranda, but not in the way you want me to, and don't deny it because I have seen how you look at me. In the time we have worked together, I have realized that you are an incredible woman, but I belong to one man." John wasn't trying to be rude to her. Time has changed him; the pain has made him a more sensitive man, but his heart remains the same, and it belongs to Kaidan forever.

Miranda walked away from the Commander and looked up at the sky; it was already night; therefore, the light of the star and the moon illuminated it. "Before I met you, I had another opinion about you. Your story said that you were a ruthless man, that when your entire crew got butchered, and you got captured, you didn't break under pressure, you stayed strong through it all."

"Miranda ..." John started to speak, but she cut him off.

"That ruthless man has not been the one who has lived with me for almost two years. I've seen you cry for Kaidan; I've seen you break for that man, and I've also seen you being tough on the battlefield when we're on a mission. It's hard not to fall for you, and now I understand what the Lieutenant, who is so different from you, saw in you." It was the first time that Miranda had expressed her feelings so openly, but she had fallen in love with Shepard, knowing that he would never be hers.

John didn't know what to say; he looked up at the sky and remembered what his Lieutenant once said to him. "We don't choose who we love John; it just happens."

John grabbed Miranda's right hand. "I don't judge you for falling in love with me; after all, I am a super-cute man," John joked with her to ease the mood.

Miranda laughed. "I thought I was the smug one."

"Well, you are conceited." John sighed and moved in front of Miranda, then grabbed his other hand. "You are a talented and beautiful woman, and I am flattered that you have noticed me, but you deserve a person who can love you."

"I can see you are a man faithful to your feelings."

"Not, I am faithful to the man I love, and your beautiful woman will one day find another Shepard who can love you the way you deserve it, but that person will never be as handsome as I am." The two laughed out loud, then stared up at the sky in silence for a bit. "Miranda, I need to see Illusive Man. I want to go talk to Kaidan's parents; they have a right to know that their son is alive."

John had been thinking about going to talk to Kaidan's parents for months now but had postponed it because, in the last few weeks, they have been busy investigating the disappearances of the colonies. John suggested that the Illusive Man seek help from the Alliance, but since all the abductions have occurred in the Terminus System, they are not taking the situation seriously, and that doesn't surprise him.

"Shepard, if you allow me to give you a piece of advice, you should wait for Kaidan to wake up."

John released her hand then turned around a bit so he could look at her. "Why I have to way?"

"I think if you go and talk to them right now, as parents, they will want to be with their son, and you know that is not possible yet."

John had also thought about that possibility; therefore, he knows that she is right. "I'll be back with Kaidan."

"Commander, you look tired, why don't you go and lie down. I can watch over Kaidan tonight."

Being tired had become an everyday thing in John's life. When he's not out searching for clues or helping Cerberus with something, he's in the lab watching over Kaidan. "No, I want to sleep next to Kay tonight," John spoke with determination and went inside.

John appreciates Miranda's attention a lot, and although he likes to talk to her, he prefers to be next to Kaidan. When he entered the room, Wilson was sitting on a chair next to Kaidan's bed, reading a book. "You can retire to your quarters, and I'll stay with Kaidan."

"You are sure, Commander? I don't mind staying."

Wilson tries to be helpful, but for some reason, John doesn't trust him. "Thanks, but I prefer to stay to take care of him tonight." The man nodded, and a few minutes later, he left.

John took off his shoes and settled next to Kaidan, luckily his man's body no longer had cables connected to it so he can now lie down next to him. He wrapped his right arm around Kaidan's waist and put his right leg on top of his lover's. John kissed every scar his Lieutenant has on his face and then his lips. "I miss you so much. The other night I remembered the first time we kissed, I had to shut you up like that because you kept scolding me." John squeezed his body closer to Kaidan's. "I never thought I was going to say this, but I miss seeing you mad at me. I can't wait for you to wake up, and see you smile again, because your smile gives me strength." 

John remained silent, hugging his man; the heat of his body made him feel good. He is tired, but he still has enough strength to take care of his man. He never thought he was going to put his life on hold to care for another human being, but Kaidan's death made him understand the kind of love he holds for that man. John was so tired that it didn't take him long to fall asleep.

**Six months later.**

John had fallen asleep in the chair when a noise woke him up. He opened his eyes and saw Kaidan reaching for his oxygen mask, but he moved fast and stopped him. "Kaidan, wait." John removed the mask. "Can you breathe?"

Kaidan nodded and stared at the man who was looking at him with concern. "Who are you?" Kaidan asked, unable to remember anything. His mind is blank; his memories erased from his mind. His throat hurt a little; his head hurt too.

John's eyes teared up as he realized that Miranda's fear had come true. "You do not remember anything?" Kaidan shook his head, and at that moment, he saw Miranda enter the room. "Miranda, his memories are gone."

Miranda took a step toward the man, and seeing the hurt in his eyes broke her heart. "Shepard, we already knew this could happen, but I'm sure it won't be permanent." She approached the bed. "Kaidan, you have been in a coma for over a year, you suffered brain damage that has affected your ability to remember, but this may be temporary. I am sure that in time you will remember. Your capacities to remember basic things still there."

Kaidan was now more confused. "My name is Kaidan?"

John smiled and grabbed Kaidan's right hand, and he was relieved when his man allowed it and did not reject him. "Yes, you are Lt. Kaidan Alenko, and I am your Commander, John Shepard."

"What happened to me? Why was I in a coma?"

"It's a long story, Kaidan, for now, let's focus on your recovery. How do you feel?" Miranda asked him.

"Weak, I also have a slight sore throat and headache."

John frowned and released Kaidan's hand then looked at the woman. "What the hell Miranda, I thought he wasn't going to suffer from a headache anymore."

"Calm down, Shepard; it is natural for him to feel that way. Kaidan has been intubated and lying in that bed for a long time; his body will need time to recover fully. I had guaranteed you that with his new implants he would no longer have a migraine, you need to believe me."

Kaidan listened to them talking to each other, but he could notice that this John was anxious about him. He rubbed his forehead and cleared his throat. "Can I have some water?"

"Sure, love, I mean, Kaidan." John cursed himself for his mistake; the last thing he wants is to confuse Kaidan more than he already is.

Kaidan stared at the man as he walked away from him; he felt something that he couldn't explain. When John touched him, his heart skipped a beat, and he immediately felt calm. "Are you my doctor?" Kaidan asked the woman.

"Something like that, Kaidan."

"Thank you..." Kaidan stopped since he didn't remember her name despite that John mentioning it a few minutes ago, but the Commander's name had remained engraved in his memory.

"My name is Miranda."

"Thanks, Miranda."

"You're welcome, Kaidan, but I didn't do it alone." She looked at Shepard. "Your Commander helped me. He put his life on hold to be with you through your recovery and has been a great help to me."

Kaidan looked at the Commander. "Thanks, Shepard."

John approached his beloved bed and passed him a glass of water. "Here's your water, and it's John for you." John thought it was the second time in his life that he made that request to Kaidan; he then looked at Miranda. "Miranda, do any necessary test, but from today on, I would like Kaidan to stay with me. I don't want him to be in this lab room anymore." John knows that Kaidan doesn't remember him right now, but he's waited so long for this moment, and he's not going to keep his man away.

"Okay, Commander."

John turned his attention to Kaidan and smiled at him. "I'll leave you alone with Miranda for a bit; I'll fix some things in my quarters. Are you hungry? Please don't hesitate to tell me if you need anything?" It hurt John that Kaidan is not looking at him like he uses to do before, but he understands the situation. "You like Steak; I can make you one." John rubbed the back of his neck nervously because Kaidan didn't answer.

"I am a little hungry."

John breathed with relief. "Perfect, I'm hungry too, I haven't been eating well for days." John turned around and left the room when the door closed behind him; he had to hold onto the wall because his knees went slack.

John had waited two years for that moment, and now that he finally arrived, he was going to have to keep his distance from his beloved since he does not remember him. Life continues to play tricks on him, but as he took a deep breath, John vowed that he would regain Kaidan's love at any cost. When John felt strong enough, he started walking to his bedroom to fix the stuff that he had bought for Kaidan, and that are still packed.

John was finishing fixing his quarters when he saw Miranda walk through the door. "How did you find Kaidan?"

"The Lieutenant is better than I anticipated, his body is weak, but that is normal, after all the time he has been in a coma. Kaidan is going to need a little help to move around until his body regains its strength. A little therapy on his legs will be necessary. Soon I want to see Kaidan using his powers, to test his new implants."

"I will help Kaidan with his therapy." John took a step toward the door, but Miranda stopped him. "What is going on?"

"Shepard, are you okay?"

John sighed before replying to her. "I'm happy that Kaidan has woken up, but it's killing me that he can't remember me." John noticed that after listening to him, Miranda has a strange smile on her face. "Why are you smiling?"

"Kaidan asked me if you're doing okay since you look exhausted, and he remembers that it was your voice that calmed him down months ago when he woke up." Miranda saw a light of hope in Shepard's eyes. "I have to admit something, Commander; there is a powerful bond between the two of you."

"Kaidan is my half, he is my good side, I was lost without him, and you gave him back to me." John hugged Miranda. "Thank you."

Miranda pulled away from the Commander and thought that there was something she wanted Shepard to know. "I have to admit that at first, I was simply obeying orders, but over time Kaidan's recovery has become personal. You have behaved like a gentleman to me; our conversations have changed my way of seeing a lot of things."

"I'm glad to hear that."

"Don't despair, despite Kaidan's lack of memory, I'm sure that man still loves you, just give him time."

"I will, Miranda, and thanks again, if you ever need a favor from me, don't hesitate to ask me. Now I will go see Kaidan."

* * *

Kaidan shifted his feet off the bed but didn't try to get up because he felt weak. He looked towards the door; he was waiting for it to open to see his Commander walk through it. John has the answers to all the questions that are going through his mind. He is baffled about his situation. John called him Lieutenant, and he is Commander; therefore, he assumes that they worked together and that John is or was his chief. What happened two years ago is the question that is tormenting him. He also wants to know why the man put his life on hold to take care of him if they are not family.

Not remembering is frustrating; he just woke up, and he feels very overwhelmed, and his body feels strange. Kaidan moved his hand to his face and didn't like what he felt; he wants a mirror to see his face. The door finally opened, and he saw John he was alone. Their gazes met, and all his anguish disappeared. Those blue eyes looked tired, and he got worried about him, then his stomach growled, and John heard him because he laughed.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize, Kay. I already made you something to eat; it's in our quarters."

"What do you mean by our quarters?" Kaidan asked, confused, but the possibility of sharing the space with the man didn't make him feel uncomfortable, on the contrary, that idea made him feel much calmer.

John twisted his lips and got thoughtful for a few seconds to think about how he was going to answer him. "Well, there are a lot of things I have to explain to you." John took a deep breath and stepped closer to Kaidan, who was staring at him. "You and I were more than comrades; we were lovers."

Kaidan was not surprised by that answer as he has seen the way John's beautiful blue eyes look at him. No one is going to put their life on hold to care for someone if they don't have a kind of affection for that person. "I remember waking up and feeling desperate, but when I heard your voice, it made me feel calm, and now, I understand why. What do you expect from me?" Kaidan quickly realized that his words sounded cold. "I am sorry I didn't mean to sound so cold. What I mean was, it's obvious that I have feelings for you, but right now all I feel is confusion."

John couldn't get mad at Kaidan, that's impossible, so he kept his smile. "The only thing I want is for you to recover fully. I need you, Kay. There are too many things at risk, things that I will explain later, and I need us to fight together. Also, your death broke me, and the only thing I want is to see you well and make sure nothing happens to you again."

Kaidan's eyes widened after hearing the word death. Miranda had told him that he was in some sort of coma, but now John said that he was dead. "I don't understand. I have no memories, but I know that no one comes back from death. Besides, Miranda said that I was in a coma." Kaidan saw John's expression change, and the pain that he saw reflected in his face shocked him.

"You died, saving me, Kay." John doesn't want to have that conversation now, but he understands that Kaidan has too many questions, and he is the only one who can answer them. "We were on duty when an unknown ship attacked ours, and I ordered you to safety, but you didn't obey me." John paused to grab Kaidan's hands. "Losing you was terrible."

"And how am I alive?"

"Cerberus contacted me to tell me that they had your body, and they had the resources to rebuild it. The only thing they asked me was to work for them, and despite our history with that organization, I didn't hesitate to join them." John blinked back the tears that welled up in his eyes. "I've waited two years for this moment, and I don't care that you don't remember me, I have you again, and if I have to make you fall in love with me again, I will."

"John ... I-"

"Do not say anything." John moved away from Kaidan and turned around. He wiped his eyes with the back of his right hand, then turned back around but with a fake smile on his face. "I am going to take you to our chamber."

Kaidan wanted to reciprocate John the way the man deserves, but it will take time. "I need to use the bathroom. I feel uncomfortable, a shower might make me feel better, but I don't know if I have the strength to do it alone."

"Kay, I am here for you. I will help you with everything you need; I am yours unconditionally." John knows he sounded desperate, but he can't hide how he feels.

Kaidan felt moved upon hearing the despair in John's tone of voice. "Come close to me." John did, so he touched his cheek. "I trust you, and I feel close to you, but I need time."

"You have it, love, just don't keep me away from you because I couldn't bear it. I used to be tough, but as I told you, your death broke me, and I can't function well without you."

Kaidan smiled. "Why would I do that? I don't remember anything, but I feel good when you're around. Take me to our quarters."

John can finally breathe a sigh of relief. "Sure, just hold on to me, love."

Getting out of bed made him feel a little queasy, but Kaidan held on tight to John, and the two of them walked out of the room. John's quarterage was not far away, so it didn't take long to get there; his Commander helped him sit on the bed. "Thanks, John."

"Luckily, I have a private shower. Do you want to shower now or after you eat?"

Kaidan looked at the small table and saw only one plate served. "John ..."

"Yes."

"Why there is only one dish on the table. I have no memories of you to compare, but you look very skinny and exhausted. I won't eat it unless you do it with me." Kaidan saw the man smile. "Did I say something funny?"

"I see your anesthesia has not changed your old habit of worry about my well-being. It is funny, but before the attack, you thought I was fat, and you wanted me to go on a diet." John heard Kaidan laugh. "It's so good to hear you laugh again, so damn good."

Kaidan noticed when the man's voice broke, and that broke his heart. "Hey John, how about that shower, I'm sure the view is going to be delightful," he said to make the man smile again, and that worked.

"Oh, you have no idea how delightful it's going to be."

A few minutes later, Kaidan was in front of a mirror. His legs are fragile, so he could barely move, but when he saw his face, a gasp came out of his mouth. "Oh God, have I always looked so ugly?"

John quickly grabbed Kaidan's jaw and forced his gaze toward him. "Don't talk about yourself like that, you are a beautiful man, those scars will heal soon, and the color of your eyes will return to normal. Miranda told me that you need to be calm, and I will make sure that happens."

Kaidan touched John's cheek. "I can feel the affection you have for me. I can see how much you love me in the way you are taking care of me."

"You have no idea how much I love you, Kaidan Alenko. You are the second most important person in my life after my mother."

"Thanks for everything, John."

"Let me help you undress, and the tub is ready, I want you to go inside, and I will go out to prepare something to eat for me while you finish bathing. Are you going to be fine for a few minutes?"

"Yes, I will." As John undressed him, Kaidan could see that the man was struggling to stay calm. When he was completely naked, John helped him into the bathtub then stood still looking intently at him. "John, are you okay?"

"I am sorry Kaidan, I haven't seen you naked in over two years, and it's hard for my body not to react." John turned around and quickly left the bathroom. He leaned against the wall and squeezed his cock to kill his erection. He wanted to return to the bathroom and enter the bathtub with Kaidan, but he knows that right now, that is not possible. The thing is Kaidan is alive, and that's what's important to him.

After Kaidan finished bathing, he laid his head back and lay his arms on the sides of the tub, then closed his eyes for a moment. Suddenly, Kaidan felt like he was suffocating, so he brought his hand to his throat, and he was beginning to despair when John grabbed him by the arms and shook his body. "What happened?"

"You fell asleep, and you were having a nightmare. I shouldn't have left you alone."

"I started to feel suffocated," Kaidan said then saw John's eyes teared up. "Hey, I'm fine."

"I know, but maybe what you had was a memory. You died in space, and maybe you suffocated when your oxygen ran out. Let me get you out of here."

Kaidan didn't speak; he was afraid to say something that could make John feel much worse. If it was a memory that he had, he doesn't want to remember it again, because it felt so real. Finally, his Commander helped him get out then get dressed. Back in the room, they sat down at the table, and Kaidan started to eat but stopped when he saw that John was not eating.

"Why aren't you eating?"

"I'm worried about what happened in the bath."

"I already told you that I'm fine, please eat, you worry me. I am sure you have to work tomorrow, and you look tired."

"I have nothing else to do tomorrow but to take care of you. I want you to be with me on my next assignment."

Kaidan liked the idea of fighting alongside John. "I would like that."

"I need to train you so that you are prepared." John grabbed Kaidan's hand. "We were a team; we're good together." He then started eating.

"This food tastes delicious."

"You cook better than me." John grabbed a piece of steak and brought it to Kaidan's mouth, then stared at him. "I thought I would never do this again; I thought I had lost you forever."

Kaidan put the fork down to grab the glass of water and took a sip. "I still feel so confused. You look at me with so much affection, and I feel bad for not being able to reciprocate in the way that you deserve it. I want to remember you."

"Hey, don't try too hard, you just woke up. You've done enough allowing a stranger to undress you," John said to make Kaidan smile, and it worked. He then grabbed his beer and brought it to his mouth.

"Hey, why are you drinking that, and I'm not?"

"Until you recover, I don't want you to drink alcohol. Your body has been through a lot, Kay, so try to understand my concern."

Kaidan couldn't believe that the man who is sitting next to him is real. Miranda described John as one of the most influential people in this galaxy. He is sure that at some point in his life, he must have been proud to have him as his partner. "Tell me about Cerberus," Kaidan saw John's smile disappear from his face.

"We will leave that conversation for later," John said, then yawn.

"I hope you can sleep better today because by what Miranda told me, you slept in a chair in front of my bed for almost two years." Kaidan put a piece of steak into his mouth. "Do I have parents?"

John hadn't thought about Kaidan's parents in a long time, the last time he talked to them was six months ago, and he didn't dare to tell them about Kaidan following Miranda's advice. "Yes, and they think you're dead. I didn't want to tell them about you until you woke up."

"Can we go see them?"

"Yes, we will do it soon, so don't worry. I have to see my mother too. Also, we have to see our former Commander."

Immediately they finished eating; John had to leave him alone to talk to a certain Illusive Man. He appreciated being alone for a few minutes to organize his thoughts. A man without memory, he has no choice but to believe everything Joh tells him about his past.

Kaidan still can't believe he was dead. Cerberus must be a big organization to have spent a fortune rebuilding him. Kaidan thanks Miranda for everything she did for him, but he didn't like the way she looked at John; he is sure that she has feelings for him. Kaidan laughed, he has no memory of the relationship he had with John, but he is already feeling jealous for him.

A few minutes later, Kaidan was trying to exercise his legs when John returned to the chamber. "I wanted to see if I could walk alone."

In two steps, John stood in front of his man. "Kaidan you just woke up, I don't want you to overdo it. We can exercise your body tomorrow," he spoke, then grabbed him by his arms.

"But John-"

"That is enough for today!" John yelled at him but quickly regretted it and moved to the front of him to grab his cheek. "Look at me," Kaidan did. "You may not understand me, because you have not gone through what I have gone through these two years. You were clinically dead for months, Kay. I saw your body in a condition that I never want to see again. For your boyfriend, peace of mind listens to me."

Kaidan admitted that John is right; he is trying too hard on his body. "Okay, I'll listen to you. I'll go to bed. Funny, I have been asleep for a long time, and I feel tired."

"Your body is weak; therefore, it is normal that you are tired. I also feel exhausted, and I want to sleep. I will take a shower, and I will be back in a few minutes."

When Kaidan laid his head on the pillow, he felt a great relief. He heard the water falling from the bathroom, and he stared at the door. He acknowledged that it must not have been easy for John to see him in that bed for the past two years. Kaidan felt dizzy but didn't dare to tell John, not to worry him more than he already is. Funny, the man had gone for a few minutes, and he already misses his presence.

What Kaidan said to John is right; despite his lack of memory, he feels very close to the man, and his sole presence calms him down. Kaidan closed his eyes for a while, and when he opened them, John was coming out of the bathroom. John was wearing shorts, and a towel was hanging around his shoulders. He saw him walk to a small shelf and take out a T-shirt.

"You don't have to wear that; I don't mind you sleeping like that. Come to bed, please."

John put the towel down and then got into bed, and Kaidan covered part of his body with part of his blanket. Even though all John wants is to be close to him, he left a distance between their bodies. John leaned back on his left side and brought his hand up to Kaidan's left cheek. "What are you thinking?"

"Do you have a picture of us together?"

John smiled and shifted his position, then raised his Onmitool and turned it on, then searched through his gallery. To his surprise, Kaidan moved close to him and settled his head next to his. "This photo was the last one we took together." Kaidan started laughing. "What is so funny?"

"You were right; you were fat; look at your cheeks."

"You are an asshole!" John said and started laughing too; then he kept showing him more pictures.

"We look so happy."

"I can see that," Kaidan admitted.

John found another photo that he loves to watch, where Kaidan was coming out of the bathroom with his hair messy and wet. "I love this photo; you look cute."

Kaidan sighed and turned his face to look at John's eyes. "I want to remember you, help me remember us."

John turned off his Onmitool and put his arms around Kaidan. "I swear I'll make you remember me. You and I were more than happy we were perfect for each other. You changed the way I saw life. I was a different man when we met. You have always been good, and you rubbed that on me." Kaidan's kiss his forehead. "Thank you."

Kaidan settled his right arm around John's body. "I feel comfortable by your side."

"You always have."

"After all you've done for me, I can't believe you were mean."

"No mean I was cruel, but you taught me kindness, then when I lost you, I got mad at life, so I distanced myself from a lot of people to whom now I owe an apology." John pressed Kaidan closer to his body and let out a sigh. It is the first time that he will sleep with Kaidan after two years.

Kaidan closed his eyes and began to feel relaxed. "Can you wait until I'm ready?"

"I have waited two years; therefore, I will wait until you are ready."

Kaidan sighed and ran his hand slowly over John's chest, his skin feeling soft. He liked the sensation on her fingers when he stroked the hairs on her chest. He can see now because he fell in love with that man, it feels divine to be in his arms. The way John is hugging him like he never wants to let him go is overwhelming. He moved his left leg on top of John's, and he felt the erection that made him open his eyes.

"John you are.."

"I am sorry you always turn my body on badly. After two years, it is natural for me to feel this way, but I will not force you to do anything you are not ready to do. I am just grateful that you allowed me to be close to you today because your rejection would have hurt me a lot."

"Why can't I remember you if you were so important in my life?"

"Kaidan, you are alive because Miranda is good at what she does, but as she told you, you were clinically dead. It is a miracle that you are here with me."

"What happened to me?"

John shook his head. "I already told you that I don't feel ready to talk about it."

"I forgot, sorry."

"Don't apologize, love."

Kaidan kissed John's cheek and rested his head on his chest again. John fell asleep before him, so he could watch him while he slept. John is handsome, and Kaidan didn't dare tell him, but when he saw him come out of the bathroom, he thought he was super sexy and attractive.

Before falling asleep, Kaidan kissed John's lips; and fell in love with the taste. "Thank you, John, for putting your life on hold for me," he muttered before falling asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> About Kaidan, he is a sweet person, and he will continue to be, but his behavior is now a little different due to his lack of memory, but in time that will change.

Miranda grabbed the cup of coffee and left the mess hall area. She was a little bored, now that Kaidan had woken up Shepard has taken over him. Miranda still has work to do with Cerberus, but her main job at that base was the Lazarus Project. While she was walking to her office, she passed by the training quarters and stopped in front of the large mirror, after she saw that Shepard was there. Miranda smiled, and she was about to enter when she saw Kaidan, so she changed her mind.

Miranda couldn't hear the conversation they were having, but apparently, Shepard said something that made Kaidan blush. She touched the mirror and sighed, for the first time, she wants to be someone else. Miranda misses her conversations with the Commander since all his attention is for the Lieutenant. What she just saw touched her heart and brought tears to her eyes. Shepard hugged Kaidan in a way that no one had ever hugged her. As beautiful as the scene was, it was painful for her to watch.

Kaidan doesn't remember the Commander, but that didn't change his feelings for Shepard, and she can see it in his eyes every time they look at each other. Miranda didn't grow up in a loving family; she had no idea that two people could love each other that much. Until Miranda met Shepard, the most important thing for her was her job. During these two years, the Commander became the second most important thing in her life, and it's painful to know that she could never have him.

"I don't understand how a talented and independent woman like you are have set her eyes on someone that you knew was never going to be yours."

After hearing Jacob's voice, Miranda turned around to look at him. "I don't know what you're talking about, Jacob," she said and started to walk away, but the man uncrossed his arms and rushed towards her.

"Come on, Miranda, I am not a fool, I have seen how you and the Commander got closer to each other. I also noticed the way you look at the man. I know you fell in love with Shepard."

Miranda put on a smile. "Come on, Jacob, you know me too well, so you know I am not that kind of person who believes in those fairy tales." Miranda has an image of being a tough person, and she wants to maintain that image; that's why she lied.

"Yes, you weren't that kind of person until you met Shepard, and I can't judge you," Jacob said, then looked towards the window." I'm surprised by Shepard's behavior too. Shepard's dossiers describe a very different man. The man who has worked with us for two years used to be a ruthless bastard, but it seems that the Lieutenant changed him." Jacob looked at the two men, Miranda did too. "You are a tough woman, but you also have a heart, and it is only natural that you fell in love with him. You two have a lot of similarities."

Miranda could no longer continue looking at the romantic scene; therefore, she continued walking towards her office. Why deny what was evident to Jacob, who knew her so well, she thought. They took a seat and remained silent, looking at each other for a few seconds. "Okay, I'm not going to continue denying that I have fallen in love with the Commander, he has treated me in a way that made it impossible for me not to fall for him. The thing is that we have bigger problems to worry about right now."

"I care about your mental health. You need to have your mind focused on what is coming upon us, the reapers, but when I see you looking at the happy couple with sad eyes, it worries me."

"I don't need your pity Jacob," Miranda snapped at him.

"it's not pity, Miranda, I care about you."

Miranda didn't know what to say, she had not prepared for that conversation, and Jacob's words have confused her. There was a time when Miranda was close to Jacob, but she thought a relationship would not have worked because of their differences in how they see things. Miranda can't deny that Jacob is handsome, but because of their past, she decided that it was better to be friends.

"I am grateful for your concern, but how I feel about Shepard it will not affect my work; it will also happen," she spoke, and she wanted to believe in her own words, but she is not sure that can be possible. Miranda has realized that she is human and that it is rational to feel sad.

"I'm not sure about that." Jacob got thoughtful for a moment. "Have you ever thought what would have happened if we had given ourselves a chance?"

She has thought about it, but she is not about to admit it. "A relationship between us would not have worked."

"That wasn't my question."

"Yes, I've thought about it..." She finally admitted, "...but why torment yourself with what could have been, but it didn't happen." Miranda didn't want to sound cold, but she had no other way to express herself.

Jacob settled his gaze on Miranda's eyes before addressing her. "Well, sometimes, I do. I am sad that your blindness doesn't let you see what you have in front of you."

"What do you mean?"

Jacob got up and walked to the door, but before opening it, he turned around to look at Miranda. "You are brilliant, Miranda; therefore, it will not be difficult for you to figure out."

After Jacob left the office, Miranda stared at the door but didn't get up to follow Jacob since she needed time to process his last comment. A few minutes went by when she saw Shepard walk through the door, and immediately a smile appeared on her face but quickly disappeared when he saw Kaidan walked behind him.

"Miranda, I want to inform you that Kaidan and I will be in our quarters for a while, will you need us?"

"Not right now, Shepard." She looked at Kaidan. "How you feel?"

"With each passing day I feel stronger thanks to John," Kaidan said and smiled at his Commander.

"Kaidan Miranda has also helped you."

"Thanks, Shepard," Miranda said and gave the man a warm look, but when she met Kaidan's gaze, she saw something. She saw a strange gleam in his reddish eyes, jealousy perhaps.

"It was her job to bring me back," Kaidan blurted out.

Miranda noticed the look the two men shared, and she felt the mood in the room change dramatically. "You are right, Kaidan, but over time you stopped being a project. I already knew that you were important to the Commander, but I never imagined how much, so I wanted to see him calm, and I knew that for that to happen, I had to save you."

"Whatever you did for him, not for me."

"Kaidan, please don't be so rude," John snapped at him.

Miranda looked at the Commander; she is not angry at the way the Lieutenant is speaking to her; quite the contrary, she could understand him. "It is okay, Shepard, I understand. The Lieutenant is jealous of me."

Kaidan's face flushed with anger. "I'm not!" He lied.

"Enough, Kaidan, let's go!" John yelled at him.

"John!"

"We are leaving since you can't behave civilly with the person who saved your life."

When the two men left her office, Miranda heard them argue before walking away. She laughed sarcastically at the thought that Kaidan was a fool. Shepard and Miranda lived together for two years, and they were very close, but the Commander remained faithful to his feelings. She had never seen someone who loved another human being as much as Shepard loves the Lieutenant; therefore, Kaidan has nothing to fear.

,,,

_Kaidan has been seeking for his Commander throughout the Normandy, and the last place he searched was in the ship's mess hall. He rubbed the back of his neck and thought that Shepard never retired to his cabin without talking to him first. Kaidan shouldn't be worried; he shouldn't care if Shepard talks to him or not; after all, he's the Commander of the ship so the man can do whatever he wants, but Kaidan does care._

_Kaidan then saw Ashley enter the mess hall, and he approached her. "Have you seen the Commander?" Kaidan asked and then saw that she smiled at him._

_"Shepard is in his cabin; he has been there since we got back from Noveria. I think he wants to be alone." Ashley noticed that Kaidan was worried, and she thought that what the Lieutenant feels for Shepard is cute; the best thing is that she is sure that the Commander feels the same way about Kaidan._

_Kaidan frowned as he remembers what happened in Noveria after they had to kill Liara's mother. Shepard was going to kill de Rachni queen, but he made him change his mind, but after that, his Commander has hardly spoken to him. Kaidan dared to express his opinion because Shepard had said that he could express himself freely, so now he does not understand why the man is angry with him._

_"Why do you think that?" Kaidan asked her._

_"Because I went to talk to Shepard, and he said he is not in the mood to talk to anyone, but I know that does not apply to you. You are lucky; the Commander is always nice to you." Ashley paused to see the Lieutenant's reaction to those words, but he continued to stare at her with a neutral expression on his face. "Shepard may be furious, and I have noticed that the only one who can calm him is you."_

_Kaidan got thoughtful since he doesn't like to speak everything that comes to mind. He doesn't want to say something that could put his job at risk. He and Shepard have had conversations where his Commander has openly flirted with him. Kaidan has no doubt what he is feeling for the man. What Kaidan doesn't understand is why he has does feelings for Shepard if he has seen the man behave cruelly and hatefully with others, and he doesn't like people who act like that._

_"That's not true," Kaidan said after a few seconds to mislead Ashley, who is very smart, and he has noticed that nothing slips by her._

_"Come on, Kaidan, you know I'm not stupid what I am is very observant, and I've seen how the Commander behaves with you."_

_"Ashley-"_

_"Listen to me," Ashley cut him off. "What happened in Noveria prove what I'm telling you is the truth."_

_"Why are you saying that?"_

_"We have been working with the Commander for weeks, and you and I know that when he makes a decision, nothing makes him back down, but you did. I saw how Shepard looked at you when you explained why he couldn't murder the queen, and he didn't hesitate and save her. I am sure that if it had been me, his reaction would have been different."_

_Kaidan laughed out loud and then had to admit Ashley was right; he had seen Shepard get angry when someone tried to override him. "But, according to you, he's mad at me."_

_"That was not what I said, Kaidan. I think the Commander is confused about his feeling for you." Ashley paused and thought that there was a time when she was attracted to Shepard, but she quickly realized that he likes Kaidan. "I have spoken little to Shepard, but it was enough to realize that man has never been in a serious relationship. Perhaps he is overwhelmed by what you make him feel."_

_"Do you think that's what is happening to him?" For Kaidan and impossible to think that a man like Shepard is feeling overwhelmed because of him. Kaidan does not think of himself as a man who stands out; on the contrary; he believes he too dull._

_"I'm almost sure, and you should go talk to Shepard."_

_"You know Ashely, Shepard is not the only one who is confused." Kaidan is usually a discreet man, but he has gotten very close to Ashley; therefore, he trusts her, and now he needs someone to vent his feelings. "I like the Commander, and it's tough on me because I have never broken the regularizations, and Shepard is not the kind of person that I would consider for a romantic relationship, he doesn't seem cut for that."_

_"Are you talking about the way he behaves sometimes?" Kaidan nodded. "Funny, he's my kind of man, but I soon realized he like you, so I knew I would never have a chance with him." She sighed. "I got you, Kaidan, but I also understand Shepard; you can't be too good when you are the Commander, because you have to maintain a tough figure so that no one tries to walk over you."_

_"Sometimes Shepard is too hard, sometimes Ashley."_

_"But that didn't stop you from falling in love with the man, and don't deny it."_

_"I like the man, but that doesn't mean I'm in love with him."_

_I've seen how upset you get every time someone messes with Shepard's brain."_

_"Shepard is a human being; those visions are not good for him," Kaidan quickly replied. He does not like to see the Commander in any dangerous situation._

_"Because you care deeply for him. You are in love, my friend."_

_“Ashley ... "_

_"Go talk to Shepard; I think you two need a heart to heart, conversation."_

_Kaidan nodded but didn't move; he continued talking to his friend for a while longer until she left him alone. Kaidan took a deep breath then walked to Shepard's cabin. He was going to announce himself, but he didn't and just walked inside. Kaidan saw Shepard; he was sitting on his sofa holding a glass in his right hand; his head was lying on the back of the couch, with his eyes closed. His Commander looked vulnerable._

_"Commander, can we speak?"_

_John opened his eyes and looked toward his Lieutenant, and while he was looking at him, he thought that only Kaidan dares to enter his cabin without announcing himself, and he is okay with that. "Not now lieutenant," John coldly spoke._

_Shepard doesn't use his rank when he addresses him, Kaidan thought, and that confuses him. "You are okay, commander?"_

_John took a sip of his drink. "Yes, I just want to be alone." John got up to fill his glass, but he felt dizzy and almost lost his balance. He has been drinking on an empty stomach since he returned from Noveria._

_Kaidan moved quickly and grabbed Shepard by his arm. "Shepard, are you alright?"_

_John can hardly contain himself when he is close to Kaidan; therefore, John does not know if he could do it now since he is drunk, so he quickly moved away from him. "Yes, I just told you I just want to be alone, lieutenant!" John yelled at Kaidan but immediately regretted it. "I am sorry Kaidan, I didn't mean ..."_

_"I can see that you are mad at me because I expressed how I felt about your decision to murder the queen. I dared to question you because you told me you like it when I speak my mind, but you had the right to ignore me; after all, you are the Commander you have the last word."_

_John took a step toward his Lieutenant and looked deep into his beautiful brown eyes. "You think I don't know that. You right, I am the Commander, what I say goes, but when you speak ..." John rubbed his forehead. "...You screwed up my mind, Lieutenant, and I allowed you to do it." John took a deep breath to calm down. "I never give a second thought to my decisions. I am who I am, and I had never cared about what my crew thinks of me until I met you, Lieutenant."_

_For a moment, they just stared at each other, since Kaidan didn't know what to say. "I don't understand you, Shepard."_

_John raised his arms in the air and waved his hands in front of Kaidan. "Come on, Kaidan; you are not stupid; you know what I mean. You and I have been flirting for weeks, and that's another damn thing that makes me mad. I had never set my eyes on a member of my crew, but I had never met someone like you."_

_John turned around so his Lieutenant couldn't look him in the eye. "You are kind, and you have taught me that I don't have to be cruel to do the right thing." He rubbed his jaw for a bit. "I saved that queen because you asked me to, and I didn't want you to think that I am a ruthless being." John turned back around to look at Kaidan. "Yes, I never care what people think of me, but now I'm afraid that you believe I'm ruthless."_

_Kaidan took a step toward his Commander. "I don't think you are ruthless, but sometimes you are too hard, and you don't have to be."_

_John frowned. "I just told you that I like you, and that is all you have to say to me?"_

_"You just said it, I'm not stupid, I already knew it, and I like you too, but there are rules about this kind of thing."_

_Kaidan no longer doubts that he wants to be with his Commander, but he believes the rules are there for a reason. Kaidan has never broken regs; he has never done anything improper. He doesn't think he is perfect, but he always tries to do the right thing. Kaidan's father was hard on him in that kind of thing since he also works for the Alliance. When he was a child, he never got into trouble at school, but as a teenager, he was restless, but never did anything illegal._

_"You think I don't know about rules, why do you think I locked myself hereafter the mission? I needed to be alone to think and be away from temptation, but here you are tormenting me with your presence because the mere fact of having you close and not being able to touch you drives me crazy." John spoke, but his Lieutenant just stared at him in silence, and he felt his skin burn under that intense gaze._

_"Do you want me to keep my distance from now on?" No, that's not what Kaidan wants; he wants to devour those lips._

_"No," John replied without hesitation. "I am done struggling with what I feel for you."_

_"Shepard ..."_

_"I have a name, so use it." John took a step toward Kaidan. "What do you want of me?"_

_Kaidan chuckled and thought his Commander looked cute when he let his guard down. "I wish you stop being so impulsive. John, please take your time to think before acting because the decision that you make can affect the future of too many people. You were going to kill a race that is one of its kind."_

_"Kaidan ..."_

_"You don't have to be so extreme, being good or kind won't make you less of Commander; on the contrary, you will earn more respect from your crew."_

_"Do you believe that?"_

_"Yes, I do." Kaidan saw the man smile and then point to the sofa, so he took a seat, then saw his Commander grab the bottle of brandy and prepare two drinks. John then sat next to him and gave him a glass which he brought to his mouth. "Uhm, this is a good brandy."_

_"The doctor gave it to me."_

_"Well, the doctor has good taste," Kaidan said then noticed that his Commander got silent as he watched him intently. "Is something wrong, John?"_

_John smiled. "I am going to tell you something that I have never told a living soul. I didn't use to be cruel or extreme as you call me. I grew up with my parents, my mother, Hannah Shepard, works for the Alliance, my father was also in Alliance soldier before he died in the line of duty."_

_"Oh ... " Kaidan didn't know what else to say since he didn't know that detail about his Commander's life, and it means a lot that he is sharing it with him._

_"My father and I were very close; I always wanted to be like him, but his death broke me. I didn't know that a human could feel that kind of pain. It took me a long time to recover, but I did it for my mother, who quietly suffered the death of her husband but remained steady for me. I swore that I would never let anyone get close to me. I love my mother, and that is the only love I wanted in my heart." It is the first time that John talked about his past with someone, and it was not easy for him to do it, but he wants Kaidan to understand why he is the way he is._

_Kaidan felt moved with that confession; he had no idea that his Commander had gone through that, the man always looks strong as if nothing could break him. "Woo, John, I never thought ..." Kaidan shook his head. "...Well, thanks for sharing that with me, but still, there are people like me who respect you and want the best for you."_

_John raised his head and gave his Lieutenant a warm look. "I have seen how you care about me, and that has not gone unnoticed for me." John grabbed Kaidan's hand. "I want to get to know you better; I want to be worth it to you."_

_Kaidan dared to bring his hand to John's cheek then he slowly moved his thumb around it. "You are worth it, you are fighting for the good of an entire galaxy, and that is worth a lot to me."_

_"You already mean a lot to me, Kaidan."_

_"The feeling is mutual, Commander."_

_"I'm sorry for talking to you the way I did a little while ago, but I was confused. "_

_"You don't have to apologize, John, I understand you."_

_John squeezed Kaidan's hand. "Can we make this work?"_

_Kaidan laughed. "If I'm going to break regs, it better work."_

_"Now, I can tell you. You are so handsome, Kay, I am crazy about you."_

_"And I for you, my handsome and sexy Commander."_

_,,,_

Kaidan stretched his right arm to the side to draw John to him, but when he didn't feel his man's body, he opened his eyes. "John," he murmured but got no answer. He felt strange since it is the first time he wakes up alone in bed; John never leaves the room without telling him. John always gives him a good morning kiss, that's how his day has started since he woke up from that coma two weeks ago.

His body is getting stronger, thanks to John's training. Jacob is a weapons specialist, and he has been giving him some lessons on how to use his pistol since his boyfriend specializes in rifles. Kaidan still has not been able to remember any detail of his past life, and sometimes that makes him feel desperate, but John is always there to calm him down. There is one thing Kaidan is sure; he doesn't need his memories to know that he is in love with that man.

Kaidan sat up at the foot of the bed then rest his hands on each side of his legs. He looked at John's jacket folded on top of the sofa's arm. If there is one thing, he has learned about his commander is that the man is clean and organized, Kaidan likes that. Finally, he got up and walked to the bathroom. Kaidan loves to take a morning shower, but since he is going to train, he thought what the point is if he is going to sweat anyway. Kaidan used the toilet, brushed his teeth, then returned to his quarters.

Kaidan was getting dressed when he felt a breath on the back of his neck that made him turn around, but he didn't see anyone around him, so he smiled and crossed his arms on his chest. "John ..." He saw his lover uncloaked in front of him and immediately grabbed his waist.

John leaned his head forward to kiss Kaidan's cheek, but his sentinel moved his face, so his lips slid to his mouth. John swallowed and didn't dare to move. "Kaidan ..."

Kaidan uncrossed his arms and moved them behind John's back. He does not remember what it feels like to kiss another human being, so he acted on instinct and began to move his lip on top of John's. When John put his tongue inside his mouth, his cock got hard right away; his whole body lit up. John's response was quick as he pressed their bodies together and began to move his mouth over his slowly at first but then with despair.

John started moving his hands around Kaidan's back. It is the first time in two years that he kissed his lover's lips, and the feeling was overwhelming. "Kay," he murmurs between kisses.

Kaidan was the first one to break the kiss and saw the tears in John's eyes. "What's wrong?" Kaidan asked him, but John just hugged him tightly, and his body was shaking. "John, why are you crying? I thought a kiss from me would make you happy."

John kissed Kaidan's cheek repeatedly. "I'm sorry, love, they are tears of happiness. Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me; I wanted to kiss you. Where were you?"

John pulled away and wiped off the tears. "I went to talk to Miranda." It would have been easier to lie to avoid another argument, but John cannot lie to his man.

"And you couldn't wait for me to wake up so we could go talk to her together?"

Kaidan understands that Miranda was the one who saved his life, but he knows that she was only doing her job. The fact that he doesn't have memory doesn't mean that he is stupid, and he has seen the way Miranda looks at his man. John hasn't given him a reason to be jealous, but Kaidan can't help but feel that way. It's funny how he hasn't been able to remember his past with John, but he's terrified at the thought that he might lose him to someone else.

"I went to apologize for what you said yesterday."

"You didn't have to do that," Kaidan snapped angrily.

"I had to do it, you were very mean to her, and Miranda doesn't deserve that. She saved your life Kaidan."

"Not because she likes me." It irritated him the way John cares about that woman. Kaidan doesn't know why, but he doesn't trust the organization that brought him back to life, and Miranda works for them.

"What do you mean by that?"

Kaidan moved away from John, and for a moment, he got silent. "Miranda didn't care about my life; neither did Cerberus. From what I have read, you are a legend, you saved the Citadel and avoided an invasion; therefore, they recovered my body to get to you because they knew what I meant to you. I was a soldier with faulty implants who suffered from a migraine, so I wasn’t useful to them."

Both Miranda and John had provided him with reports about the Commander and himself; therefore, he has read a lot. Kaidan read about the L2 implants. He was a member of John's crew, but he doubted he would have been helpful because of his constant migraines. Commander Shepard, however, was and is necessary, the man has a reputation for being extreme, but he always got the job done.

"Don't talk about yourself like that." John approached Kaidan. "You were important to me. Your migrants never stopped you from performing your duties. You fought by my side, win every mission I completed. You were there when I defeated Saren; I couldn't have done it without you." John didn't like what he saw in Kaidan's eyes; in fact, he is worried since his sentinel is not behaving as he used to do before.

"Are you telling me the truth?"

That question got him angry. "Why the hell am I going to lie to you."

"I don't know!" Kaidan was honest in his response but didn't like the hurt he saw in her lover's eyes.

"I'm going, to be honest with you, Kay. I have lied too many times to get what I want from someone, but I have never lied to you. You changed my life; you taught me kindness. You created this man who is now standing in front of you."

Kaidan rubbed his forehead. John seemed sincere, and he has no reason not to believe him. "Okay, I believe you, but still, Cerberus wanted you and not me."

"Yes and no. Cerberus knew how vital you were to me, but when I spoke to Illusive Man, he admitted that you were a hell of a good soldier and that you were going to be of great help to me."

"Okay," Kaidan nodded. "But Miranda is in love with you and don't deny it." Kaidan knows that he will regret what he is about to ask, but he did it anyway. "Something happened between you two?"

For the first time in two years, John glared at Kaidan. "How can you ask me that?"

Don't answer me with a question, so did you sleep with her while I was in a coma?"

"Oh, fuck you!" John snapped, and the two of them just stared at each other in silence for a bit. Kaidan's doubt is hurting him. "I can't believe that you can even think that I would do something like that after I told you what happened to me after you died. I was fucking broken, Kaidan Alenko. I was numb for a long time; the only thing I did was think about you all fucking day!" John yelled at him then saw Kaidan approach him, but he put a hand in the front. "Don't touch me."

"I'm so sorry, John." Kaidan ignored John's request and hugged him either way. "I think I am jealous."

John sighed and put his arms around Kaidan's body. "You think?" John then kissed Kaidan's cheek. "Don't doubt me again, Kay, I love you madly."

"I wouldn't."

The two of them held each other for a while, and after another loving kiss, they left the room to go training. Kaidan was embarrassed by the way he was behaving. John has shown him loyalty. The man could have easily been with Miranda or some else while he was gone, but he did not; therefore, he promised himself not to doubt him again.

Training with John was fun; they have a routine, they warm up their body first, then John trains him with his biotics since he is having trouble with it. Wrestling with John is even more fun, especially when he ends up on top of the man like right now. Kaidan managed to turn on his barrier and placed his hands on John's chest, then saw John's eyes light up with lust.

Kaidan bit his lips; since he was sitting on top of the man's crotch, he felt when his lover cock got hard underneath him. "Woo, John ..."

For weeks John has respected Kaidan's space because he is aware that the man doesn't remember him, but after that hot kiss, he could no longer do it. He grabbed Kaidan by the nape of his neck and pulled him into a passionate kiss. The Commander wasted no time and shifted their bodies to get on top of his man. He moved his right hand to Kaidan's right side and squeezed it, then rocked his hip so that his lover could feel his erection, but what made him moan was to feel Kaidan's.

Kaidan groaned and deepened the kiss. He could feel its energy travel through his body, and he couldn't turn it off, he was fucking turned on. When John moved his hand inside his shirt and stroked his right nipple with his thumb, his cock twisted inside his pants. If Miranda doesn't interrupt them, he doesn't know what would have happened. The two of them quickly got up while they were breathing heavily. Miranda was watching them intently, and Kaidan noticed that the woman's face was flushed.

"I ... well, I'm sorry to interrupt, I came looking for the Commander since the Illusive man wants to see him."

"Now?" Kaidan couldn't help but ask. The only thing he wants right now is to go back to his quarters to finish what he started with John.

John rubbed the back of his neck. "Give me a few minutes, and I'll go talk to him."

"Okay, Commander."

When Miranda left them alone, John approached Kaidan again. "Wait for me in our quarters." John did not dare to kiss him goodbye because if he did, he could no longer control himself.

"Do not delay." John nodded then walked away. On the way to his quarters, Kaidan stopped by the mess to prepare a cup of coffee. He doesn't remember if he used to like coffee, but now he loves it. "Hey, Jacob," Kaidan greeted the man.

"Hey Kaidan, how are you feeling?"

"I am good. Hey thanks for your training, they've helped me a lot."

Jacob smiled at Kaidan. "Don't mention it. You know I'm here for what you need me for," Jacob said, then got thoughtful for a moment. "Kaidan, I have realized that you are a good soldier."

"Thanks, Jacob, I needed to hear that. We'll talk later. I'll go take a shower before I came back to grab a bite." Kaidan left the mess, but he didn't have to wait long for John because the man returned a few minutes later. "Hey, ready to finish what we started."

John sighed. He wants nothing more than to stay with Kaidan, but duty calls him. "I have to go out with Jacob and Miranda to retake a shipment that was intercepted by Cerberus enemies."

"Oh ... and why don't you take me with you?"

"Babe, you are not ready."

"But-"

John raised his right hand to the front, "Don't argue with me, Kaidan! I already told you that you are not ready, and I will not let you convince me otherwise. The last time you disobeyed me, you died. When I'm sure you're ready, you will join my crew, therefore sit tight and wait for me."

Kaidan understood John's reasons and nodded. "When you return, can we...well...have sex babe."

"I am happy that Miranda interrupted us."

"But why?"

"Because you are not ready."

"What the hell, John!" Kaidan now spoke angrily. "You felt me; I want you badly." Kaidan may not be fit to return to combat, but he is one hundred percent sure he is ready to be intimate with John.

John smiled and grabbed Kaidan's cheek. "I know, and I'm dying to have you again, but I don't want to have sex with you."

That answer made him feel confused. "I don't understand you."

"I want to make love to you. Although you don't remember us, it is normal that you feel horny, I am too, but I don't just want your body, I want your affection. I want to hear you say you love me while I'm fucking you. Sex is not essential to me; you are." John moved his hand and grabbed his lover's jaw, then gave him a short kiss. "I'll be back soon," he said and turned around to walk to the door.

"But I don't need my memories to know that I love you, John, I know," his voice sounded muffled.

Those words made him turn around again, and with eyes full of tears, he looked at his lover. "You mean that?"

Kaidan closed the distance between the two of them. "Of course, Commander. I know that I love you with insanity. Go but take care of yourself and return to my arms safe and sound so that we can enjoy ourselves."

John smiled broadly. "That's an order, Lieutenant?"

"Hell, yes." Kaidan gave a short kiss to his man. "I love you."

"Oh Kay, me too. I will be back safe and sound to you, I promise."

"I will be waiting for you, love.”

,,,

John wiped the blood off his forehead. "Shit!"

"Commander, are you okay?" Miranda asked and brought her hand to the man's forehead, but he moved it away.

"Yes, I'm fine." He looked around to make sure there are no more enemies around. "Let's move on to securing the cargo."

John has learned not to ask questions when it comes to helping the Illusive man with something. John is not a fool; he knows what Cerberus is capable of doing, but right now, all he cares about is that Kaidan regains his strength to join them. The colonies continue to disappear, and they have no clue who is behind it.

When they got back to the shuttle, John sat back away from Miranda. He doesn't want any misunderstandings or problems with Kaidan, but she followed him and sat next to him. "What are we transporting?"

"Nothing illegal, Shepard, I promise you. So, have you and the lieutenant regained your relationship?"

"Yes, and I am sorry for the scene you ran into a while ago."

In the past, John has had wild sex, he has been with two men at the same time and has had an audience, but that is the old Shepard; this one is more modest. It's funny how some people can change the behavior of others, and that's what happened to him after meeting Kaidan. John wants his man to regain his memory and start behaving like he used to do before.

"It is okay Shepard, I just ..." Miranda got thoughtful; she needed to think her next words. "I just miss our conversation or your visits to my quarters to share a drink. I got used to your company."

John couldn't help but smile at Miranda. He can't deny that he feels good next to her. Miranda is a lovely person, and he loves her like a sister. "Me too, but I've missed Kaidan for too long, and now I just want to spend all my free time with him."

"I understand. The lieutenant doesn't like me; I think he's jealous."

John chuckled as he remembered when his man admitted he was jealous. "He is a little jealous, but we've already talked about it. Miranda, I am concerned about Kaidan's behavior."

"Shepard, you need to remember that he is frustrated by his lack of memory, so you need to give him time. When Kaidan begins to remember, his behavior will change."

"I hope so." John looked forward. "Well, we will leave for Earth tomorrow so you and Jacob will be fine without us for a few days?" It is time for Kaidan's parents to know that their son is alive; John can't continue postponing that moment; they have to be suffering still."

The reason why John had not told Kaidan's father what has been going on for his son varies. First, Robert Alenko works for the Alliance, and he doesn't like Cerberus, second, he wanted to wait and see if Kaidan remembered anything from his past, but that has not happened. Third, he wanted to be sure that Kaidan was physically and emotionally strong because he knows that their encounter will be very emotional.

"Any death is difficult to overcome and is harder when it is the death of a loved one. Don't worry about Jacob and me; we will be fine." Miranda smiled. "I have to say, seeing you two in that position was hot."

John chuckled. "It was, but I'm glad you interrupted us. I want to wait until Kaidan remembers me. I want his affection, not his body only."

Miranda sighed. "You are a good man Shepard, Kaidan is lucky to have you."

"I am the lucky one, Miranda."

"You don't even have to wait, Shepard, I know he loves you."

John grabbed Miranda's right hand. "Thanks, Miranda I needed to hear that." John then brushed a lock of hair from her forehead. "You mean a lot to me, never forget it." He saw tears in her beautiful eyes, so he withdrew his hand. It hurts not being able to reciprocate, but his heart is already busy loving someone else.

John leaned forward and clasped his hands together. He feels that he is lucky for too many reasons. John found a person who saved his soul and who gave him a solid reason to fight for this galaxy. Losing Kaidan was disastrous, but life brought him back, so he is grateful for a lot of things. Now he must bring happiness back to two human beings who have gone through a lot as he did, Kaidan's parents.

When John returned to the base, he went straight to his quarters. He found his lover sitting on the sofa looking at something on his datapad, but the moment their eyes meet, he put it down and looked at him. "Did you miss me?"

The first thing Kaidan noticed was the nasty cut his man has on his forehead, so he quickly got up and approached him. "John, you have a cut on your forehead, what happened?"

"Oh," John touched his forehead. "It's nothing; it doesn't hurt anymore."

"Don't say it's nothing," Kaidan spoke with concern in his voice. He activated his Onmitool and applied medi-gel on John's forehead. "That is, it; I am ready to come back to work Commander; you will not continue doing this alone!" Kaidan spoke with determination. Every time John leaves him to go on a mission, he gets restless.

John smiled. "Sure, love, whatever you say. I need you by my side, and you showed me today that you are almost ready. I promise that you will be on my next mission. Have you already eaten something?"

"Yes, but now I have a different kind of appetite."

Kaidan didn't give him time to reply because he quickly put his right arm around his neck and pulled him into a hot and exciting kiss. John grabbed Kaidan by his waist and reciprocated with the same enthusiasm. John could no longer continue to deny himself what he has yearned to do for so long; therefore, he moved his hands down and grabbed Kaidan's thighs to lift him. His man placed his legs around his waist; then he took him to the bed where he slowly lay him down, then climbed on top of him.

After two years, he wants to take his time with his lover, but in the way that Kaidan was kissing him, it will be almost impossible for that to happen. His lover broke the kiss and slid his lips to his neck. "Kay, are you sure this is what you want?" John asked because he needs to be sure that Kaidan wants to be with him. He wouldn't mind waiting a little longer for his lover.

Kaidan's face flushed. "I have spent hours searching the net for ways to please a man, so yes, I am ready."

John put a hand on Kaidan's chest. "You did what?"

Kaidan raised his head to look at his man. "Well, I don't remember what sex is like, so since I don’t want to disappoint you, I did my research. By the way, those videos are hot."

John moved his right hand to Kaidan's cheek and stroked it gently. "You didn't need to do that, I will guide you, and you could never disappoint me in any way. I had many lovers before I meet you, but only with you, I have enjoyed sex to the fullest."

Kaidan chuckled. "How many?" Kaidan asked.

"That doesn't matter what matters is that you have been the only man who has meant something to me," after those powerful words, John recaptured his man's lips. John kissed his lover for a long time, he never wanted to stop, but he did it to remove their shirts. "I was in combat, so do you want me to take a shower first?"

"No, we will do it together later."

John's body shuddered when he heard that. "We used to shower together all the time?" John still can't believe he was finally going to make love to Kaidan again. Sex is not essential, but he can't deny that he likes doing it with his man. During the last two years, he can't deny that he used his hand to satisfy his need, but it was not the same.

"So, let's continue that tradition. John, do you want to be top or bottom?" Kaidan saw John's face blush, and that made him chuckle. "You look beautiful when you blush Commander Shepard, so what do you say?"

"I'm dying to fuck you, to feel my dick deep inside your ass," John admitted, and as he said that his dick throbbed with desire. He lowered his head and began to kiss his boyfriend's chest slowly. "I'm dying to taste your cock again."

Kaidan let out a low moan upon hearing that. He moved his hand to John's head and closed his eyes when he reached his belly. He doesn't remember what he used to feel when John stroked him like that, but right now, it's quite spectacular. John stopped when he reached his pants strap. "John, please don't stop."

"I couldn't stop anymore. I couldn't stop even if I wanted to; my cock is so hard that it hurts." John spoke. He unbuttoned Kaidan's belt, then the button, and finally undid his zipper. "Get your ass up love," John asked him to slide his pants down, but before removing his underpants, he got out of bed to get undress.

Kaidan stared at John as he got undress, and when he was completely naked, he lowered his hand to his crotch to stroke his erection. "John, you are very handsome and sexy."

Seeing Kaidan rubbing his erection as he devoured him with his gaze made his cock jump; he was already dripping. John came back to bed and finally finished undressing his lover. He stared at Kaidan's dick for a few seconds before grabbing it by the shaft; then, he let out a long sigh. "God, it's so good to feel you again." John closed his hand around the crown and sucked in the air, and then, he started rubbing that delicate part. His hand was slipping because Kaidan was leaking a lot of pre-cum.

Kaidan opened his mouth, but his words got stuck in his throat when John lowered his head and thrust his cock into his mouth. "Oh, yes ..." He managed to say after a while. John's mouth felt so warm, and the tip of his cock was brushing his gum, making the feeling more pleasant. The best thing was when his man started sucking it around his crown. He knows he had already felt that kind of pleasure, but right now, it's like his first time, and it feels fucking fantastic.

The taste and smell of Kaidan's cock were intoxicating. John wants his man to feel sex fully since it is somehow his first time, so he moved his hands up and down to stroke his dick as he sucked on the tip. His boyfriend pushed his head down; John relaxed the muscles of his throat to stroke the tip. His lover started to gasp and moan; John's cock was dripping a lot of pre-cum, so he grabbed it and started rubbing around the slippery tip.

"Fuck, John, that feels good." Kaidan couldn't describe in words what he is feeling right now, but his body did when his biotics lighted. "John, I can't control my powers, what is wrong?"

John released Kaidan's cock to look at him. "It is okay, babe. You look beautiful when you light up like that."

"Come here, John, please."

John obeyed and moved up, but before kissing his lover, he aligned their cocks together then captured his man's lips. Kaidan put his legs around his waist, and John moved his hips to rub their cocks together. Nothing had changed John thought; his sentinel was moaning, and his body shuddered as it used to do when they made love. Kaidan grabbed his ass then did something he had never done before; he elevated their bodies in the air and spun them around.

"What the hell?" John asked in surprise since Kaidan had never been able to do that, he was not that powerful before.

"What is wrong?" Kaidan asked, confused.

"You've never done that before. The Miranda taught you to float like that?" Miranda is a powerful biotic, and she had taught Kaidan some tricks, but he has never seen her float like that.

"No, it just happened. Came on, forget it."

His boyfriend bit his neck, and that made his body shudder since he loves when Kaidan does that. His man has always been the boss in bed, and he is happy to see that has not changed. When Kaidan grabbed his cock, John was surprised that he didn't have to guide him. Kaidan then grabbed his legs, lifted them, and then pushed them back to lift his ass, then he started running his tongue over his asshole. "Fuck!" John groaned when Kaidan stuck the tip of his tongue into his hole.

John's dick jerk. He looked in the direction of Kaidan, but his cock was in the way, so he grabbed it to move it down, the view was the hottest thing he has seen in a long time. John felt when his man inserted a finger, causing the tip of his dick to throb in his hand, so he started rubbing it. "Oh, Yes." John started to move his hand slowly down his cock, but gradually he picked up speed until he rubbed himself in despair. He lost total control of his body; he forgot that Jacob and Miranda's quarters were next to theirs, and he began to moan loudly.

Kaidan looked up. "John let me screw you; I want to practice what I saw in that video. You can fuck me later. We have all night."

John smiled, and although he wants to feel his prick inside Kaidan's ass, he can't deny that he loves when Kaidan fuck him. His sentinel has been the only man he has allowed to penetrate him. "Okay, love." He saw his man smile broadly then knelt behind him. He watched him squeeze his tip then smear a finger with pre-cum to spread it on his ass. "You are going to have to tell me where on the network you saw those videos."

Kaidan chuckled. "No, I have to keep some secrets to myself." Kaidan then grabbed his cock by its shaft and placed the tip into his man's hole. "Ready?"

"Fuck, yes! Fuck me, Kaidan Alenko!" John took a deep breath when Kaidan pushed inside him. He was now rubbing his cock slowly since he doesn't want to end prematurely, but the wild way his man was pushing inside him will make that impossible.

"Ah, fuck John, your ass is so tight."

John released his cock to lift his body and put his hand around Kaidan's neck and pull him down. "Kiss me, babe." Kaidan did so John passed his arms around his lover's back, then they synchronized and began to move at the same rate. Kaidan had filled his ass with his dick, and every time he thrust inside, John let out an intense moan. He was too close, but he could prolong that moment as much as he could until his man hit that spot in his prostate that made him come without touching himself. "Kaidan, I am going to cum!"

Kaidan sped up and let out a groan as he spilled inside John, but he didn't stop; he continued to move slowly, prolonging their orgasms then, a few seconds later, he stood still. "It was always like this?" Kaidan asked as he nibbled his man's lips.

"Uhm ... yeah, always. Shall we take a shower together, babe?"

Yes, but give me a few seconds. I like the taste of your lips. God John, I now understand why you are like that with me, we have so much chemistry."

"You have no idea," he said before kissing his lover deeply.

In the bathroom, John took his time with Kaidan. They enjoyed that shower as much as what they did in bed. They then returned to their quarters. "Hey, do you want a beer?"

"Are you finally going to let me drink some alcohol?" Kaidan asked, and his man nodded. "yes, I want one, but don't delay, I want to spend the rest of the afternoon here with you if we can."

"I have nothing more to do than be with you." John then put on shorts and a T-shirt, then left to go to the mess; he met Miranda and Jacob there; they were chatting at one of the tables. "Hey, what's up?" John asked as he walked to the fridge.

"Damnit Shepard, next time keep him down, not everyone is as lucky as you are, some of us are hungry," Jacob said as he looked at Miranda.

Miranda blushed. "We listen to everything, so we came here to cool off with a beer."

"Oh well, I'm sorry ... it was the first time with did it after...you...know, I ... I have to go," he quickly said and heard them laugh behind him as he walked out the door with a six-pack. When he returned to his quarters, his lover was still lying in bed; his hair looked wet and messy. "God, you look beautiful, love."

Kaidan chuckled and grabbed the beer bottle when John handed it to him already opened. His man took off his shorts and shirt and entered the bed with him. "Uhm, this tastes delicious but not as delicious as your cock."

"Damnit, babe, don't start talking dirty, you're going to turn me on again. Are you ready to meet your parents?" John settled next to Kaidan and grabbed his lover's left hand then clasped together."

"Yes, I would like them to know that I am alive so that their suffering ends. Tell me, John, how is my mother?"

"Eva is a beautiful woman in every way. After your death, I spend a weekend with them, and she treated me like I was her son. Your father Robert got a little angry when he found out we broke regs, but his anger didn't last long, and we learned to get along." That weekend, John spends with Kaidan's parents did his soul a lot of good. He remembers Eva with affection, and he wants to see her again, just like he wants to see his mother.

"I want to meet your mother too."

John was glad to hear that since he wants his mother and boyfriend to learn to know each other and get along. "Me too, and she will be there. I spoke with mom yesterday, and I told her about your recovery, so I asked her to be there. Luckily my mother is short leave, and she will be there with us." John turned his head and placed a short kiss on his lover's lips. "I love you, Kay, I love you so much," he spoke, and his voice broke.

"John, don't get sad please, I can't stand when your beautiful blue eyes tear up like that. I'm back, and I love you too."

Kaidan took another sip of his beer, then put it on the floor next to the bed. He sat on top of his man's lap; he then grabbed his man's right cheek and started stroking it. "You have been my rock in the last two weeks, you have given me so much affection, so I don't care if I don't remember again, you are all that I need right now." He tilted his head down and captured a tear with his mouth. "I don't care what I've heard from your past; you are an angel, my angel, my love."

John placed the bottle down, then settle his arms around Kaidan's body, and cried on his shoulder for a while. He cried with emotion; the last two years have been tough for him. When he calmed down, he pulled his head back, and, with tears still in his eyes, he looked at Kaidan. "You need to promise me you will never disobey an order I give you because when I do, it's for your safety. You have to understand that you and my mother are the most important people in my life, and for my peace of mind, I need to know that you two are safe."

"Okay, I promise, but I'll also watch your back because I don't want anything to happen to you either." The only thing Kaidan wants is to see that man who sacrificed everything for him to be happy.

"I'll hold you to that. I want to be with you the rest of my life Kaidan Alenko; you are my beginning and my end," he spoke before losing himself in a loving kiss.

They made love again and then fell asleep, but before John closes his eyes, he was able to watch his man while he slept for a little while. Kaidan's scars were still visible, but for some reason, John likes to see them because it made his lover look sexy. John sighed and kissed his man's forehead. "I will love you until the end of time, love," After saying that, John closed his eyes and settled his arms around Kaidan's back, who had fallen asleep with his head resting on his chest as he used to do before and fell asleep.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My other fiction with Shepard's clone I am rewritten within it. Shepard was not the one who died, but I will bring the clone differently. I will write the beginning of ME2 in the next chapter this one is about them and kaidan’s parents.

Who can sleep with that sort of noise? Jacob thought. Shepard and Kaidan have been enjoying themselves for hours. He let out a long breath before getting out of bed. Jacob grabbed his shirt that was hung on the back of a chair to put it on. He is a straight man, but the men's moans have turned him on. It has been a while since the last time he was with someone; therefore, it is a misunderstanding to say that right now, he feels horny.

Jacob passed by Miranda's quarters and stopped in front of it, for a few seconds, he thought about knocking on the door, but he didn't and kept going. He entered the mess hall and walked toward the fridge to get a beer because he needs something cold to cool his body. Jacob took a seat at one of the tables to enjoy his beer since returning to his bedroom is now impossible right now. He is not mad at the partner for not being discreet. For two years, he saw the man suffer; one night, he saw him burst into tears. Jacob sympathizes with the Commander since they have something in common, their frustration with the Alliance.

Jacob is a former Marine who worked for the Alliance once before joining Cerberus. He remembers hanging out at an undamaged bar in Citadel after de Geth attacked the station, he was drowning his sorrows, when Miranda joined him. Jacob was working on Eden Prime when de Geth attacked and nearly destroyed the colony. Jacob became disillusioned with the ineffective bureaucracy of politicians and resigned from the Alliance after five years of service. He trusted Miranda and told her what was bothering him.

The Alliance blocked the recent attacks of the Geth, and even Normandy's disappearance got downplayed. She reminded him of his past jobs, and they toasted, she finally told him why she was looking for him. Miranda wanted him to work for Cerberus, but Jacob had misgivings with a shady pro-human group. Miranda told Jacob that he could make a difference. She offered him a chance to see for himself how they operated, which made him reconsider his position.

Accepting to work for Cerberus meant leaving the Alliance. Still, Miranda explained why Cerberus wanted him; they were going to bringing LT. Kaidan Alenko back. The Lieutenant was an essential person to Commander Shepard, the only person who could save humanity. Cerberus knew that Shepard would not hesitate to join them when they offered to bring the person he loved back. The whole situation was confusing, but even though Jacob still had doubts, he followed her out of the bar to join her.

For two years, Jacob has been responsible for the security of the Lazarus Research Station. In the past, Miranda and he had a relationship that didn't work, and he realized that he was not the type of man for her. The thing is that, during all this time, his heart has softened again for the woman. Seeing Miranda slowly fall in love with a man who could never love her reopened old wounds, and he realized he still had feelings for her.

Unlike Kaidan, Jacob is not jealous of the Commander; on the contrary, he admires him. Shepard left everything to take care of Kaidan. During that time, there were occasions where he saw the man exhausted due to lack of sleep, but if they needed his help on a mission, he never refused to help. There is no doubt that Shepard adores Kaidan; therefore, he always knew that Miranda had no chance with him.

Everyone sees Miranda as a hard and cold woman, but Jacob knows who she really is. The woman has her moments of weakness; she is as human as anyone else. Cerberus helped Miranda when she needed them, and that is why she is so loyal to that organization. After two years working for Cerberus, he no longer sees them with the same eyes. However, sometimes Jacob doesn't agree with some things Cerberus does, but he thinks he is nobody to raise his opinion. Miranda is the only person who gives him answers when he has any doubts; she is always there for him.

During the time they worked together to protect the Council against terrorist attacks, Jacob realized that Miranda was a good woman. She helped him, free slaves, from the hands of Batarians when they were trying to recover Kaidan's body. He recalls a woman telling him that Miranda was a nice person, but he quickly corrected her. Just because Miranda doesn't show her gentle side all the time doesn't mean she isn't kind. Jacob has a lot of admiration for the woman who knows a lot about his life. She knows about his father and how, until now, he wonders what happened to his ship and his crew.

"Can't you sleep either?"

Jacob jumped when he heard Miranda's voice since he had not noticed when Miranda entered the mess hall. "Who can sleep with those two men moaning like that?" Jacob asked and then chuckled. He noticed that Miranda is wearing a nightgown that highlights the curves of her body. She looked so beautiful that it took his breath away.

Miranda walked to the table and took a seat next to Jacob, who immediately got up to go to the fridge and bring him a beer. "I never imagined that the human being could be so ... I don't know ... the two men have been going at it since yesterday afternoon."

"Well, Shepard spent two years in solitude, so I imagine that man is full of energy. Do you remember a few months ago when I convinced the Commander to go out with me?"

"Yes, I do."

"Well, we went to a bar, and we bump into a guy who recognized the Commander. The man attempted an approach with Shepard, but he quickly rejected him. Shepard had the opportunity to satisfy that need that we all have to be with someone, but he did not." Jacob will never forget that day, Shepard opened with him and shared memories of moments he lived with Kaidan, and how the lieutenant changed his life.

Miranda's eyes turned sad. "The Commander is faithful to Kaidan, and I realized that a long time ago."

"Men like Shepard are rare," Jacob said then paused to take a sip of his beer. "You look beautiful in that robe."

Miranda smiled, and then she took a sip of her beer too. "Thank you. I was already asleep when the noises woke me up, and I thought everyone else was asleep, so I didn't change my clothes."

"Well, I'm glad you didn't," Jacob confessed. He has never seen Miranda dressed in nightwear; she always was wearing her uniform. It wasn't just the robe that highlights her beauty. Miranda's hair was tied back in a ponytail, and she looked cute like that.

"Thanks for the compliment. You know the other night I was thinking about the conversation with had about your father."

Jacob expressed change when he thought that he had also been thinking about his father, Ronald Tylor. "I try not to think about the man. It's been ten years, if the man were alive, he would have already sent a distress beacon, but he never did."

"Wouldn't you like to find you, dad?"

Jacob had already thought about asking Cerberus to help him locate his father's ship, but he doesn't like to ask for favors. "Maybe, but for now, we have more important things to worry about. When the Commander and Lieutenant return, we have to focus on the disappearance of the colonies."

"Yes, you are right," Miranda replied, but she is determined to help Jacob even though he has not asked for help. For a moment, they stared at each other. "Do you think it's safe to go back to our quarters?"

Jacob laughed. "I hope so, but we can stay for a bit longer to talk; it's early either way. Tell me about yourself. Have you had any information about the well-being of your sister Oriana?"

"So far, she's safe, and thanks for asking."

"You're welcome, Miranda, I already told you that you are important to me." Jacob grabbed Miranda's hand, and he was surprised that she allowed him to hold it. They had a pleasant conversation, and when they got back to their quarters, everything was in silence.

Miranda chuckled. "Apparently, the lovers fell asleep."

"I think so," Jacob said and then kissed Miranda's cheek. "Good night Miranda, sleep well," he spoke and then stared at her. The smile he saw on Miranda's face gave him hope that one day they could escalate their friendship to a more serious relationship.

"You too, Jacob."

* * *

_Kaidan was in his quarters trying to fill out a report that he should have submitted two days ago, but luckily his boss is his boyfriend. After Kaidan started a relationship with his Commander, they share their free time in his cabin. They talk and occasionally lie down together and kiss themself passionately, but it is the only thing they have done. They want to get to know each other better before moving to a more intimate level in their relationship. Kaidan feels happy. He never imagined that his Commander was so fond of him. John is nothing more than incredible, so he loves spending time with him._

_Kaidan has no doubt that his Commander wants him since he has felt the man erection when he is on top of kissing him, but they are military and have learned to bear that kind of need. Although sex isn't that important to him, he can't deny that he gets turned on when John kisses him with the passion that he does. For Kaidan, the attention John gives him when he is talking about his monotonous life is more valuable. John, not only listening, he expresses his opinion, which he values_ ___a lot._

_Kaidan ran his hand over his head and tried to push John out of his thoughts to focus on his work, but it was almost impossible. It is the first time that he has felt so attracted to a person, and it is overwhelming. What he felt for Rahna was platonic; this feeling is real. Until now, he only felt special when he was around his parents because they spoiled him since he is an only child, but John also made him feel special._

_Kaidan finally focused on the report when his Commander entered his quarters. "Hey, Commander," Kaidan said. He was happy to see him._

_John stood in the doorway and crossed his arms around his chest as he gave his lieutenant a warm gaze. "Alenko ..."_

_Kaidan smiled and put the datapad aside. "Yes, Commander?"_

_"Meet me at the exit gate in fifteen minutes please, we are going down to the citadel."_

_Kaidan finds it strange that the Commander wants to go down to the Citadel when they were there two hours ago since John had to do some errands and see some people. "Sure, Commander, I will meet you there."_

_John turned around to leave but stopped and bent his head to the right to address his boyfriend. "One thing, no armor, and wear something nice."_

_Kaidan opened his mouth to speak, but his Commander had already disappeared through the door. He jumped out of his bed and headed for his wardrobe. "Put on something nice," Kaidan repeated John's words out loud. He doesn't know what he could wear that would make him look nice, and he also wondered where the Commander is going to take him._

_"Hey Lieutenant, what are you doing?" Ashley asked Kaidan when she entered the room._

_"Hey, did Shepard tell you we are going down to the Citadel?" Kaidan saw a strange smile appear on Ashley's face. "Oh, I see, Shepard and I are going alone." Ashley's smile grew big, and then he understood, they both think alike._

_"What are you going to wear?"_

_"I don't know, he asked me to wear something nice, but I don't have anything like that." Kaidan saw Ashley move towards him and started looking through his clothes and grabbed a black shirt and a pair of jeans that Kaidan had forgotten he brought with him when he boarded the Normandy_

_"I'm sure you're going to look far more handsome than you already are in those clothes. I will leave you alone so you can get dressed but I will tell you something before I leave. You're lucky to have a man like the Commander crazy about you."_

_Kaidan chuckled. "The man is not crazy about me; he just likes me."_

_Ashley smiled at her friend. "You are very modest. You know that Shepard does not like to express his feelings with anyone but you, but a while ago, he found me to ask me for advice. What he said about you sounded so sweet. I did not know that Shepard has that kind of heart. "_

_Kaidan remained silent for a few seconds, that comment caught him by surprise. Ashley is right; John is not a man who expresses his feeling with his crew. "What did he ask you?"_

_"He told me that you are always worried about him. That you always make sure that he eats. Shepard confessed that he has been having nightmares since he touched that Beacon and that you have been taking care of him at night."_

_Kaidan's gaze turned sad as he remembered how John woke up sweaty and screaming with nightmares almost every night. "Yes, it's hard to see him like that."_

_"You worry about Shepard a lot, and he knows it; therefore, he wants to do something nice for you, but the Commander didn't know what to do. I told Shepard that what he could do to please you, but I'm not going to tell you."_

_"But why?"_

_"Don't be impatient, you'll see. Enjoy your night. We have to go to Virmire tomorrow, and I am sure we are going to have a stressful mission, so have fun with our Commander."_

_Kaidan nodded, and when he was alone, he quickly changed clothes then spread some lotion on his body. John likes it when he brushes his hair sideways, so he arranges it to the left. A few minutes later, he found John at the gate and gasped at how handsome the man looked. Kaidan has always seen his Commander dressed in his blue uniform. For this occasion, John was wearing black pants, a white shirt and a black jacket over it, he looks very elegant and sexy._

_John looked at his boyfriend from head to toe, and he was impressed. "Kaidan, you look beautiful. Are you ready?"_

_"You look handsome too, Commander, and yes, I'm ready. Where are we going?"_

_"Do you remember Rita, who works at flux?"_

_"Yes, we help her sister Jenna."_

_John grabbed Kaidan's hand. "I contacted Rita and asked her for a favor. We have a reservation at Flux. You are always taking care of me, and I want us to go out so you can have some fun. it's my way of thanking you for everything you do for me. "_

_"John, you didn't have-" Kaidan stopped when John grasped his chin with his fingers._

_"It is the first time I have a boyfriend, and I want to please him because he is always looking after me. I'm not going to deny you that lately I've been feeling very stressed. I hardly slept after I touched that Beacon."_

_"Because of me."_

_"Don't say that. As I told you, the nightmares wouldn't let me sleep, but since you are staying with me even though nothing has happened between us yet, I sleep more peacefully with your arms around me. So, let me please you, let me have this night with you."_

_Kaidan smiled. "Okay, John, we'll have that night," Kaidan said, then they left the Normandy. John grabbed his hand, but he released it when they got out of the elevator a few minutes later. He doesn't want to create gossip since they are not supposed to date._

_"Why did you withdraw your hand?" John asked when they were waiting for the taxi. Kaidan is the only man he has dated, and he didn't like that he took his hand away because he wants to show him off._

_"You are a public figure, so I don't want someone to go to Udina or Anderson with gossip about us, that can ruin your career. I don't want you to have problems for me." Kaidan expected to see anger or disappointment in John's eyes, instead what he saw was something different. John has a squishy look; he doesn't resemble that tough man who, in combat, is ruthless._

_"It would be worth it getting in trouble for you." John retook Kaidan's hand. "I don't think anyone can recognize me without my uniform anyway."_

_How could he withdraw his hand when John looked at him that way? Kaidan thought, so he let his boyfriend have his way. "I think you're right; I hardly recognize you with those clothes."_

_Kaidan stopped thinking about what people might think of them and relaxed. They got into the taxi and sat very close to each other but didn't speak until they got to Flux. Rita was waiting for them, so they greeted her, and then she took them to their table where they ordered drinks. Usually, loud noises give Kaidan a headache, but tonight he doesn't care if, tomorrow, he wakes up with a migraine; John's smile is worth any pain._

_John retook Kaidan's right hand. "You were right when you told me that when you do something good, it makes you feel good about yourself. Just look at how Rita is smiling now; however, when we met her, she was so worried about her sister. Seeing Rita happy gives me great satisfaction." In the past, when he helped someone, he did it for convenience, to have something in return, but this time his help was genuine._

_"I am glad to hear that. You have changed a lot in the past few weeks after we decided to break regulations," Kaidan said, then rubbed his forehead._

_"Kaidan, the noise won't give you a headache?"_

_Kaidan squeezed John's hand. "Don't worry; I'll be fine." Kaidan withdrew his hand when Rita returned with the drinks._

_"Shepard again, thanks for helping my sister," Rita spoke._

_John smiled at the woman. "It was a pleasure; I hope Jenna is no longer getting into trouble."_

_"Oh no, she is working here now, but today is her night off. I leave you two to enjoy your drinks, if you need anything else, please don't hesitate to call me."_

_Kaidan was so proud of his Commander. "I am proud of you, John."_

_"Don't be, I've done too many things that I'm not proud of, but let's change the subject. I brought you here to distract your mind since you are always working."_

_Kaidan smirked. "More distraction than you, that's impossible."_

_John chuckled. "Am I a distraction?" He asked before bringing the glass to his mouth._

_Kaidan got distracted, looking at John and thought that his boyfriend is always praising him, forgetting that of the two of them, he is the hottest one. "You are quite a distraction Commander Shepard. I am behind on my reports all because I can't stay away from you, but when I am alone, it's hard for me to focus on my work because I'm always thinking about you."_

_"That is the way it should be. Sweetheart you told me that Rahna was very important to you, didn't you feel the same way about her?"_

_Kaidan took a sip of his drink before answering that question. "I thought that what I felt for her was love until I met you."_

_"Kaidan ..."_

_"You are the real thing, John; you are also more beautiful than her."_

_John laughed out loud. "You are the real thing to me too, and I do not doubt that I am more handsome than her of anyone."_

_Kaidan laughed out loud before grabbing his glass to take another sip of his drink. Kaidan thought that one of the things he loves about his Commander is his self-confidence. John is always positive and never says that he can't do something; he just finds a way to do it. They had a pleasant conversation while they drank, then they went up to the casino and played for a while._

_Time flew for Kaidan, who was now feeling a little dizzy from the amount of alcohol he had consumed, but he was happy. John invited him to the dance floor, and he hesitated to accept the invitation but then got up and followed his boyfriend. They were dancing at a safe distance from each other when John grabbed him by the waist and drew him close._

_"John ..." Kaidan started to speak, but the lust he saw in his boyfriend's eyes left him breathless. Suddenly everything disappeared around Kaidan, John lowered his hand towards his lower back and closed any distance between their bodies. Kaidan's cock got hard when he felt John boner._

_Until now, John has been able to control himself, but tonight he wants to be with Kaidan; therefore, he lowered his lips to his sentinel's ear. "Bunk naked with me tonight, Kaidan." John felt Kaidan's body shudder in his arms after he finished talking. "I guess that's my answer." John squeezed their bodies closer; he was trembling with pleasure. He was horny; there is no doubt about that, but it is the man he has in his arms that makes him tremble like that. John moved his lips to Kaidan's mouth, and before kissing him, they looked at each other for a moment._

_When John kissed him, he didn't hesitate to correspond. His Commander had kissed him so many times, but he had never done it with the passion that he is doing right now. All sense of causation went out of the window; he didn't care anymore; the only thing he wants to do is be with John. "John let's go I want ..." He did not finish that sentence when John pulled away, grabbed his hand, and started walking out of the club since John had already paid the tab._

_They were able to keep their distance as they walked and inside the taxi, but that lasted until they entered the elevator. John caught him against the wall and crushed his lips together. For the first time, John clutched his buttocks, making him moan aloud. John was savagely kissing him, so his body was trembling with pleasure. He was hot, horny, and desperate to be naked in his man's arms._

_"I want to be with you, Commander Shepard. I ...I want you to fuck me. I can't wait any longer. I need you." Kaidan murmured, and his boyfriend's response was a bite on his lips that made him gasp._

_John pulled his lips away but moved his hip provocatively against Kaidan's crotches. "You're going to have me, Lieutenant, all damn night if you can keep up with me."_

_Kaidan chuckled. "You are challenging me, Commander?"_

_"Damn right, I am. I've never been with abiotic. "_

_Kaidan grinned. "Neither do I with an infiltrator."_

_"Will you use your powers?" John asked, then he saw Kaidan’s body light up. "Oh, fuck you look so sexy, you're going to blow my senses."_

_Kaidan grunted in frustration when the elevator stopped. "John, we can't get into the ship like that," Kaidan spoke, pointing to the bulge in his pants and saw John's eyes follow the flow of his fingers, and run his tongue over his lips. "Commander, you are not helping with the problem."_

_John looked up. "Oh, sorry. You're right; we need to wait a few minutes ... away from each other."_

_A few minutes later, they were in front of John's cabin. His boyfriend grabbed his hand. "Kaidan, you still have time to say no, I would understand if you want to wait longer. Although I will have to finish myself since my body will not cool down with a cold shower, I am too turned on for that," he admitted. Still, Kaidan just smiled and put his hand on John's chest then pushed him into his cabin. "After you challenged me, there's no chance in hell that you and wouldn't bunk naked tonight."_

_John put his hands on Kadian's waist. "All night?"_

_"Fuck yes," Kaidan spoke before crushing their mouths together._

_,,,_

"God, big place," Kaidan said when they stopped to look at the view while they were waiting in the Citadel dock area for their flight to Earth and from there to Vancouver.

John put his hand on the railing and smiled. "That's what you said the first time we came here with Ashley."

Kaidan saw John's smile disappear. "Ashley, does she mean something to you?"

John turns his face to look at Kaidan. Sometimes he forgets that his boyfriend has no recollection of what they had to go through when they were chasing Saren. "She was a good friend, and she gave her life for us. In Virmire, it was her or you, and without hesitation, I chose you. Although I miss Ash, I don't regret that decision."

Kaidan took a step toward John, who was leaning on the balcony, looking straight ahead with his hands clasped. He placed his right arm around John's shoulders and drew him towards him; then, the two looked at each other. John looked worried, and he doesn't know why. "Love, you were thrilled this morning, but after you spoke to the Illusive man this morning, something changed. Are you okay?" Then Kaidan saw John's eyes teared up. "John, what's wrong?" His voice sounded urgent, seeing John like that worried him.

"The last time you called me, love, was a few hours before you died. I ..." John rubbed his eyes. "You never hugged me like that in public either; you are doing things you never did before. I miss your memories, but I love this new one." John then put a smile for his man. "I'm sorry, I didn't use to be so sentimental, but ..." Kaidan put a finger to his lips and then replaced it with his lips, so the two shared a sweet kiss. John couldn't bear the urge to embrace his man, so he did.

"John..."

"Promise me that when you get your memories back, you will not change. I know we are soldiers, and we have to be tough, but when it is just you and me, Kaidan, I am just a man madly in love with you."

"I promise." Kaidan held John in his arms for a bit longer and didn't care about the curious gaze of the people around them. "Tell me what's wrong?"

John pulled away from his lover. "A lot of things are happening. The Illusive man told me that he found the planet where the Normandy crashed, and we can explore it when we return, but I don't know if I can do that. He also told me that the Normandy is ready and that he contacted my former pilot Joker, who is willing to join us."

Kaidan didn't see anything wrong with that, but from John's expression, he noticed that the man has a different opinion. "What's wrong with that?"

John stepped back. "How can you ask me that question? Because of Joker, you died; that's what is wrong with that. How can I work with Joker again when you died because he disobeyed my order?"

Now Kaidan understood why John has been so thoughtful. There is no doubt that even though he is alive, John can't overcome what happened to him two years ago. "You told me that I disobeyed you, and I'm sharing the bed with you again."

"Don't compare; it's not the same."

Kaidan sighed and grabbed John's hands. "John, don't let our history get in the way of your work. For what you told me, Joker is an excellent pilot, and you need the best for your mission. You told me what is going on with the colonies. We need to get to the bottom of those disappearances, so be a Commander and put your feelings aside."

John frowned upon hearing that. He was the kind of person who spoke that way, not his sweet Kaidan. "Jesus, Kaidan, that was so cold."

"I am not trying to be cold, but it hurts me to see that you're still hurting." Kaidan pressed John's hands tightly. "John, I'm here, somehow Cerberus brought me back, so please, I don't want to see hurt in your eyes anymore love." Kaidan thought that after what happened between them last night, John was going to be happy, and he wasn't going to see his sad expression anymore, but he was wrong.

John put on a smile for his man and touched his cheek. "Okay, I'll leave my feelings behind. Do you want something to drink before we board?"

"No, I just want you to relax." Kaidan now took a few steps back. "Listen, John, I am worried. My parents will want me to accept them, to treat them with affection, but I don't remember them, I am afraid to add to their pain."

"Hey, they are your parents you need to try to be nice to them." John didn't like hearing that; he can understand that at first, Kaidan will feel strange around his parents, but he needs to try. John doesn't like negativity; he wants his man to be positive.

"I know, and I will, but I don't remember them, so it will be challenging to express feelings that I don't have right now."

John crossed his arms over his chest and gave his man an intense look before speaking. "Okay, I bite, but you didn't remember me, and you didn't push me away quite the opposite what happened last night was fantastic." John grabbed his lover's hands. "Listen, love, you adore your parents, you used to talk about your mother all the time, and you did it with affection. Don't worry; it will come to you."

Kaidan understood what John meant by those last words. "Thanks, I needed to hear that."

John uncrossed his arms and grabbed his lover's cheek. "You are a very loving being; I am fully sure that you will know how to give respect and love that your parents deserve even if you don't remember them."

Kaidan chuckled. "That's what you think of me?"

"Yes, love, and I admire your ability to love other people. I will never be like you, but I learned a lot from you."

"Well, I love how you are."

"Thanks, babe."

A while later, they were on their way to Vancouver. John's head was resting on his shoulder, and they have their hands together. John has his eyes closed, and his breathing was calm. Kaidan then thought back to last night, the way John told him countless times that he loved him. His lover looks so sweet that it is hard for him to imagine him in combat. Kaidan is dying to see his lover in action, which he undoubtedly has witnessed too many times. Still, since he doesn't remember, it doesn't count.

John opened his eyes. "I'm tired."

Kaidan chuckled. "Of course, you are, we hardly sleep." Kaidan moved his head to the side and sought his lover's lips to give him a short kiss. "Sleep awhile."

"Okay, but Kaidan, you did make me immensely happy last night."

"You did too."

When they got to Vancouver, it was already night. They were both tired and hungry, so they decided to spend the night in a hotel where they could sleep and regain strength. The next morning, they got up early and went to his parents' house. "It's freezing," Kaidan protested and wrapped his arms around John's waist.

John laughed. "Some things never change. You never liked cold weather. Kay, my love waits here, I have to prepare your parents."

Kaidan nodded. "Do not delay." He followed his man until he was out of sight. He grabbed the suitcases and stood in one corner of the house. He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned his back against the wall, then thought of his parents.

A few minutes later, Kaidan saw a woman leave the house. From her physical resemblance to his boyfriend, he knew that she is Hannah Shepard. "You have to be John's mother. It is nice to meet you finally."

Hannah stared at the man for a moment, and now she understood why his son is crazy about Kaidan if he is very handsome and polite. "John always told me that you are smart, and yes, I'm John's mom. Can I give a hug to the man who made my son settle?" Kaidan nodded, so she hugged him tightly for a moment. "We didn't have a chance to meet before the Normandy got attacked, but my son, who, by the way, adores you told me a lot about you."

"John has told me a lot about you too."

"So, my son is explaining to your parents how you are alive. I must admit you are a miracle, Kaidan. When I spoke to John, he told me that you lost your memory." Kaidan nodded. "I imagine how my son feels he loves you a lot, and the fact that you don't remember him has to be killing him."

"And I love him." Kaidan immediately noticed the shock on Hannah's face. "I don't need my memory to know that I love your son; only a heartless person wouldn't love John. He put his life on hold for two years for me."

"I know."

"Since I woke up, he has done nothing but to take care of me. At first, I couldn't stand alone, and John did everything for me even help me used the bathroom, and that's ..." Kaidan shook his head. "Your son is wonderful."

Kaidan sighed and looked up at the sky for a moment. "John is still suffering, Hannah."

Hannah grabbed Kaidan's hands. "Of course, he still does. My son appears to be strong, but he got a lot of guilt about what happened to you. Two months after your death, I saw my son in a way that I had never seen him before. Even when my husband died, I didn't see my son so broken. " Hannah's eyes filled with tears. "Kaidan God has given you two a second chance, make him happy, and take care of yourself, John couldn't bear if something happened to you again."

"I will do that, I promise."

"I know you will. Let's go inside, John asked me to come to get you, but get ready your parents are confused."

"That is understandable." Kaidan grabbed the suitcases and followed Hannah. When they entered the house, he saw a woman who must be his mother for the way she was crying uncontrollably. He didn't know what to do or say, so he stood still.

John approached Kaidan, who looked scared and grabbed his hand. "Kay, they are your parents, Eva and Robert Alenko."

Eva approached her son and threw herself on his arm. "Oh, Kaidan, my son, I thought I had lost you forever."

Kaidan stood still with his arms down until he saw the plea in John's eyes, then hugged his mother and let her cry on his shoulder for a moment. "Mrs. Eva, please calm down."

"She is your mother, Kaidan don't call her by name." Robert snapped.

John quickly looked at the man. "Robert, Kaidan doesn't remember you two, he needs time," John quickly spoke up to defend his man who seemed very scared.

Robert glared at John. "But that doesn't seem to apply to you Shepard, from what I can see, my son didn't have a problem accepting you!"

"Robert-" John started.

"How could you hide something like this from us? Kaidan is our son; we had every right to know that he was alive!"

Kaidan quickly pulled away from his mother to look at his father. "Hey, don't talk to John like that. He spent the last two years of his life taking care of me! I was clinically dead. I just woke up a few weeks ago with no memory, so I don't remember either of you two, but here we are doing the right thing. John was worried about you guys, it's not fair that you talk to him like that, so apologies if you don't want me to leave!" Kaidan snapped at his father. He isn't going to allow anyone, not even his parents, to speak to John like that. Kaidan is not unreasonable; he understands what his parents are going through right now, but that is no reason to take it with John.

Robert looked at John again. "What did you do to my son? Kaidan had never raised his voice to me. Who is this man?"

John sighed. "Robert, you and Eva were very hurt, and I didn't know if what Cerberus had promised me was going to work, that is why I didn't say anything to you two. I didn't want to bring false hope and later break your hearts again."

"Cerberus?" Robert spoke. "What do those terrorists have to do with my son?"

"Terrorists ..." Kaidan looked at John. "What is my father talking about?"

John looked at his mother, who was quietly listening to them. His mother smiled at him, and that gave him the courage he needed to speak. "Kaidan, Cerberus has done things that are not well regarded by the Alliance. You and I fought against them once, but ..." He looked at Robert, "... they contacted me because they knew what your son meant for me. Cerberus offered me to rebuild Kaidan's body, which they had in their possession, so yeah, I didn't hesitate to accept."

Eva walked to her son and touched his face. "Now, I understand your scars." She looked at her husband. "I don't care who Cerberus is; they brought our son back, so drop your attitude with John right now!"

"Eve!"

"Kaidan is here Robert, our son is back, and he is the only thing that has to matter to us." Eva looked at John and smiled at him. "Thank you for bringing my son back and putting your life on hold for him."

John smiled at the woman. "Eva you have nothing to thank me for, I did it for love. I'll only ask you to be patient with Kaidan, he will remember, but he will need time."

Kaidan grabbed her mother's hand. "Mom, thanks, John has been there the whole time, and he has told me a lot about you two. Don't hold a grudge against him for not coming sooner."

"Don't worry, son. Let's sit down so we can talk. You two have already eaten?" Kaidan shook his head. "I'm going to the kitchen to make something the eat. Kay, I'll make you your favorite breakfast." She looked at her husband. "Robert, come with me."

"But-"

Eva glared at her husband. "I'm not asking you."

Kaidan waited for the couple to disappear into the kitchen. "Well, I don't need my memories to know who's the boss in the house."

Hannah approached Kaidan. "Thank you for standing up for my son, and what your father said about Cerberus is true, and I don't judge John for accepting their help, but with that being said, I don't trust them."

"Mom, can you go help Kaidan's parents, please."

His mother understood the message and got up. Immediately John was left alone with Kaidan; he grabbed his hands. "Kay please don't-"

Kaidan interrupted John with a short, loving kiss. "I would have done the same for you, but don't hide anything from me anymore, and let's take your mother's advice. Cerberus brought me back, but because of that, we're not going to start doing illegal things for them."

"And here it is, my old Kaidan back. Thank you for understanding me. Kay, but you need to know that I would have given my life for you."

"And I imagine that my love for you was so big that I didn't mind dying knowing that you were safe."

When their parents returned, they ate breakfast and tasted delicious. Kaidan saw his father grab some dishes and walk towards the kitchen, so he followed him. "Dad, can we talk?"

"You are not calling me, Robert?" Robert sigh. "John shouldn't have hidden what was going on with you from me."

"Dad, John already explained to you why he did it, his intentions were good, please understand. I'm here, and I want to get along with you."

"And that makes me happy but try to understand me. We spent two years thinking that you were gone."

"I know that you and mom have suffered a lot, and I come to ease that pain, but you two have to know that I am going to return with John since we have a mission to fulfill. "

Kaidan proceeded to explain what is happening to the colonies and how John told him that the Alliance is doing nothing about it. For a few minutes, the two discussed that matter. Kaidan understands his father's anger, as he also understands why he and his mother would like to have him around. The thing is, just as his parents need him, so does John, and he can't leave him alone. Also, he is a soldier in his blood to fight for his galaxy, and save the colonists is a good cause.

"Okay, but keep in constant communication with us, Kaidan."

"I will do it."

"Can I hug my son?"

Kaidan smiled. "Of course, you can, and please don't doubt my love for you two because I know it's in my heart," Kaidan said, then allowed his father to embrace him, and that made him feel so good.."

* * *

John looked at Kaidan and smiled, he was happy to see him laughing with his parents, but he was worried because he has been drinking a lot today. He saw Robert return with more beer, but when he was going to give the bottle to Kaidan, he put his hand in the front. "I don't want him to keep drinking anymore."

"Can't my son make decisions for himself anymore?"

John ignored that question, and the tone with Robert spoke to him because he understood his anger. "Kaidan scars are still healing, and I don't want him to drink too much because he's still in treatment."

"Dad, John is right. Miranda had to inject fluids into my body to rebuild it, and I still feel a little strange."

"It seems that you believe in Shepard more than us and that he is more important to you than us too."

"Don't say that Robert," John quickly said, the man is making him mad. He has spent the entire afternoon harassing him with his two-way remarks. He understands that Robert would have liked to be with his son as he slowly came back to life, but John simply spared him the pain of seeing his son's body the way it was.

"Dad stops harassing John, or we're going to leave."

Robert got thoughtful. He wants to understand why Shepard concealed from his wife and him that Kaidan's body was being rebuilt. Still, it was two years without his son that he would never recover. "I just ... we should have been there for you, Kaidan; he stole that from us."

John could no longer remain silent and got up, then faced Robert. "Enough!" He yelled. "Believe me when I tell you that you really wouldn't have liked to see your son's body the way I saw it for months. Kaidan was nothing more than flesh and blood. I have seen many things during my service in the Alliance; still, there were days that I couldn't bear seeing him like that."

John's hands were shaking with anger because Robert doesn't seem to understand what he's been through these past two years. He didn't try to be selfish; he just tried to be cautious not to cause Kaidan's parents any more pain. His old self wouldn't have given a damn about Kaidan's parents' feelings, but that's not the man he is now. John is now another type of person. John can't deny that in combat, he is still fierce and relentless, but as he told Kaidan yesterday, out of action, he is like any human being.

"I really think that our son should stay with us to finish recovering."

John panicked and looked at Kaidan. "Is that what you want?"

"No!" Kaidan looked at his father. "Dad, mom, I understand what you two are feeling, but I'm not going to abandon John, he needs me, I need him."

Eva looked at John. "Are you going to take care of him?"

"With my life," John quickly replied.

"You are going to take of our son the way you did two years ago, Shepard when he died to protect you?" Robert asked.

John bit his lip and clenched his fists and thought that if he didn't leave right now, he's going to say something that he's going to regret later. "I need some air," he spoke and quickly walked away from the group and headed for the door. He didn't realize that his mother had followed him until he was outside, and she touched his right shoulder. John turned around, looked at his mom through his teary eyes, and then hug her. "I've missed you, mom."

"Me too. Listen, son Robert has no right to speak to you the way he did."

John pulled away. "I understand, Robert, I do, but it's not fair that he doesn't try to understand me." John walked away and looked up at the sky, then took a deep breath. "Kaidan was not alive; he was not breathing; he was just a corpse. When I first saw him, I almost got sick, imagine what they would have felt if they had seen their son's body in that state of decomposition."

"Oh, John."

"When Kaidan started breathing, I also started breathing, and there were several times when he woke up screaming in pain and ..." His voice cracked, so he had to take several deep breaths to control himself. "I don't know how I could handle it."

"Your love for Kaidan gave you strength. I can see the way you look at him, John, you adore him, that's why you gave two years of your life to take care of him. The thing is, I can see that you are still suffering, and Kaidan has also seen it because he told me. He is worried about you too."

John smiled, only his mother and Kaidan could see through him. "How do you want me to feel, mom? Kaidan does not remember; he lost his memory because of me."

"But Kaidan is alive John, so tries to start a new life with him forget the past."

If it were so easy to erase the last two years of his life, he would have done it already, John thought. "I have other concerns, mom. Colonists continue to disappear, and I need to start investigating who is behind that. The thing is, I wonder if Kaidan is ready to be in combat. I would not bear if something happened to him again."

In the last few days, Kaidan has proven that his body is healing well. John believes that with his lover's new implants and ability, he can be dominant on the battlefield. However, he can't stir up the feeling that something terrible could happen to his lover again, and that would mean his end. John endured the last two years because Miranda gave him hope, and that kept him sane and alive.

"John talks to the Alliance; they can help you."

"Come on, mom, you know they will not do anything about it. The Alliance is too bureaucratic, they do nothing without the approval of the Council, and I don't want to play politician." If it hadn't been for Kaidan who stopped him, he would have listened to Garrus and let the Council die. Yes, John has changed, but that aspect of his life will never change.

"I am concerned about your alliance with Cerberus."

"Don't be; Cerberus cares about humanity; they want to see our colonies safe."

"You know what that organization did in the past; that is why I am so worried about you."

"Mom, I am aware of the experiments they did before, but I swear to you that's part of the past. I wouldn't do anything illegal, and you know it."

John can understand his mother's doubts; after all, she still works for the Alliance, and she is very loyal to them. The thing is crucial for John that his mother believes in him and not Cerberus. Anderson sent him an email; he wants to see him. John is considering paying a visit to his ex-captain; he hasn't done it because he wanted to reunite Kaidan with his parents first.

"Son, I have to say you had changed so much that I almost don't recognize you. You didn't allow anyone to speak to you the way Kaidan's father did, and when I found you here, you were almost in tears. Who is this man in front of me?"

Those words made him smile. "You know, mom, when I was a teenager, and I saw you kissing my father, I used to roll my eyes because you two seemed so corny to me." John shook his head, then gave his mother a sweet look. "Now I' am the one who is corny because when I'm next to Kaidan, I melt. Mom, I'm scared of how I feel about Kaidan, I love him in a way ..." John shook his head again.

Hannah smiled and grabbed her son's right cheek. "I used to love your father with the same intensity that you love Kaidan, and when he died, it was you who kept me alive."

"I wish dad were alive; he would have loved Kaidan."

"Wherever your father is right now, I know he is very proud of you and approves of your relationship with Kaidan."

"Do you believe that, mom?"

"Oh, I'm sure he's always watching over us."

John misses his dad a lot. "I miss him, mom."

"I know, and so do I, but you look so much like your dad that I feel like I've never lost him. I love you, son."

"I love you too, mom."

John saw Kaidan came out of the house then walked toward them. John moved his right hand sideways, and Kaidan grabbed it then he brought it to his mouth and kissed it. "Mom, I formally introduce you to the second important person in my life."

"Kaidan, what did you do to my son? He had never lost his mind for anyone before. You are my son's first serious relationship before your John never took anyone seriously; I wonder how you did it?"

Kaidan chuckled. "Well, I don't remember, but I guess I gave him something he never found in anyone else."

"You were different, you respected me but also challenged me when nobody dared to do it, and you cared about me as a human being. You changed my life, and I am happy that you did." John looked at his mother. "I was talking to mom about Cerberus. I was assuring her that they are not doing anything illegal that I have seen."

"John is speaking the truth."

Hannah still has doubts, but she trusts her son. "I trust you, John, I know you wouldn't do anything illegal. I'll talk to Anderson, but please go see him as soon as possible."

"We will, mom."

"John, if you want, we can go and spend the night in a hotel since my keep harassing you after I told him to stop or we will leave."

John wanted to leave, but he wants Kaidan to reconnect with his parents. He has already been with Kaidan, and he would return with him to the base; therefore, he can endure two days without his man. "I want you to spend this weekend with your parents, since it may be months before you can see them again. If you want, I can go to my mother's house." It is not what John wants to do, but he also wants Eva to spend time with her son because she doesn't look well. Eva looks skinnier than the last time he saw her; it is visible that the woman has suffered a lot.

"No," Kaidan spoke without hesitation.

"John, let me speak to Robert I will make him understand, but it's needless to say, the two of you can stay at my house."

When they were alone, Kaidan threw himself into his arms, so John embraced him tightly and began to stroke his back. John sought his lover's lips, and they shared an affectionate kiss. "I already missed kissing your lips," he murmured and continued kissing his lover for a little while, then Kaidan pulled away and laid his head on his right shoulder. "I'm scared. I don't want anyone to turn you against me; I couldn't bear it."

Kaidan raised his head so he could look into his lover's eyes. "No one will take me away from you or change the way I think or feel about you, John, nobody. My father is wrong, and if he doesn't stop treating you that way, he will lose me this time forever. My mother instead," Kaidan smiled, " she's so loving, it's overwhelming what I'm feeling right now. "

"What you are feeling right now is normal."

"I know. John, please don't be mad, but I have a slight headache."

John immediately became concerned. "That's why I didn't want you to keep drinking. Kaidan, your body has been through a lot. I need you not to overdo it." John kissed his lover's forehead. "You worry me a lot, and you know it."

"I know. Let's go inside; if my father keeps harassing you, we'll go."

"Okay, love."

John couldn't help but think that before he met Kaidan, the only person who could keep him up all night was his mother, now he is worried sick about his lover. Kaidan looks healthy, but he knows that sometimes not everything is as it seems. In Kaidan's last check-up, Miranda assured him that everything was fine, but John can see that there are still some things that are not good for his boyfriend, such as the stress his father is making him go through. If John could shield Kaidan from any kind of danger, he would do it in a heartbeat.

Kaidan grabbed John's hand as they entered the house; he saw his mother talking to Robert, so they took a seat on the large sofa. Kaidan's father changed his attitude after his mother spoke to him; John was able to finish enjoying the day. In the evening, the five of them dined in peace; then, his mother had to go since she needs to show up for duty tomorrow morning. John said goodbye to her with a big hug and asked her to take care of herself.

John gave Kaidan a moment alone with his mother, and he retired to his lover's bedroom, where he slept that weekend he spent in that house. John was unpacking the few clothes they had brought when Robert entered the bedroom with two beers; the man approached him and handed him one. John raised the bottle to his mouth as he studied the expression on the man's face, who now seemed calm. Somehow Kaidan's father reminds him of his dad since John Shepard was also a very skeptical man.

"John, I know that I have been very hard on you, but try to understand me. Eva and I have suffered a lot if we had known that our son was alive things would have been different."

"But he wasn't, Robert Kaidan was dead." John shook his head. "I still can't comprehend how Miranda resurrected Kaidan, and I was there the whole process. When Cerberus sent Miranda to inform me that they have Kaidan's body and that they had the resources to rebuild it, I couldn't believe it. Kaidan being here is more than a miracle."

"Yeah, it's hard to believe."

John sighed in relief because he realized he was finally getting somewhere with Kaidan's father. "And it is for that reason that I concealed from you two Cerberus's plans with Kaidan's body. I am sure that Eva could not have endured two years of what I had to go through."

John took another sip of his beer. Today has not been one of his best days, since having to remember the last two years of his life leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. When John entered the house a little while ago, the pain he saw reflected in Kaidan's parents' faces hit him like a bucket of cold water. Guilt overwhelmed him, but John can't deny that he feels relieved that his mother didn't have to go through that kind of pain, especially when she lost her husband not too long ago.

"Why didn't you inform the Alliance?"

"Because they didn't even bother trying to find Kaidan's body, they just declared him dead!" John then informed Robert about the disappearance of the colonists and how the Alliance is not doing anything about it. "Robert, your son Kaidan and my mother are all I have, please don't be mad at me, I have suffered a lot too." John's eyes are teared up. "When Kaidan died, a good part of me died with him, so I took a chance with Cerberus because they offered me my life back."

"John ..."

"I love Kaidan, Robert."

"I know, son, and I apologize for the way I've been treating you. Still, I will beg you, take care of my boy."

"I will; I assure you that nothing will happen to Kaidan this time. I will keep him safe because that will keep me safe too."

They chatted a while longer until Kaidan entered the bedroom, then Robert said goodbye and left them alone. Tomorrow they will have more opportunities to talk. John felt extremely tired since last night he hardly slept, and their trip was stressful too. "Shall we take a bath together?" John asked, but Kaidan remained silent, looking towards the bed. "Kaidan, are you okay?"

"I wonder, was I that important that my death caused so much pain to so many people? My mother looks so sad it breaks my heart, and according to her, my father's pain is what has made him so bitter. You..." Kaidan sighed, "... you're still grieving over my dead." A while ago, Kaidan's mother burst into tears when they were alone. She told him how his death changed her life, and it was difficult to hear.

John grabbed Kaidan's hands. "You were essential to our lives. You are a person who is not difficult to love, and that's why when you died in a way, I died too."

"I'm sorry," Kaidan spoke with a low tone of voice.

"You are here now, babe."

Kaidan put a smile on his face and decided to change the subject. "So, is this my bedroom?" Kaidan took a quick look at his old room, but it frustrated him not to be able to remember anything.

"Your mother kept the bedroom the same way you let it when you moved out of the house, and when you came to visit them, you stayed here. Eva used to sit with me in the bed, and once night she showed me a family photo album. You were so cute when you were a baby," John said and chuckled.

Kaidan chuckled too. "Yeah, she just showed it to me, and I can't deny that the place feels familiar." Kaidan walked to the drawer where there was a photo of him; he grabbed it. He looked younger in that portrait holder.

John walked behind Kaidan and put his arms around his lover's waist and kissed his cheek before looking at the photo. "Those few nights I slept here I fell asleep looking at that photo, you look cute in it."

"Yeah, I didn't have these scars on my face; now I look horrible," he said and put the portrait holder down.

John quickly turned his man around. "Stop talking about yourself like that."

"But-"

"But nothing!" John cut him off and kissed him before he could speak again. The kiss started slow because he just wanted to give his lover confidence, but his boyfriend wrapped his arms around his body, making him forgot how tired he feels. John deepened the kiss; his cock swelled inside his pants, then he heard a noise in the other room that made him stop.

"What's wrong?"

"We can't do it, not here, your parents are awake," he said and tried to walk away, but Kaidan abruptly grabbed him by the cheeks and drew him into a more passionate kiss than the last one. John melts when Kaidan acts like that, but when his lover started to take him to the bed, he stopped again. "Wait ..." John said before walking to the door to lock it. He then returned with his man but grabbed his hand and led him to the bathroom that was in the bedroom.

Already inside, John caught Kaidan against the cabinets, moved his hands inside his lover's shirt to tighten his waist, and then kissed him hard. He rocked his hips against Kaidan's body. "Look what you did, you got me so turned on, Kay," he muttered before biting his man's lips.

"That was the idea, or did you think last night, and this morning was enough?"

"It is never enough with you, I am always hungry for you," John admitted. John remembers that before he met Kaidan, he could go months without having sex. After the first time they had sex, two days without it, it was too much.

John broke the kiss and pulled Kaidan's shirt over his nipples; then he bent down a bit. He stuck his tongue out and ran the tip around Kaidan's right nipple; he felt his lover's body shudder. "You like that?"

"A lot."

"You always liked me to do that to you," John spoke, then nibbled lightly on the nipple. He lowered his left hand and started stroking his man's erection. "I like to feel you like this." John moved his mouth to Kaidan's ear and ran his tongue inside it; then, he started to nibble around the corners. He was enjoying the way he was making his man's body tremble. "Tell me what you want," John spoke his tone of voice was hoarse. He cupped his man boner. "Uhm ... you're so big, babe." Kaidan didn't talk; he just gasped. "Come on, love, tell me what you want me to do to you."

Kaidan couldn't speak; he could barely breathe; the way John was rubbing his cock was so hot. Kaidan thought that if John doesn't stop soon, he will spill inside his pants. "John, please ..."

The urgency in his lover's tone of voice made him move his hand even faster. Then he stopped and wrapped his fingers around the throbbing head and rubbed his thumb around the tip. Kaidan's pants started to get wet, and John felt total satisfaction with it. "Please, what babe?"

Kaidan had to take a deep breath to try to calm himself down because he felt his orgasm near. Oh, please stop."

"Why?"

"Because you are going to make me cum!"

"Then tell me what you want, babe."

"I want you to fuck me."

"Beg me," John demanded. He was so hot that his pants were getting wet too.

"Fuck me please, I beg you."

John grinned. "I'll get to that, but first, I want to eat your ass." After saying that, John wasted no time and began undressing his man. When the two of them were utterly naked, Kaidan reached toward his cock, but he stopped him and grabbed his hand to take him into the shower.

Inside the shower, they kissed until their lips reddened then John turned on the water tap and smiled when the warm water started to run down their bodies. "I like it when your hair is wet," he spoke and then groaned when their cocks brushed against each other.

"You already told me." Kaidan reached for John's cock, and when he grabbed it, he felt the head throb in his hand. "I like how big your cock is, Commander Shepard," Kaidan spoke then pushed the skin back. He looked down, the tip of his boyfriend's cock was red, and that view made him lick his lips. "I like your cock."

John closed his eyes when Kaidan started stroking him, then when he opened them and saw his boyfriend's body enlightened with his powers, he grabbed Kaidan's hand and stopped him. "No, babe, you're going to make me cum."

"That's the idea."

"Not yet, turn around." Kaidan quickly obeyed, and John knelt in the shower. The water that was pouring down his head didn't bother him; quite the opposite, he felt so hot it was refreshing. He spread his man's buttocks and began to move the tip of his tongue around his hole.

John stopped and ran the tip of his thumb around Kaidan's ass hole; his lover let out a deep groan, so he ran his tongue around the hole again before digging in. John prayed that the noise of the running water and the fact that the doors are closed are enough for Kaidan's parents not to hear their son moaning while he ate his ass, and he masturbated.

John now inserted a full finger into Kaidan's hole. He fingered his man for a bit before he introduced another one to spread it to get it ready for his dick. When his lover started to gasp hard, he stopped and got up. John grabbed his cock by its shaft and put the tip into Kaidan's opening. "Ready for me?"

"Fuck, John, do it now!"

John slowly pushed the tip up to the crown then stopped, but his man moved his left arm back, grabbed one of his cheek buttocks, and pushed him in. "Fuck, Kaidan!" John groaned when his man started to move on top of his cock. "Fuck, yes!" He put his hands on Kaidan's waist to keep up with his man movements. "Oh God, yes, babe, move like that."

"Fuck me, harder, Commander!" Kaidan demand.

John moved his hands up and grabbed Kaidan's nipples, then pinched them with his fingers as he moved wildly inside him. John pulled his cock out just to penetrate his lover's ass with more force and repeated that several times. John pulled his cock out once more time to turn his lover around; then, he lowered his hands towards Kaidan's asses to lift him. "Settle your legs around my waist, babe." John changed the position of their bodies, then catch Kaidan's body against the shower wall. John lowered his right and grabbed his cock, then thrust it into Kaidan's ass.

Kaidan settled his arms around John's back and lowered his head to seek his lips. His man started to move inside him, and his cock got trapped between their bodies. John bit his lips hard. "Ah, fuck!" Kaidan groaned with pleasure. He then pulled his lips away from John's mouth to bring it to his ear. "Don't cum inside me, I want you to do it in my mouth I want to taste your semen, I want you to paint my face with your cum."

Those words made him lose control, and he started to move even faster so he could only hold on for a few more minutes. "Babe, get off, I'm going to cum," John yelled, then he saw his man knelt in front of him, so he grabbed his cock. "Open your mouth," he said and began stoking himself frantically. "Oh, fuck, babe!" John screamed and started shooting his semen into Kaidan's face and then place the tip inside his lover's mouth so that he swallowed the last drops. John's body was shaking, and his knees buckled. Kaidan took every drop of semen then released his soft cock.

Kaidan got up and grabbed John's hand and brought it to his hard, throbbing cock. "Finish me, love."

See his lover's blushed face painted with his cum got him hard again. His strength returned to his body, so he pulled his man to a passionate kiss and grabbed their cocks to stroke them together. "Babe, you are going to make me cum again," John said when he felt his balls tighten. He heard Kaidan groaned loudly when he reached his orgasm; then he followed him as they kissed each other fiercely. After their bodies calmed down, John released their dicks and hugged his man. "Shit, I am done for the night."

"Are you sure about that?"

John chuckled. "No." They finished showering; then, they went straight to bed. A while later, they were curled up in bed; Kaidan was stroking his back while his left arm was resting on his waist. John felt so good that he never wanted to move from that spot.

"I love you, John."

John looked up and smiled. "I love to hear you say that. I love you too, and that affection makes me question myself. Am I doing the right thing separating you from your parents? They missed you, Kay. Maybe-" John stopped when Kaidan put a finger to his lips while he shakes his head.

"You also suffered a lot, and even though you were looking after me for two years, you didn't have me either. You need me as much as they need me, so let's do what we must do to save this galaxy to make sure one day we can all live together in peace. "

"Woo kay, those words are what I need right now because I'm afraid of what's coming our way."

"Whatever it is, you are not going to face it alone; I will be with you in every step you take."

John sighed. "That's why I love you the way I do, and I promise I will try to smile more for you," he said before hugging his man. John then fell asleep fast because his lover’s words gave him the peace of mind he needs right now.


	5. Chapter 5

_Kaidan couldn't believe that Ashley is dead and all because of him. He is sure that John decided to save him because of the relationship they have, especially after what happened between them last night. He feels too guilty, and he doesn't know what to do with his guilt. It is not fair that Ashley had to die; she was his friend and a magnificent soldier. The explanation his Commander gave him for having made that decision didn't convince him. John says it's Saren's fault that Ashley is dead, but he could have chosen her instead of him._

_Kaidan feels so confused; he doesn't know what to do or what to think. He fell in love with John like a fool, and until yesterday, he was happy, but now his romance with the Commander cost life, so he doesn't know what to do with that reality. Ashley has a mother and three sisters; he can only imagine what they will suffer when they find out that Ashley died. The thing is he can't help but admit that John prevented his parents from losing the only son they have._

_John entered the mess hall and found Kaidan sitting at the table. "Kaidan, can we talk?"_

_Kaidan raised his head and looked at John. Talking is something that he doesn't want to do right now; what he needs is to be alone to think. "If I may, Commander, I would like to be alone right now." He saw John frown, so he immediately knew what was going to come out of his Commander's mouth._

_John knew that Kaidan was upset by his decision, but still, he doesn't like it when he uses formalities with him. "Why the formalities now, Kay?"_

_"Why not? You are my Commander, that is the way I should address you." Kaidan knows that someone else wouldn't dare speak to John like that, but is different between them. John allows him everything, and he's taking advantage of it._

_"Cut the shit Kaidan. What's the matter with you?"_

_Kaidan got up and rested his hands on the table then glared at his lover. "How can you ask me that? You know very well what's wrong with me."_

_"Is this about Ashley?" John asked, but he didn't need an answer because he saw it at Kaidan's expressions, so he approached him. "Let's go to my cabin so we can talk."_

_"That's the last place I want to be now right now," Kaidan snapped at him, but he immediately realized that those words hurt John, he saw it in his gaze._

_"It didn't bother you to spend the night in it last night, Lieutenant, if I remember correctly you enjoyed my bed while I screwed you over it!" John saw Kaidan's face blushed. "I see you haven't forgotten."_

_"How can you talk about it now?" Kaidan shook his head and waved John with one hand. "Forget it; I want to be alone." Kaidan pushed the chair and started to walk away, but John grabbed his right arm and abruptly turned him around. "Commander, do you forget where we are?" Kaidan asked upon seeing some of the staff looking at them._

_John was angry with himself for letting Kaidan get to him, but after what happened between them last night, he is sure he fell in love for the first time. "Since you don't want to go to my cabin Lieutenant Alenko we are going to talk here!"_

_"Your staff are watching us."_

_"I don't give a damn; we're going to have this conversation here, or in my cabin Lieutenant, you decide."_

_"Damn it, John, you always get your way!" Kaidan said and started walking towards the cabin. After they were inside standing face to face, he didn't hold back. "How could you choose me instead of Ashley? She was better than me in many ways; it's me who should be dead, not her!"_

_"That's not true. Yes, Ashley was a good soldier and a human being, but so are you, and you deserved to live too." John's expression softened. He knows Kaidan is right; it was love that motivated him to make that decision._

_Kaidan took a step toward his Commander. "Okay, but you didn't choose me because I am good at my job. You saved me because of the relationship we had?"_

_John's face turned pale, and his heart began to beat faster. "What did you mean by that?"_

_Kaidan sighed and dropped his shoulders. "Shepard-"_

_"Do not call me like that!"_

_"Okay, John, how can we continue our relationship knowing that Ashley died for us?" Kaidan's eyes teared up; he doesn't want to break up with John. Last night Kaidan realized how much he loves him, but right now, he feels too guilty to think straight._

_"Sit down."_

_"But-"_

_"Sit down, and I'm giving you an order."_

_Kaidan shut his mouth and took a seat. He watched John move to the table and then fix two glasses with Brandy. The sight of his lover made him feel hot; he loves everything about that man. Last night John showed him that he is more than a soldier; his Commander is a fucking good lover. John is passionate and possessive, but he completely tamed him in bed, to the point that there were a couple of occasions when the man begged to be touch. Kaidan was getting hot just looking at him, so he looked away._

_John turned around as Kaidan looked away. "I find it funny that you want to leave me, and you can't even look at me without blushing." John saw his lieutenant look at him with his mouth open but remained silent. "I know you already. You don't have to speak to know what you're thinking." John took a seat next to his lover after handing him his drink. "You don't have to say a word I already know what you are thinking or feeling. I know what you want right now and involve the two of us nudes in that bed," John said as he pointed at the bed they shared last night, then he placed his right hand on Kaidan's left thigh._

_Kaidan looked down when John put his hand on his thigh and started stroking it. "John, please, this is not the time."_

_John moved his hand toward his man's face and cupped his chin with his fingers. "Look at me," His lover did, and he saw the hurt in his eyes through the tears. "I am not going to deny that I had personal reasons to make the decision I made. When I realized that I couldn't save both of you, I didn't have to think twice about my decision; I already knew who I was going to save. You Kaidan, the man ..." He grabbed Kaidan's right hand and took it to his heart. "... who has got deep into my heart, and Ashey knew that, that's why she told me she understood. I need you I can't do this without you, Ashely got that."_

_Kaidan felt the tears roll down his cheek after he heard the last words that came out of his boyfriend's mouth. Ashley knew that they needed each other, so she not only sacrificed herself for the sake of the mission but also for them, and that makes him feel even more guilty. "John-"_

_"Let me finish, please."_

_"Go on."_

_"I did what my heart asked me to do; I couldn't lose you. Now I want to make something clear if you and I had not been together as a couple I would have made the same decision because I admire you as a person."_

_"But John ..."_

_"Tell me something, what would you have done if you had been in my place and I in yours?" Kaidan tried to turn his face away, but he tightened his chin. "Do not avoid my question, what would you have done in my place?"_

_"That is not fair."_

_"Sometimes, life is not fair, my love, so answer me."_

_"I… I would have chosen you," Kaidan admitted. If he had been in John's place, he wouldn't have let his man die, because the truth is that his life wouldn't be the same without him._

_John smiled. "So, love, why are you so hard on me?" John asked then saw a tear fall from his lover's eyes. "Kay ..."_

_"I don't want to be, but I feel frustrated and guilty Ashley didn't have to die, John, she helped us get together, she was our friend."_

_John released Kaidan's jaw and grabbed his cheek then wiped away his tears with his thumb. "We're going to avenge her death, but she gave us a chance we can't waste it, love." His lover nodded, and John moved his face close and kissed him._

_Kaidan reciprocated because the truth is that he needed it; therefore, he corresponded with the same affection. John is right; they must avenge Ashley's death by stopping Saren. He broke the kiss and looked at his lover. "I apologize for my behavior."_

_"You don't have to, I understand you. Finish your drink because it will make you feel better."_

_Kaidan did so then saw John get up to fill the glasses. "You're right I can't look at you without blushing. God John, what have you done to me?"_

_John chuckled as he finished filling the glasses, then stood in front of Kaidan, gave him his drink, and stared at him. "You cause the same reaction in me." He sat down next to his lover again and looked at the bed. "I know this is not the time, but I have to tell you. Last night was the best night of my life." He looked at his boyfriend. "You did what no other man ever did."_

_"What?"_

_"Satisfy me completely, but it wasn't just the sex, your company, waking up next to you ..." John shook his head. "It felt perfect. This morning when I opened my eyes, and I felt your arm around my waist and your soft cock pressing against my ass, it was extraordinary. I had not dawned with a man before you were the first. "_

_Kaidan chuckled. "It was, and it was my first time for me too." Kaidan sigh finished his drink, and then he put the glass on the floor also John's then grabbed his lover's hands. "Thanks for saving my life."_

_John brought Kaidan's right hand to his lips and kissed it before looking at him with love. "Kay, you mean so much to me, and I know that Ashley approved of my decision, and wherever she is, she is looking out for us." The two shared a smile; then, his Commander settled himself on the sofa, so Kaidan snuggled next to him._

_"You know, this morning, after I left your cabin, I met Ashley in the hallway. She asked me how we spent the night, and she wanted details."_

_John laughed out loud. "Sounds like her. What did you answer, babe?"_

_"Well, I told Ash it was the best night of my life, but as much as she begged me, I didn't give her details." Kaidan took a deep breath. "Ashley had her flaws, she was tough, and she didn't like some of our allies, because she was afraid of them, but she was a good person. I'm going to miss her."_

_John kissed his boyfriend's cheek. "Me too." He got thoughtful for a moment. "You feel good?" John asked he was worried about his man since he tried so hard today. When he got to him, Kaidan had battled hard against Saren's geth._

_His Commander's concern touched Kaidan. "It's amazing how you already know me so well. I have a slight headache."_

_"Do you want to lie down for a bit before we get to the Citadel?"_

_"I would love to do that." Kaidan got up, and John followed him, then they curled up on the bed. He felt cold, so his lover covered their bodies with the blanket, then he rubbed his chest. "John ..."_

_"Yes, babe."_

_"What will happen now?"_

_"Well, I hope the council will give us the support we need to follow Saren."_

_"And what will happen after we finish with him?"_

_John smiled and looked at his man, who was looking at him with affection, and that melted his heart. "You and I are going to take a break together. I want us to spend a whole day in bed just loving each other, would you like to do that?"_

_"Definitely yes. Commander again, thanks for saving my life." Kaidan didn't wait for an answer he just kisses his lover, and then the two of them huddled in silence until they fell asleep_ _._

_,,,_

Kaidan rolled on the bed and looked at his man, who was fast asleep, his breathing was calm, and his expression serene. John seemed so beautiful asleep, so he put his hand on his cheek and stroked it gently. Kaidan didn't want to wake John up because when they returned to the base, it was already very late at night, and his lover looked tired. He thinks that his man's fatigue was more mental than physical. When Kaidan said goodbye to his parents, his mother burst into tears, and he could see how John got affected by it; he didn't want to separate him from his parents.

His mother's sad look broke his heart, but he promised her that he would take care of himself and that they would see each other again soon, Kaidan hopes to keep that promise. His dad finally stopped attacking John, so the last day they were there, the two got along well, and that made him feel happy. Kaidan fell in love with John's mother, Hannah is a wonderful woman, and he was also pleased to see John sharing time with his mother. It is remarkable the love that the two have for each other.

Kaidan saw John slowly open his eyes. "Good morning, Love." Kaidan greeted him with a quick kiss.

John smiled and wrapped his arm around his man's waist and pulled him close. "Babe, what are you doing awake?"

"I wake up, and I was contemplating you, I like to watch you sleep," Kaidan said, then hugged John tighter." I love you, Commander, I love you so much."

"Kay..." John got cut off when he heard a loud noise.

"What the hell, what was that noise?" Kaidan asked, and they quickly got out of bed and started getting dressed.

"Shepard," Miranda's voice was heard by the Comm.

"Miranda, what the hell is going on?" John asked her while putting on his pants.

"Shepard, the base is under attack."

Kaidan waited for a response from John, but his man got silent, and his face got pale, so he addressed Miranda. "Miranda, who's attacking the base?"

"I don't know, Kaidan. I can't get to you now, so try to find Jacob, and we'll meet at the exit. Watch out for the mechs they are everywhere."

"Okay, and Miranda, and be careful."

"Thanks, Kaidan."

Kaidan looked at John who was still frozen looking at the floor, he grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him. "John, we have to move," Kaidan screamed, but John was still standing with his pale face, and his gaze lost to the floor. "John, snap out it!"

John finally looked at Kaidan. "Stay by my side at all times. If I give you an order, don't you dare disobey me, do you understand me, Alenko?"

John doesn't speak to him like that, much less used his last name, so he got worried. "John, what's wrong?"

"This is how you died. Let's move."

Kaidan now understood John's reaction to the base attack. He nodded, and then they finished putting on their uniform. As Miranda warned them when they left their quarters, they got attacked by a group of mechs. They moved to cover, Kaidan waited for his commander order to attack de mechs, and when their way was clear, they continued to advance.

"I can't believe this is happening to me again," John commented as they moved forward.

Kaidan stopped and grabbed him by his cheeks. "Hey, it's not the same."

John shook his head. "I should have left you with your parents; now you're in danger again."

"Stop that."

"But-"

Kaidan could see the fear in John's face, but he is aware that it was not the time to have compassion for his man, his lover must be reliable. Kaidan doesn't need memory to know that his death changed that relentless Commander to a more sensible man. "The only order I don't intend to obey is if you order me to leave you."

"Damn Kaidan, that is why you got killed. I ordered you to evacuate the ship, but you didn't, and you ended up in space!"

"From what you and Miranda told me, my L2 implants made me vulnerable to a lot of things. I am no longer the Kaidan you knew. I am stronger, and I don't have those horrible headaches anymore. We are going to do this together, and I want you to get that on your head." That was the most honest thing Kaidan could be with his Commander, who is still concerned. He didn't want to sound callous; he understood what John is going through, but his man needed to know that he never intended to leave him again.

John took a deep breath and admitted that the tone of voice his lover used in him is what he needed to put himself together. "Okay, Kay."

Kaidan nodded, and they continued walking until they found the elevator, which they took. His Commander had to use his grenade launcher to knock a group of mechs out of the way. When Kaidan and John got off the elevator, they had to run through the flames, so they continued down the hall to the right until they found a door, his Commander got in first, Jacob was there.

"Jacob, what's going on?"

"I don't know. I was working when the Mechs started attacking the base. I have no idea how they could get through security." Jacob looked at Kaidan. "Are you okay for combat?"

"Yes, I am, please you all need to stop worrying about me."

"That will never happen," John spoke and then looked at Jacob. "We can find out what happened next; now the main thing is to get out of this place; we have to get to the emergency shuttles."

"Understood commander."

Jacob was contacted by Wilson, who was also looking for an escape route, and they agreed to meet, so they went out the door and continued down the next hallway. Along the way, they had to fight against more mechs before reaching the man who they found lying on the floor injured. John applied enough med-gel to heal him; then, they followed the path to the exit.

When they finally reached the escape door, Miranda, who was waiting for them, shoot Wilson in cold blood. "What the hell!" Kaidan express.

"Miranda, explain yourself," John spoke.

"Wilson tried to kill me. He is the traitor."

"You shouldn't have killed him, now we can't question him," Kaidan angrily said.

John looked at Kaidan. "If Miranda said he was the traitor, I believe her, now let's get out of this base."

Kaidan frowned but remained silent. It bothers him that John blindly believes in the woman, and for some reason, he can't wholly trust Miranda or Cerberus. While they were on their way to the ship where the Illusive man was waiting for them, he remained silent, and John realized his discomfort because he grabbed his right hand and held it tight until they arrived. The Illusive Man wants to talk to them, so Kaidan finally met the man who ordered his body reconstruction.

"Alenko, how do you feel?" The illusive man wondered.

"I'm fine. Although you didn't do it for me, I have to thank you for bringing me back."

"Kaidan ..." John started, but the Illusive man cut him off.

"No problem Commander, the Lieutenant is partially right."

"What do you mean?" Kaidan asked, confused. He can't deny that the man sounded sincere, but he still has his doubts. Perhaps what his father said about Cerberus is working on him.

"The sole purpose of the Lazarus project indeed was to rebuild your body to gain Shepard's trust, but as I told the Commander, you were and still are a good soldier. I knew that your skills and common sense are going to be of great help to the Commander and us. So, don't cut yourself short, you are important to humanity too."

John looked at his lover. "I told you you are important."

"Okay, thanks again. What new information do you have for us?"

The man informed them about a place called Freedom's Progress that is under siege, so they must investigate. The meeting didn't last long, but it was very productive, Kaidan now doesn't know what to think of Cerberus, they are what they are, but there is something that he can't deny if it not for that organization he would be dead right now.

When they got back to the room, he looked at his man. "I am excited about the mission."

"Kaidan I can take Jacob and-"

"Don't finish that sentence, Shepard!"

"Kai-"

"Are we always going to have the same conversation, Shepard?" Angry Kaidan asked. "I no longer know how to tell you that I am ready to fight. We just fight a lot of mechs, and I just showed you that I am fit for duty. You're not leaving me here, and that's my last word," Kaidan spoke and turned around to walk away, but John grabbed him by the arm and pulled him against the wall then kissed him so hard that their teeth collided with each other. Kaidan put his arms around John's body and corresponded with the same passion. Slowly John calmed the intensity of their kiss, and when he broke it, Kaidan saw tears in his lover's eyes. "John, please, I will be fine."

"A damn Reapers can stand in front of me right now, and I won't even blink, but the very thought that I can lose you again terrifies me." John doesn't like being a weak or fearful man, but it's something he can't help it.

"Oh, John ..." Kaidan hugged his Commander tightly. "You will never lose me again. You will keep me safe I trust you."

John kissed his lover's cheek. "Kaidan, I need you. Babe, I adore you. I don't want to look like a weak man, but I can't help it. I lost you, Kaidan, only I know the pain that I went through, and I couldn't- "John got cut by Kaidan's lips, which kissed him slowly but with a lot of affection.

"I imagine what you went through, I understand your fear, but you can't live in fear all the time. Trust me, I will obey your orders, and I also adore you."

"Thanks, babe."

"You have to be strong, remember what the Illusive Man said humanity needs you more than ever you can't lose your focus." Kaidan noticed that his lover didn't like that comment by his disappointed face. "Did I said something wrong?"

John turned away from Kaidan and got thoughtful for a moment. "I know that humanity needs me since the Alliance is doing nothing to save our colonies, but the thing is, losing you broke me in a way that only I can understand." John sighed and felt the tears pushing his eyes, but he blinked them away. "You don't know what it's like to have it all and lose it in the blink of an eye." John approached his lover again and took his hands. "You were the center of my life; you made me feel human. with you, I was enjoying the happiness that I didn't know that a human could have right until the moment you went down with the Normandy, and my heart broke."

Kaidan sighed and moved his right hand towards John's cheek. "I'm sure I would have felt the same way, but John, babe look at me. I'm standing in front of you, and I am not going anywhere. I'll ask you one last time to try to forget and live this new life with me."

John cleared his throat and put on a smile. "You're right."

"Stop being sad and show me a bit of that tough Commander Shepard that everyone talks about."

That comment made him laugh. "Okay, but first come here and kiss me for good luck."

"Right away, Commander."

This kiss was very different; it was so full of passion that made Kaidan forgot everything. He put his arms around his man, and when John bit his lips, his body shuddered, so he bit him back, and soon they were kissing desperately. "Uhm John, we need to stop," Kaidan spoke breathlessly.

John had to force himself to stop. "This mission has to be damn short! Got babe, I want to fuck you so bad right now."

Kaidan laughed out loud. "I will look forward to the moment when we are alone again. Let's go, Commander."

John pointed to the front. "After you lieutenant."

Kaidan started walking but stopped and looked back when he felt that John was not following him. "John, are you coming?"

"Oh yes, babe, I am sorry you have an amazing ass," John said and wrapped his arms around Kaidan's neck.

"Yes, I know, you told me countless times last night while you screwed it." The two shared a last and short kiss before walking towards Miranda, who was waiting for them.

* * *

When John and his team reached freedom's progress, it was deserted, they didn't find people or their bodies, the structure of the place was intact, and there were no signs of battle either. They continued towards a large gate, and immediately John opened it they got attacked by a group of Loki and Fenris mechs. He and Kaidan took cover together while Miranda and Jacob hid a few feet from them. John was nervous, it is Kaidan's first mission after his return, and he can't stir his fear, but his lover did well. Kaidan shot his pistol and used his powers like in the old days. He also took cover when necessary.

"This is weird; those mechs don't attack like that. Someone must have programmed them to attack sight," Jacob said.

"What Jacob says makes sense, Shepard," Miranda said.

"I agree, John ... sorry Commander," Kaidan quickly rectified.

John stopped walking to look at his boyfriend. "You don't have to use ranks on me," he said with a smile on his face and saw Kaidan smile back at him. "I agree with the three of you, but we don't have time to stop to analyze the situation. Let's move on."

John thought that he and his man no longer work for the Alliance, and they are partners; therefore, John prefers that he calls him by name. When they entered the next house, he found a familiar face. "Tali."

Tali immediately looked at his former Commander. "Shepard, is that you?" She asked, but then she saw a familiar face that she thought she would never see again. "Kaidan!"

John saw Tali take a step towards Kaidan, but his man immediately pointed his gun at her, so he quickly put his right hand in front of him. "Kaidan, wait!"

"John, do you know her?"

"Yes, she worked with us."

Tali, who was looking at the couple with confusion, took a step back. "Shepard, what's going on, I thought Kaidan was dead."

John sighed, and his expression softened. "He was Tali, and Cerberus brought him back but is a long story, the thing is, he lost his memories."

"Why do you have to give her so many explanations, John? We just need to know what she is doing here."

Kaidan's cold tone threw him a bit because his sentinel used to be a friendly person, but he quickly remembered that without memory, he couldn't behave as he used to do before. "Tali was our friend Kaidan, so put your gun down ..." John saw his man hesitate, so he had to use his authority on it. "That's an order."

"I am sorry I was just trying to protect you."

John's expression softened upon hearing that. "Do not apologize." John now turned his attention to Tali. "What are you and your people doing here?"

"First, how do I know I can trust you? I am sorry for my mistrust, but Kaidan is supposed to be dead, and you disappeared a long time ago."

"I understand Tali, and if I disappeared, it was to take care of Kaidan, while Cerberus rebuilt his body. Remember when I gave you that Geth's data, Tali. Shall I help you complete your pilgrimage?"

"Yes, you did," she admitted, then looked at Prazza. "Prazza. Arms down, this is definitely Commander Shepard."

"Why is your old Commander working with Cerberus?"

"I don't know, maybe we should ask."

John looked at Kaidan for a few seconds before addressing Tali. "Cerberus came to me, they offered to rebuild Kaidan's body, as long as I helped them investigate tasks in human colonies. You and all my crew knew what Kaidan meant to me, so-"

Kaidan intervened. "I think the Commander gave you all the explanation you needed."

"Likely history. No organization would commit as many resources to bring back a soldier."

Tali looked at Prazza. "You have never seen Shepard in action, Prazza. When Kaidan died, Shepard fell apart and disappeared, if Cerberus spent all those resources to revive Kaidan to win Shepard's aides, it was money well spent. Furthermore, Kaidan was also an excellent soldier."

"Thanks, Tali," Kaidan said.

"You're welcome, Kaidan. Maybe we can work together. We are here looking for a young Quarian named Veetor. He was here in his pilgrimage."

"If everyone here is dead, what makes you think he survived?" John asked her.

"We saw him when we landed," Prazza answered.

"Then why isn't he with you already?" Kaidan asked.

"Victor was hurt, and he's always ... ah nervous," Tali replied.

"She means he is always unstable. Combined that with the danger with his, Co2 suit scrubbers and an open-air infection exposure, he is surely delirious."

"When he saw us landing, he hid in a warehouse in the remote part of town. We suspected he also programmed the mechs to attack anything that moves."

John thought about his options for a moment before addressing Kaidan. "What do you think, Kaidan?" John knew what he has to do because he trusted Tali, but he wants to include his man in his decisions.

"Well, if veetor is the only one who can tell us what happened here, I don't see why not."

John smiled and then nodded before addressing Tali. "Okay, Tali, we should work together to find him."

"Good idea Shepard. You are going to need two teams to get past the drones, anyway."

"Do we work with Cerberus now?" Prazza asked.

"No prazza, you are working for me. If you can't follow orders, go wait on the ship."

John crossed his arms and smiled. "I like this new you, Tali, so bossy," John compliment was innocent, but it seems that his man didn't take it that way by the way he glared at him.

"Really, John?"

Tali couldn't help but laugh. "I can see something, never change. Kaidan, you have nothing to fear that man only has eyes for you." She looked at Shepard. "Head for warehouse through the center of the colony. We will cycle around the far side and draw off with drones to clear your way."

John questioned Tali about his mistrust of Cerberus, Prazza explained that Cerberus killed his people, infiltrated his fleet, and tried to blow up one of their ships. Miranda went on the defensive, telling her side of the story. "This is not the time to discuss the matter. Tali, go on."

"Okay, let's work together to find Veetor," Tali said before leaving with her people.

John walked over to Kaidan as they headed for the door. "Tali is like a sister to me."

"John-"

John grabbed Kaidan's by his forearms and pulled him away from Miranda and Jacob. "I don't know what else to do to prove my love to you." Kaidan touched his cheek and sighed. "If I didn't love you the way I do, I would have already shot your stubborn ass. Let's continue."

Miranda saw the Commander exit through the door, so she approached Kaidan, who stay behind. "You are a fool, Alenko. I don't know much about relationships, but I am aware that jealousy does not lead to anything good, and believe me, you have no idea how much Shepard loves you." Miranda looked at Jacob, smiled at him, and then started walking.

"She is right; you are a fool."

Kaidan felt embarrassed, but he didn't like John commenting on Tali. He doesn't understand why he can't bear seeing his Commander acts so sweet with Miranda, and now Tali, perhaps his insecurity is due to his lack of memory. He rushed over to John. "I'm so sorry, John."

"Please, trust me."

"I do."

John grinned. "I have to admit; you look very sexy when you're jealous." The two chuckled before continuing on their ways.

When they reached the next section, Tali warned them of the presence of drones; therefore, they took cover behind the concrete. John saw Kaidan use his overload on one of the drones and came out of cover to shoot it, he got concerned for a moment, but his lover handled it well. When they finally arrived at the warehouse, Tali informed him that Prazza and his team wanted to go ahead and got cornered by a Ymir Mech. John put his team in position before she opened the door for them.

"Kaidan, stay by my side."

"Got it."

Immediately the door opened, John saw that they wouldn't have too much room to maneuver. Jacob and Miranda took cover behind a large crate; soon, the Ymir Mech began to attack them. John cloaked and ran behind the mech and started shooting at it to distract it, while his team attacked it. After a few seconds, he had to move behind one of the buildings; Kaidan met him there. "We don't have too much room here; we need to be careful. Are you okay?"

"I am perfect, so what is our strategy?"

"Shepard, look out!" Miranda yelled.

Kaidan saw the mech come towards them and his whole body lit up with his powers, without thinking he charged against the machine, as he heard John yell at him. Kaidan saw the mech point at him, so he quickly raised his arms and created a magnetic field that kept bullets from penetrating his shield, then he looked at his Commander. "Now, John!"

John couldn't believe what he was seeing; Kaidan had created a magnetic field around him that was protecting him, which he couldn't do before. He quickly stirred his confusion and looked at Jacob and Miranda who nodded then the three unloaded all their loads on the mech while it has its attention on Kaidan, ait only took them a few seconds to destroy it. John then approached Miranda. "You have a lot of explanations to do."

"Shepard-"

"John, what's wrong?" Kaidan asked him. He got confused to see that his Commander was angry.

John looked at his man. "You have never been able to create a magnetic field before, so I want to know what else Cerberus changed in you."

"Shepard, Kaidan has new implants, that is why now he can do things that his L2 implant didn't allow him to do before. Don't tell me you don't like it?"

John couldn't say he doesn't like his man's new skills, so he calmed down and looked at Kaidan again. "What you did was stupid ... but hot," he admitted.

Kaidan chuckled upon hearing that comment; he also found it sexy to see John fighting. "I am sorry, I saw you in danger, and I didn't think I just react."

John touched his man's cheek. "You never do when it comes to my well-being. Let's go get veetor so we can go home."

When John found Veetor, he showed them a video showing how a type of Alien took the colonists away; Miranda called them collectors. Veetor was too ill to give more information; therefore, he allowed Tali to take him. She promised to send any new information that she finds from his Omni-tool, and he trusted she would do that. John asked Tali to join them, but right now, she was busy helping her people. John gave the order to return to the shuttle.

"You trust Tali?" Kaidan asked.

"I do a hundred percent."

When they returned to the base, John had to talk to the Illusive man again; he sent him dossiers about the people he could recruit for his mission since his old crew is not available right now. When John finished his meeting, he met someone he didn't plan to see again in a long time, Joker, who was talking to Kaidan. He stared at his old pilot for a moment, and when Joker extended his hand, he just stared at it.

Joker withdrew his hand. "Hello, Commander. I'm very sorry about Kaidan's memory."

That comment only irritated him. "Of course, I'm sorry it's your fault that he ends up in space." John took a step toward his pilot and pointed his fingers directly at his chest. "If you defy another order, I wouldn't care if Cerberus was the one who hired you, I would kick you in the spot, do you understand me?"

"John, don't be so hard on him," Kaidan said but quickly closed his mouth when his man glared at him.

"It is okay, Kaidan, I understand the Commander's anger." Joker now addressed Shepard. "Don't worry, Commander; I'll be obedient. Are you ready to see your ship?"

John just nodded, then they headed towards the ship. John knows he was tough on Joker, but he is not ready to forgive the man yet because only he knows how much he has suffered the past two years. John wants to erase everything he saw in the last two years, but the image of Kaidan waking up, complaining in pain, is something that he will not be able to erase from his mind so quickly.

John looked at his man, who was amazed looking around the Normandy after they entered, and that face made him feel better. "You like it, babe?"

"I love it, John, the ship is amazing."

They walked the ship for a little while, and John acknowledged that Cerberus did an excellent job rebuilding it. A while later, when they entered the med-bay, John was surprised to see Dr. Chakwas there. After the Normandy went down, she got posted to Mars Naval Medical Center. After missing the excitement of a starship, she joined Cerberus and took a position in the Normandy as Chief Medical Officer. She explained to John that she wouldn't be working for Cerberus but him.

"I'm so glad you're here with us, and I want to ask a favor please take a look at Kaidan."

"John, I'm fine,' Kaidan quickly replied.

The doctor smiled. "Kaidan, I am very sorry that you have lost your memory, and I am sure you are fine because you look very healthy, but a checkup never hurts," She said, then she activated her Onmi-tool.

"I'm tired of the needles."

John smiled at his man. "Love, do it for my peace of mind. We were just in your first combat. I just want to make sure you're okay."

Kaidan sighed. "Okay, I'm going to do it for you."

"Good. I will leave you alone with the doctor I need to go talk to Miranda; I'll meet you in our cabin on the first floor in a few minutes." John kissed his lover's cheek and then left the med-bay and headed toward Miranda's office when he entered the room the woman was working on her computer.

"Oh, hey Shepard, I thought you and Alenko were getting settled in your new cabin."

"We are going to do that in a moment." He looked around for a few seconds. "Are you comfortable here?"

"Yes." She saw him cross his arm and stare at her. "Shepard, are you still mad about Alenko's new skills?"

"I am not angry, but I wish you would have talked to me about the changes you were making in him. I was always there; you should have informed me. Besides, Kaidan doesn't behave like he used to; he's a little different."

"I thought you guys were fine."

John uncrossed his arms and stroked his jaw as he thought. "Yes, our relationship is strong, and I know I am lucky that he accepted me without remembering me, but he is more impulsive and tough on others. Kaidan didn't use to act that way; he was a friendlier man."

Miranda let out a long breath. "Shepard Kaidan can't be the same man that he was before, remember that his memories are gone, besides you know that his body went through significant trauma. You need to give him time, and I already told you that he could be more reliable and on the battlefield. You told me you wanted Alenko to have new implants, and that's the consequence."

John's expression softened, and he gave the woman a less severe look. "You're right, excuse my mistrust, Miranda."

"Okay, Shepard, you don't have to apologize, you care for Kaidan is natural that you have doubts."

John sighed. "I not only cared for Kaidan, Miranda, but I also love him with my life. You know it is so funny, how more than two years ago, my mother was all I had, and now Kaidan is my whole world. I don't want to lose him again."

"You won't. Give Alenko room; he proved today that he is capable of doing well on the battlefield."

"Yes, he did."

John stayed there talking to Miranda for a while longer then returned to the doctor, who confirmed that his boyfriend was in excellent shape, and that gave him a little peace of mind. John had the opportunity to talk to his cook, who asked him to get him some ingredients. Before heading to his cabin, he passed by the engineering department to greet his engineers, Kenneth and Gabriella, who are former Alliance engineers. John also passed by the CIC and welcomed Kelly, who is his Yeoman. He went to the weapons room and talked to Jacob for a little while.

When John entered his cabin an hour later, his man was sitting in the middle of the bed; he was reading something in the data-pad. Kaidan's hair looks wet, and he was wearing shorts with a blue T-shirt. John was so focused on his man that he didn't pay attention to the new changes in his cabin. "Did you take a shower without me?" John asked with a disappointed face.

Kaidan looked at John. "You were taking too long, and I felt hot."

"I'm sorry to stop talking to my new staff, and you know I would have cooled you down." John gave his man a devouring look. He advanced to the bed, then noticed the giant aquarium in his cabin, and the large office.

"John, I like the cabin, how was the previous one?"

For a moment, John forgot that Kaidan doesn't remember the old Normandy and that this is all new to him. "It was much smaller than this one. You know what I like the most about this one is that it is on the first floor away from everything, so now the staff won't be able to hear you when you scream."

Kaidan's face blushed. "Me? You have to be talking about yourself," Kaidan joked and then looked at the big aquarium. "We need to buy fish, and I love the office. It's spacious."

"Yeah." John saw the small table in the middle of the sofas on the right side of the bed and noticed the bottle of 47 Thessia red. He grabbed the bottle. "What is this?"

"Courtesy of the Illusive Man. Do you want a drink, love?"

"Yes, but I'm going to prepare it. Don't move; you need to rest." The doctor had told him that his man was fine, but he can't stop worrying about him.

"John, I'm fine." Kaidan saw him walk towards the bottle. "You, however, look tired."

"I am," John said, then fixed the drink, grabbed the glasses, and handed one to Kaidan. He took a sip of his drink before putting the glass on the nightstand, then sat on the bed to remove his shoes. "This drink taste delicious."

Kaidan also took a sip of his drink. "You are right; it tastes delicious. You know, I was reviewing the dossiers the Illusive man sent us; did you know that we have to recruit a criminal, her name is Jack?"

John put his shoes under the bed, then rubbed the back of his neck. "I didn't know, but love, we heard the Illusive Man; my old crew is not available, and we need all the help we can get; therefore, we can't be too picky."

"So, you are going to recruit her?"

John sighed and grabbed his glass to take another sip. He then grabbed the two drinks and put it down, then settled on the bed next to his man, who stretched out his right arm so he could lay his head down. "Let me see that data-pad, love?" John grabbed the data-pad and read Jack's dossier. "Uhm ..."

"Please love; let's see what we find in that price before you make a decision."

"Okay," he said without hesitation.

"Okay, that it is?"

John chuckled. "I always do what you ask me to do because you have common sense, and I lack a lot of that. Most of the time, I act on impulse." John put the data-pad next to their glass and grabbed Kaidan's cheek. "Let's forget work," he said before kissing his man. "Uhm, I already missed the taste of your lips," John spoke after breaking the kiss.

Kaidan smiled. "Me too."

John drew a line around Kaidan's scars. "You put your life in danger for me again, and I can't scold you, because I would have done the same damn thing."

"Act on instinct. I was terrified when I saw that mech come toward you." Kaidan also touched John's cheek. "I felt my world crumble under my feet. It seems I love you more than I thought, Commander. Excuse me for scaring you."

John gave a sweet, slow kiss to his beloved. "It's not you who have to apologize is me who needs to do it for doubting your ability as a soldier. I love your new skills; it is fascinating to see you charging across the battlefield. "

"Really?"

"Yes." John laid his head on his boyfriend's shoulder, and they both stared at each other silently. He lowered his right hand and settled it on top of Kaidan's belly. "Are you hungry?"

"I am a little."

"Well, I met the cook, but there are not too many ingredients on the ship; we will have to go down to the Citadel to buy food and also to speak to Anderson, who sent me an email. We also have to recruit Kasumi."

"The thief?" They both laughed. "You are going to have an interesting team, Commander."

"Yes, but my favorite crew member is you."

Kaidan's body shuddered when John reached inside his shirt. "I wonder why."

"Uhm ... well, you give me support, and you care about me." John moved his hand up and brushed his man's hard nipples with the corner of his hand.

Kaidan turned to the side and wrapped his left arm around John's waist. "I say I give you more than moral support." He placed a short kiss on his boyfriend's lips. "I loved seeing you in combat today too. You are a strong man, but tell me, do you feel good?"

John, who was kissing his man's neck, stopped to raise his head so she could look his man in the eye. "I need to recognize that not even my mother knows me the way you do. The truth is, it was great to be in combat again, but I'm not going to lie to you. If I could pass this burden to someone else, I would do it in a heartbeat. I would like to retire and spend my days next to you in a house by the sea."

Kaidan's eyes overflowed with tears. "You are thinking about a future together?"

"Of course, I am, why are you, surprise? Kaidan, I want you in my life forever." John sighed and spun around to stand on top of his man then began to kiss his chin slowly. "I don't want anyone else."

Kaidan inserted his hands inside John's shirt. "Me neither, John." Kaidan sighed when his lover bit his neck, making his cock throbbed, so he nailed his nails into his back. "Miranda told me that I am a fool for distrusting you, and she is right."

John raised his head. "She told you that?"

"Yes, after my silly jealousy scene."

"Why do you still think I could cheat on you?" John asked. He doesn't care how many times he has to prove his fidelity, but it hurts that he mistrusts him.

"I don't distrust you, love, it would be unfair to do it, but I don't know what is happening to me. I am afraid of losing you or that you will grow tired of me."

"I would never get tired of you. Can you tell that I don't have enough of you? You already heard Tali; I disappeared, I left the Alliance, my mother everything to take care of you."

"I know it."

"But you know what, I understand you because if someone tries to snatch you from me, I will kill that son of a bitch, whoever that person is."

"Would you kill for my Commander?"

"Oh, I definitely would."

"You sound very sexy. Hey Commander, can we buy some things for our cabin?"

"Sure, love. Oh, I forgot to tell you I gave you access to my account so you can use the money for your needs." His man passed his shirt over his shoulders and then put it next to them; John did the same with his.

"You give me everything; I don't know how I am going to repay you."

John brought his mouth to Kaidan's ear. "I have some ideas on how you can repay me, and the best one involves your mouth on my dick." He heard his man laugh out loud. "Alenko, I will give you one last order today."

"Which is?"

"Moan loudly, no one can hear us anymore."

"I will happily obey that order, but that goes both ways. It turns me on to hear you moan."

"Oh you are going to have a lot of that, we have two hours before we get to the Citadel, so it's time to start paying me for everything I do for you," John teased, but he didn't give his man time to answer because he melted their mouths together in a loving and passionate kiss.

"Uhm Commander."

"Stop calling me that."

Kaidan moved his lips away and closed his eyes and sighed as he felt his man's warm lips on his neck. "I like to call you like that."

John moved his hips to rub his erection against Kaidan's. "Why?"

"Because when I do, it reminds me that the Commander is mine."

"The Commander is only yours, and he always will be," John said before kissing his lover fiercely.


	6. Chapter 6

_Saren is dead, the council is safe, but his Commander, the love of his life, is not in sight. Kaidan looked towards the rubble; he could feel his heart beating fast inside his chest, then he saw John coming out, and the first thing his Commander did was smile at him. Kaidan immediately noticed that John was limping, bleeding from his forehead, and grabbing his right side. Kaidan had to make a significant effort not to run towards him because Anderson and the rest of the crew were present, and he had to keep up appearances._

_Kaidan walked towards his lover and managed to reach him before Anderson did. "Commander, are you okay?"_

_A while back, John thought that he was going to die, and his life flashed in front of his eyes, and it terrified him to think that he would never have a future with Kaidan. Now the only thing he wants is to hold him forever. "A kiss would make me feel better."_

_Kaidan chuckled but saw him wince, so he quickly grabbed him by his waist. "John, are you feeling okay?" John's face was turning paler, and Kaidan was beginning to despair._

_"I'm feeling a bit dizzy."_

_Kaidan saw Anderson stand in front of them, and he didn't mind showing his despair in front of the man when he spoke. "The Commander needs to see the doctor now."_

_"Kaidan, I'm fine."_

_With all due respect, Commander, you look like hell. You need medical attention right now," his voice sounded authoritative, but sometimes that's how he has to speak for his man to understand._

_"The Lieutenant is right, Shepard. Let's go so the doctor can check on you."_

_"Alright, I'll see the doctor," John agreed after seeing the concern on Kaidan's face._

_The next few hours were a bit chaotic. The Citadel suffered damage, Dr. Michell's clinic as well; therefore, the doctor had to attend John's Anderson office. While the doctor treats to the Commander, Kaidan helped Anderson. It was not until later that he was able to see his Commander again after he left the council meeting. John appointed Anderson ambassador, and he congratulated him for making the right decision since Udina is an ass._

_John's forehead now has a large scar that the doctor covered with gauze, and he was still limping. "Commander, I think you should rest."_

_"Shepard, Kaidan is right; you need some rest. You and your crew deserve a vacation; I will take care of Everything from here. Maybe you can take these days to be with your mother," Anderson said._

_John looked at Kaidan for a moment before looking back at Anderson. "I already have other plans in mind, but I'll call my mother."_

_Kaidan met Anderson's gaze and couldn't help but blush before lowering his gaze since it's evident that Anderson knows what is going between them. The older man is clever, and John does not know how to hide his feelings. When they left the office, he saw John lean against the wall then close his eyes. His face has an expression of pain. "John let's get going, you don't look good, and we have hours of travel to get to my little house in Vancouver. I want you to be resting already."_

_John opened his eyes and approached his boyfriend. "What I need is a hug from you, love."_

_"We can't do that here, Commander," Kaidan said and saw the disappointment reflected in his Commander's face, but he remained silent respecting his decision, so they started walking._

_John said goodbye to his crew first, then the two of them began their journey. Kaidan could see that John was not feeling well; he had never seen him like this, and that is mortifying him. Few of John's crew didn't survive the attack, and Kaidan knows that it weighs heavily on him. His lover is a tough man, but if there is something that Kaidan has realized is that Commander Shepard has a big heart, but he does not like to show it, well, no one other than him._

_When they were in the shuttle, Kaidan grabbed his lover's hand, but when their gazes met, what he saw left him breathless; John's eyes were looking at him with affection. Although they have not said those three powerful words, Kaidan knows that his Commander loves him. The way John behaves with him, that passionate way he makes love to him, and his way of looking at him have convinced him of the big affection the man feels for him._

_When they got to his house, Kaidan grabbed John by the chin. "You don't look good, let's go to what is now our bedroom so you can lie down."_

_"Our bedroom sounds perfect." John sighed and looked around the house. "You are not going to show me around, sweetheart." John put on a weak smile because he has a horrible headache._

_"Later, I want you to lie down while I prepare something to eat. Come on." Kaidan withdrew his hand, but John grabbed it, then brought it to his cheek, and let out another long sigh. "I lost so many people from my crew today." John's eyes teared up; it had been a horrible day._

_To see tears in John's eyes broke Kaidan's heart. "And I almost lost you and ..." his voice cracked. "John, I don't know what I would have done if I had lost you ..."_

_John didn't hesitate to hug his love, and at that moment, he felt his world fall apart when he heard Kaidan let out a sob. "Kaidan, I am here, and you will never lose me." John pulled away so he could look his lover in the eye. "Babe, nothing happened to me, I'm still here with you, and tonight we'll sleep together with no one around."_

_Kaidan tried to smile but couldn't do it. Yes, it's great that John is still here, but he almost lost him, and he can't shake that. "I know that I am a soldier, that I should shake what happened, but I can't. You're the man..." Kaidan shook his head._

_"Kay-"_

_"It was horrible when I didn't see you coming out of the rubble! I thought ..." Kaidan took a long breath. "I thought I had lost you, John, and it felt like if someone ripped my heart out of my chest."_

_John felt desperate and thought he has to do something to erase what happened from both of their minds. "Love, show me around our bedroom, then after dinner, we can make love, and I will make you feel how alive I am."_

_Kaidan couldn't help but chuckle as he pulled away. "Not tonight, John."_

_"Why not?"_

_"You need to rest; you can't be moving around."_

_"And who said that I'm going to be moving?"_

_Kaidan's face got red when he understood the message. "John, you're a horny bastard, but that is one of the qualities I love about you. Let's go to the bedroom." The two walked towards the bedroom, which John immediately fell in love. They brought some clothes, Kaidan gave John a drawer to store his belongings, and they agreed that they need to go shopping tomorrow._

_Kaidan left John in the bedroom and went to the kitchen. A week ago, he had asked his mother to buy him food and leave it at home because he knew that their mission would be over soon. He opened the fridge and wondered what his Commander would like to eat; he didn't go to ask him; he just grabbed two pieces of steak than potatoes to make fries. Kaidan started to prepare dinner. He was cutting the vegetables when John walked into the kitchen._

_"Can I help you?"_

_Kaidan raised his head and saw his man standing at the entrance to the kitchen. "John, you supposed to be resting."_

_"I can't, not without you, so let me help you so we can both take a bath together and rest." John walked over to Kaidan, put his left arm around his lover's shoulders, then tilted his head to meet his lips, and enjoying a loving kiss. "I don't want to be away from you, not even for a minute."_

_Kaidan sighed. "But you don't feel well."_

_"I feel worse without you. Let me help you; please love."_

_Kaidan sighed. "You win as always." John started to nibble around his right ear. "Commander, behave yourself."_

_John drove his right hand towards Kaidan's belly and started to move it down. "Why, I got you hard already?"_

_Kaidan took a step away and pretended to be angry, but when John grabbed him by the waist and pulled him into a hot, sexy kiss, he couldn't continue acting. John squeezed his body and wrapped his arms around his body. "John ... this is not fair; I want to take care of you, so you kissing me like that is making it impossible for me to do it."_

_John bit Kaidan's lower lip, then stepped back and put his hands to the front. "Okay, I will try to keep my hands away from my hot boyfriend." His mouth said one thing, but his gaze said another. It's unbelievable that even with a terrible headache, he still wants to be with Kaidan, but his boyfriend is incredibly hot, just like he told him._

_Kaidan laughed out loud; then, they started to prepare dinner. It didn't go unnoticed for him that John winced while they cooked. His man often forgets that he is human and that med-gel doesn't cure Everything. They sat down to eat and enjoyed their dinner. It was nice to chat with John knowing that there was no one to hear them. Finally, they are going to be able to express their love without fear of someone catching them._

_Half an hour later, they entered the bathroom, and Kaidan had to help John get undressed because when he tried to bend, he felt pain in his right side again. He had to replace the bandage because it started bleeding again too. "Go to bed right now," Kaidan ordered when they came out of the bathroom._

_John obeyed and then patted the left side of the bed. "Come here to me." When his boyfriend followed, he covered their bodies with the blanket and pressed him to his body. "You realize that, for the first time, we are alone. No one can hear us; you will not have to suppress your moans in fear that someone will hear you, or whisper when you speak to me. We are free, love."_

_"Yes, we are. Tell me you're going to miss the job?"_

_"I don't think so. It's only been a few hours, and I've enjoyed every minute that I've been a civilian by your side, Alenko. I know my mother is going to kill me when she finds out that I was off duty and I didn't go to see her, but I want to use these days so that we get to know each other better. I want our relationship to strengthen."_

_"Waoo John, I don't know what to say."_

_"What about I want the same." Kaidan had his head lying on his chest, and he grabbed his chin to look into his eyes. "Please don't tell me that you thought that you are an adventure for me, Alenko, because-" His boyfriend cut him off with a long kiss. John forgot Everything he was going to say, and he tried to move to stay on top of Kaidan, but he couldn't do it because his side started to hurt. "Fuck I think I hurt a rib; it hurts like hell when I try to move."_

_Kaidan sighed. "You say I am stubborn, but you won on that one, stay still, I will do all the work tonight, and I have never thought that you don't take me seriously."_

_"Then why the comment?"_

_"Is that your words moved me. Sometimes you surprise me, John. You are so fierce on the battlefield, but when we are alone, you are so romantic. You melt my heart, Commander."_

_"You bring out on me." His boyfriend moved on top of him, and his lover's buttocks brushed against his already hard cock, which made him moan. He moved his hands upwards; then, he started stroking her boyfriend's back. "You are the most beautiful man I have ever been with, and the only one who has cared for me. You knew how to conquer me; you are smart, Alenko."_

_Kaidan looked down and frowned when he saw that John's side was turning purple. "The area where you got hit is turning purple. I will go find a cream that I have that can help you to spread it in that area," He said then tried to move, but John stopped him._

_"I'm fine, don't move away from me."_

_"John, I'm worried, I don't want to hurt you, please don't be a fool, we can do-" John grabbed him by the cheek and pulled him down to a hot kiss._

_"Shut up and kiss me, Alenko; you are all my body needs right now." Yes, John is in pain, but there is no better medicine for him than his man's love. Kaidan is the man he loves, and soon he is going to tell him. "You almost lost me today, and that almost makes you lose your mind, but if I lose you, I will lose more than my mind. Kaidan, if something happened to you, my life would fall apart because you have taught me what it means to be happy, and without you, my life would be miserable."_

_"John ..."_

_"I already told you, when Dad died, I suffered a lot, and the only person who made me feel happy or something similar was my mother, but with you, I have found peace and love." John stopped pressing Kaidan's lips and started kissing him around his face. "I would not bear if something happened to you."_

_"Nothing will happen to me because you always protect me." Kaidan caught John's lips and bit them hard. "So ... do you like it when I'm on top?"_

_"No," John lied and closed his eyes when his man started kissing his chest then his right nipple. "Kay ..."_

_"Shut up commander, let me work ..."_

_"Roger, that lieutenant."_

* * *

Kaidan put the brush down and felt John's breath on his shoulders, but he couldn't see him when he looked in the mirror. He smiled and moved his right arm back to rest it on his lover's nape. "John I, love when you do that, but let me see you." When he turned around, his lover caught his lips, and as they kissed, his man became visible, so he smiled and continued kissing him.

Kaidan thought that John likes it when he uses his biotics during sex, but Kaidan loved it when they are having sex, and his lover cloaked; he thinks is hot, he wonders if John always did that before. No to be able to remember what they did together or how they treated each other before his death makes Kaidan feel frustrated. There are times when his mind goes blank, but he hasn't mentioned anything to John, not to worry him. Trying to remember gives him a headache, but he's doing Everything he can to remember.

"I love you, Kaidan."

Kaidan pulled apart and stared into those beautiful blue eyes. "I love you." Kaidan sighed. "I want to remember. There is nothing Miranda can do to make me regain my memory?"

"No love, you're going to have to wait. Now let's go," John said and turned around to walk to the door.

Kaidan didn't like the tone of voice John spoke with; he seemed annoyed with his question. Did my comment bother you?"

John stopped but didn't turn to look at his lover. "No. It frustrates me that you can't remember, that is all."

Kaidan smiled and walked over to his loved, then grabbed his hand. "Let's go, Commander."

A while later, after they landed on the Citadel, they met Kasumi. At first, Kaidan didn't think it was right that they would recruit a thief, but the way she caught their attention seemed interesting to him. Kaidan liked the woman and told his Commander, who did not accept her on the ship until he gave his approval. John didn't take a step without consulting him, and that made him feel good. Their relationship is stable, and Kaidan likes the level of communication and respect between them.

Since Kaidan was dead, they had to go through the security office to fix the problem. A few minutes later, they walked into Anderson's office, but Kaidan didn't recognize him. The council was waiting for them, but when the meeting ended, Anderson walked towards them and embraced him, Kaidan just looked at John with a confused look, but he just placed his arms around the man to not be rude. When the man broke apart, Kaidan smiled at him.

"You have to be Anderson?"

"Then what Hannah told me is true, and you've lost your memory." Anderson sighed and looked at John. "When you disappeared, I didn't know what to think, but when your mother told me why you did, I understood. I always knew that you two loved each other, John, but you should have told me and not disappear the way you did."

"I know where the Alliance stood with Cerberus. I would not have done anything that would have endangered that organization. Cerberus was going to rebuild Kaidan, and you just said that you always knew what was going between us, so I don't have to say anything else."

"They are terrorists, Shepard. You fought against them; you and Kaidan did."

"I didn't care then, and I don't care now."

"Shepard!"

"They brought Kaidan back, Anderson!" John saw the shock on Anderson's face. "Why the surprised face? You know me, Anderson, when I make a decision, the only person who can make me change my mind was no longer with me. I needed Kaidan with me, and I would have given my soul to the devil to have him back."

"I don't know what to say."

"There is nothing more to say about that matter. All you have to do is let me be."

Kaidan moved away from Anderson to approach his man, who looked upset. The council's meeting didn't end well; they ruled out all the proof John found about the Reapers. Kaidan doesn't remember the details of Saren's mission; he doesn't remember all the evidence John found about the Reapers. Still, he doesn't need to remember because he blindly believes in his Commander.

"Came down, please."

John smiled at his man and looked at Anderson. "What did the Alliance did to find Kaidan's body?"

"Shepard, he got space, we didn't think we were going to f-"

"Stop right there!" John yelled, cutting him off, then turned away from Kaidan to approach his old captain. "The Alliance declared Kaidan dead and did not even make an effort to find his body to give him a proper burial," John said with his voice loaded with anger than let out a long breath. "What is done can't be undone, so there is no point in continuing to talk about the past. I will help Cerberus bring the collectors down for the good of our colonies."

Anderson looked at Kaidan. "And you?"

"I am with John."

Anderson sighed. "Then, you have my full support, but don't expect the Alliance or the council to back you two up."

"I don't care, Anderson. We are going to do what is right for the sake of our galaxy." He looked at his man. "Kaidan, let's go, and Anderson, I will keep in touch."

"Take care both of you, and Kaidan, it was good to see you, and I hope you can recover your memory soon."

"Thanks, Anderson," Kaidan said, and then he and John walked out of the office. When they were outside, he immediately grabbed his lover's hands. "Everything you said to Anderson about what you did for me." Kaidan shook his head. "I have nothing to say, but thank you, love."

"You have nothing to thank me; I would do it without hesitation again."

"I have no words."

"Babe, you still don't understand how much I love you. My life turned upside down when I lost you; that is why it's important to me that you obey me in combat. I will regard your life with mine if necessary."

Kaidan placed a finger on John's mouth and then exchanged it with his lips. "Not with your life, I need you too," he said, then they shared an intense kiss before grabbing the elevator. "I'm hungry, John."

"Me too, before we go back to the ship, I will take you to eat breakfast."

"No, let's buy the ingredients the cook asked us, then let's go back to the ship. I have a slight headache, and I want to be fine by the time we get to Omega."

John immediately worried. "Headache, but why? Are your implants bothering you?"

Kaidan chuckled. "Stop worrying. It's a slight headache; maybe we overdo it."

John couldn't help but laugh at that comment. "You are complaining, Alenko."

"In your dreams Commander. We haven't eaten anything since yesterday, maybe that's it. After we eat, I'm sure I'll feel better." John put his right arm around his shoulders, then kissed his cheek, and Kaidan felt so good. He was able to see his Commander in combat yesterday, and seeing that amazing and strong man in action then later begging him for a touch of his hands makes him feel special." Kaidan was about to speak when the elevator door opened, so they stepped outside.

Kaidan was amazed how every time they stopped at a kiosk to make purchases, the vendors praised the Commander. He felt flattered that he is the man Commander Shepard loves. Many people looked at him, and he grabbed his lover's hand, ignoring the curious gazes. John smiled, and he had to restrain himself not to kiss him in public. A little while later, they arrived at the ship and distributed the ingredients to the cook. While the ship's chef cooked, John went to talk to the Illusive Man, so Kaidan took the opportunity to speak with Joker.

"Hey, Joker."

"Oh, hey, Kaidan."

"Can we talk?"

"Did the Commander let you speak to me?"

Kaidan walked forward and took a seat in the co-pilot's seat. "Why wouldn't he let me talk to you?"

"How can you ask me that? The man hates me because, for my disobedience, he lost you. I should have obeyed him when he ordered me to leave the ship, but I stayed, and as a result, you died."

Kaidan felt the hurt in Joker's tone of voice, and he felt bad since he doesn't hold any resentment for him. "First, John doesn't hate you, just give him time, and I died because of my own choice."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, from what John told me, I didn't obey him either, and I stayed to help him find you. I disobeyed him too, and it cost me my life." Kaidan looked forward as he thought that he hadn't thought about his death. He wondered if his agony was fast or slow. Maybe not remembering is a blessing. "This feels so familiar."

Joker chuckled. "You used to help me pilot the ship."

"Oh, now, I understand." Kaidan sighed. "I'm not going to deny that having no memory of my past is frustrating, but fate gave me another chance, and I am here now." Kaidan sighed. "I don't hold a grudge against you, Joker, things happen for a reason."

"Yeah, but Shepard suffered a lot." Joker sighed and blinked away the tears. "I can never forget when you closed the hatch, the way Shepard began to bang on it while desperately yelling at you to open it. I saw him burst into tears before giving me a look full of anger. I tried to apologize, but he said he never wanted to see me again. I've never seen him like this; he was broken."

"Joker-"

"Let me finish, please." Kaidan nodded, then he continued. "You don't remember the Commander, but I do. Shepard used to be tough and cold, and after he met you, he changed. Shepard became a more understanding person with his crew. Yes, Shepard never ceases to be tough when he had to be, but the difference was that in his time off, he behaved like a sensible human being. I saw how the Commander looked at you; here was so much admiration, pride, and affection in his eyes, but after you died, he got lost in pain."

His eyes teared up. "The pain hasn't stopped, I'm here, but John still stuck in the past. The thing is, I won't let John continue to suffer, I'm going to help him get over the past."

"So, tell me something, Kaidan how are you with the Commander if you don't remember him?"

Kaidan laughed out loud. "I don't need my memories to know that I love the Commander, Joker. When I woke up, his first look at me was the only thing I needed to know that I was special for him." Kaidan smiled as he looked at the screen. "I'll talk to Shepard about you. Tell me why you accepted the job thinking that John resented you."

"I was the cause of his pain, that is why I want to help him to redeem a little, the damage that I cause him. Besides, I believe in the Commander, and he is the only one who can save our colonies since the Alliance is not doing anything about it. This time I got the Commander back."

"I'm glad to hear that."

They talked for a while longer. Kaidan felt good after that conversation. When he returned to the Cabin, John was waiting for him with two plates of food. "Good, I'm hungry."

John felt a bit irritated that he had already been waiting for his man for a while. "Where were you?"

"I was talking to Joker." Kaidan approached his man sitting on the sofa, so he took a seat in front of him, then uncovered his plate.

"What were you talking to him?"

Kaidan felt anger in John's tone of voice. "I just wanted to talk to him; I like him."

John rubbed his chin and stared at him for a moment before speaking. "I am not surprised since you two were too close, but I can't forget that you lost your life because of his disobedience."

Kaidan sighed. "John, I understand your anger towards him, but love, I'm here, leave the past behind."

"You're here but not complete," John snapped but immediately regretted it. "I am sorry I didn't mean to talk to you like that." He reached for his lover's right hand and squeezed it when he grabbed it. "I can't forget that moment when you closed that gate or the days, weeks, and months that I spent alone crying your absence."

"We will not be happy if you always bring the past."

John released Kaidan's hand to cross his arms across his chest. He frowned and looked sideways until his lover moved to his side and grabbed his chin to force his gaze toward him. "What?"

"You look beautiful when you get mad, my Commander." John remained silent, so he smiled and continued talking. "You looked sexy; it is turning me on." John's shone with lust. "God Commander, I just have to talk about sex to get your attention. "

"Asshole."

"But you adore this asshole, change your attitude, and I promise you a scorching night," Kaidan didn't wait for an answer. He drew his beloved towards an exciting kiss that lasted a few seconds, but it was enough to see his man smile again. "I love you, John."

"Babe, I love you more, and I will listen to you. I will try to leave the past behind."

"Thank you, love."

"Thank you for putting up with me, you always have."

"And I always will."

* * *

_John was in pain but not the kind of pain that he went through for the last two years. Kaidan has been bedridden for years; therefore, he needs therapy on his legs to start walking, and he is helping him. The thing is, John could see that his man was in pain, and he couldn't stand it. John could see the tears welling up in those beautiful caramel-colored eyes, and it was killing him, so he gently put Kaidan's legs down._

_Kaidan was in pain, but he didn't want to stop; he's tired of being in bed; he wants to walk to feel useful. "No, John, don't stop."_

_John didn't want to stop, he wants Kaidan to recover as soon as possible, but he couldn't see him suffer. Maybe he should be stricter or less sensitive, but he has always been weak when it comes to his lover. "You need a break. I think I'm pushing you too much."_

_"You're not pushing me, then why are you making me stop."_

_"Because you are in pain, and yes, I am pushing to the limit!" John screamed, but then he put his hands on his waist and let out a sigh. "I'm so sorry; I didn't mean to yell at you. I can see you're in pain; I can't stand it."_

_"John, I want to walk, please I can bear the pain."_

_"I said, no!" John screamed and got up, then took several deep breaths to calm down._

_Kaidan saw John's beautiful blue eyes glitter with tears and acted fast. "Come here." When John approached him, he grabbed his hand. "You are right; I am in pain. I want to start walking; I feel useless when you do Everything for me."_

_"Don't talk like that. You are my man by God saints; it is my duty to be there when you need me. Also, I do it with love."_

_"I know, but still, I feel useless."_

_John sighed then took a seat next to Kaidan; he rested his right leg on the bed; he kept the other out. "Listen to me; I have always had a weakness for you. When you used to suffer from headaches, I felt like dying every time I heard you complain in your dreams. Sometimes I did not sleep watching over you. Seeing you in pain crushes my heart and Kaidan, I am hard to break, But when you are sick, I fall apart."_

_Kaidan was on the verge of tears after hearing John's voice break when he spoke. "I can only imagine what you felt seeing me in that bed for the last two years."_

_John wiped away the tears that had rolled down his cheeks. "It was hard, but what kept me on my feet was knowing that I was going to have you again. Yes, I knew there was a risk that you wouldn't remember me, but I knew that I could make you fall in love with me again."_

_"When I can walk, I promise you that we will be together intimately, I mean because it is the last thing that is missing since my heart is full of love for you."_

_John chuckled. "I'm not worried about sex; I mean, I endured two years without sex, I can wait for a little longer." He moved his right hand forward and grabbed his chin. "The only thing I want is for you to be well, then we will move to that part and believe me, love, the wait will be worth it. Now I will take you to our room. Do you need anything?"_

_"I only need you."_

_"You got me, babe. I'll take you to our quarters, and then I will go get something to drink for both of you." John helped Kaidan to their quarters, then left him alone to go to the kitchen, where he found Miranda, who was leaving with a cup of milk in her hand._

_"Hey Shepard, how was therapy with Kaidan?" The Commander remained silent. There is something wrong?"_

_"The therapies are so hard for him; I can't bear to see him suffer like that." John let the air out._

_Miranda put her right hand on Shepard's shoulder. "I know it's hard, but he needs that therapy, so you need to be strong for him." Miranda smiled. "Come on, Commander Shepard, Kaidan needs your strength, and that beautiful smile so that he will walk again soon."_

_Those words coming from Miranda were what John needed right now. "Thanks, Miranda. I needed that." A few minutes later, John entered the bedroom and found his man huddled inside the sheet. "You look beautiful."_

_Kaidan smiled. "What do you have there?"_

_"Two cups of hot chocolate."_

_"Uhm, that sounds delicious." Kaidan sat on the bed and grabbed his mug, then brought it to his mouth. "Oh, John, this chocolate is delicious."_

_"I know you taught me how to make it." John sat down next to Kaidan, the two of them sat shoulder to shoulder. "That time we spent together at your house, you showed me how to cook a lot of things."_

_"Did we have a good time?"_

_"Oh my God, you have no idea how much fun we had. I felt like I was in paradise; you made me feel so happy, Kaidan, and when I lost you, it was like falling from heaven into hell. I was burning Kaidan."_

_"I still see the flames around you, but I'm going to change that. When I'm already on my feet, I swear I'll give you many years of happiness. I can't remember you, or our past, but Everything tells me that I adored you. Every day that I have woken up next to you, I feel protected. You think I don't know that you immediately shelter me either with the blanket or with your arms when we sleep, and I feel cold. There are times you kiss my cheeks when I'm asleep. It's like you know when I need something. Your love for me is overwhelming, but in the right way."_

_John immediately tilted his head down and kissed his man. He couldn't describe in words what he's feeling right now. Kaidan is his life; he is Everything he needs right now and forever. "Because I adore you more than you can imagine, babe, you are everything to me."_

_Kaidan put his free hand on John's cheek. "I'm going to be fine, love, we both will, I promise you."_

_"I promise you; I'll never let you down again."_

_"You have never done it, love."_

_"Thank you for your confidence in me, love. I love you."_

* * *

"Mom, please don't argue with me!" John said, then sighed. He was frustrated by the way his mother was questioning him. He took advantage of the fact that Kaidan left him alone to talk to Jacob to call his mother.

They were going down to Omega to soon recruit an archangel, and he wanted to ask his mother for a favor. Last night after Kaidan fell asleep, he stared at him for a long time while thinking about their lives. John has always been a determined person, so when he sets his mind to something, he gets it, but also before he met Kaidan, his life had no purpose.

"Son, I think you're rushing things; finish the mission first then-"

"Stop!" John yelled at his mother, which he didn't want to do, but she made him angry. "I'm not saying I'm getting married now, I want to ask Kaidan to marry me, and I need you to help me pick up a ring for me. I'm sure of what I want, and I want Kaidan to be my husband."

"Oh, John..."

"I love him, mom, I adore Kaidan, you testified how I suffered when he died, so if fate gave him back to me, I want to commit to him." John has never been so sure of something as he is now. When John met Kaidan, he never thought that he could fall in love the way he is right now, and losing his lover made him understand that his life without him would be miserable. He wants Kaidan in his life forever.

John didn't even think that he would get married one day, but when Miranda was rebuilding Kaidan's body, he swore that if his lover woke up, he would not hesitate to take that step when the time was right. John has dreams, and one of them is growing old next to his lover. He wants to have one or two children with his boyfriend, so he asked his mother to buy two engagement rings. When they finish their mission, he wants to marry the most adorable man in the world, the only one who can make him happy.

"It's okay, son, and don't get me wrong; I approve of your relationship with Kaidan because I know that he is the ideal partner for you; I just wanted you to do things right so that you have a beautiful wedding."

"Thanks, mom. I must go now, but when I have more time, I'll call you back. I love you."

"I love you too, son, take care."

When John finished the call, his boyfriend walked through the door, and a natural smile spread across his face. Kaidan gave him one of those looks that made him forget Everything. "Why are you looking at me like that, babe?" His man approached him, grabbed his cheek, and gave him a passionate kiss. "Uhm ... I'm not complaining, but what was that kiss about?"

Kaidan grabbed John's hands, brought them to his mouth, kissed them one by one, before looking at him. "I just remembered something, John."

John's eyes went wide. "Really?" Kaidan nodded. "What did you remember?"

"It was blurry, but we were in bed, and you whispered something in my ear, something that moved me. I just can not catch what you said."

John smiled since he remembers that moment as if it happened yesterday, so he moved his mouth close to Kaidan's ear. "You are the person who won my heart, and the only one who makes my life perfect, I adore you." When John withdrew his face and looked at his lover, tears had accumulated in her eyes. "Kaidan ..."

"Why, John? Why fate played a trick on us? Why did life do that to you? You loved me, and in that memory, I felt so much affection coming for you, you didn't deserve that."

"Hey, stop, I don't want to see you sad. Remember what I promised you yesterday. We need to forget the past." John sighed and grabbed his lover'.s cheeks. "Yes, I will not deny that I suffered a lot, but you're here again, making me just as happy as you did before." John wiped Kaidan's tears with his thumb. "Give me a smile; I need it for the next mission." Kaidan smiled at him. "That is what I need, and I am happy that you have a memory of us."

"I want to remember more."

"I know you are going to recover your memory, but Everything takes time; we have to be patient. Now let's go down to Omega."

With that said, they shared one last kiss and put on their armor then left the Cabin. Despite John's fear when Kaidan is on the battlefield, he is happy to have him fighting by his side again. The two years that Kaidan was absent and John helped the Illusive man alongside Miranda and Jacob; he missed his sentinel fighting with him. He moved closer to Kaidan as they walked, and the two shared a sweet look.

"Don't worry, Commander, I will obey you."

With that said, John put his mind on the mission. The first thing they did was talk to Aria, who had information about Archangel and the professor. John realized that Kaidan didn't like Aria, nor did he like Omega, and he understands why the place is dirty. Archangel had managed to piss off half Omega; therefore, they will have to pretend that they also want to hunt him and pose as mercenaries to get to him. When they finally reached Archangel, after fighting many mercenaries, John was surprised who the Turian was.

John opens his arms with a smile spread around his face. "Garrus."

"Shepard, I couldn't believe that was you and ... wait, Kaidan ..." Garrus looked at his old Commander. "I don't understand..."

"I guess you know him," Kaidan spoke to John.

"Yes, Garrus was part of my crew, and you two got along really well."

"Then why did he shoot you?"

"Hey, I just brush his armor to cover up appearances."

"Kaidan Garrus is right, he never missing; if he wanted to kill me, he would have done so," John said then looked at Garrus. "Garrus Cerberus offered to rebuild Kaidan's body on the condition that I join them, and I did," John spoke, then curled his lips. "The only problem with his reconstruction is that he lost his memory."

"Now, I understand why you disappeared." Garrus looked at Kaidan. "Well, it's so good to see you again."

John noticed that Kaidan didn't react; he just stared coldly at Garrus. "Okay, back on the mission, Garrus explain to me what you did to pissed off half of the Omega?"

"I just cleaned it up a bit."

John wasn't surprised by that answer; Garrus has always been a kind of vigilante. "Okay, what is the plan?"

Protecting Garrus was John's priority as they fought against mercenaries who wanted to kill him. John has always liked Garrus's fighting style; he is a good sniper, so he is happy to fight by his side again. As mercenaries, they sent a gunship, which took them by surprise. Garrus got hurt, and John felt his heart sink when he saw his friend bleeding on the floor; he didn't look well.

Kaidan saw the desperation on John's face as he looked at Garrus. "John, we have to get him out of here, so Miranda can help him. Help me lift him."

Kaidan's voice made him react. He crouched and placed his hands on Garrus's shoulders. "Hang on, Garrus; you'll be fine." John looked over at Kaidan, who crouched to help him lift Garrus. "Let do it." With Kaidan's help, John raised Garrus, and they rushed towards the ship.

Miranda was waiting for them when they entered the Normandy, so he had to leave his friend in her hands. Losing Kaidan may have traumatized him because he's not handling the situation very well. John looked at his boyfriend. "Kaidan, I don't feel too well."

Kaidan immediately became concerned and walked over to him. "Miranda will take time with Garrus. Go to our Cabin, clean the blood, and remove your armor. I'll make sure Everything is okay here before I meet you."

"Don't be late," John said and walked to the elevator with Kasumi, who followed him, and he was too shocked to ask her why she is following him.

Kasumi pressed the button to the first floor and saw her Commander lean his back against the wall, fold his arms, and close his eyes. "Are you okay, Shep?"

"Yes, so you don't have to accompany me," John replied but didn't open his eyes.

"But I want to do it; you look pale."

John didn't respond when he felt the elevator stop; he opened his eyes, uncrossed his arms, and stepped outside. Kasumi followed him into his Cabin. He urgently needed a drink, so he headed to the bar. "Do you want a drink?"

"Yeah. Hey Shep, I know what happened to Kaidan. I'm not only a brilliant thief; I am particularly good at obtaining information. I wanted to know about you since we are going to work together, so I dug into your past."

On any other occasion, John would have been angry with that revelation as he does not like anyone digging into his past. The thing is that right now; he only cares about Garrus's well-being, so he made two drinks and handed one to her. "From what you explained to us, you lost someone too."

Kasumi took a sip of her drink before reacting to that comment. "Yes, but I didn't have the luck that you had. My boyfriend still dead, yours is alive and very worried about you; I saw it in his eyes. Garrus will be fine and don't feel bad about your reaction. Losing someone you love leaves scars on you and showing that you have feelings doesn't make you weak; it makes you human."

John was a bit surprised because he didn't expect so much sympathy from Kasumi, and she was right; he is a lucky man. "Thank you, Kasumi, and don't you worry, I will help you recover Keiji's memories."

"Thanks, Shep."

They chatted for a while longer before Kaidan found him sitting looking down at the floor; he didn't even hear him coming; he only felt when he put his hand on his shoulder, John then looked up. "Oh love, I didn't hear you coming. Have you heard about Garrus?"

"No, it's too early, but you haven't removed your armor or wiped Garrus's blood from your face."

"I am sorry."

Kaidan grabbed the glass John was holding, set it on the table, and then grabbed his man's hands to help him get up; he then began to remove his armor. "I realized that Garrus means a lot to you."

"Yes, he does, but no in the way-" He stopped when Kaidan put a finger in his mouth.

"It never crossed my mind. I realized that you two were very close, and I mean it by how you two greeted each other. Garrus seems like a good person; I like him."

"Oh, Babe, what a relief to hear you say that. You are right, but he was not only my friend, but he was also yours." John chuckled. "Garrus always teased me because sometimes he caught me staring at your ass in combat."

Kaidan couldn't help but blush. "You used to do that?"

John shook his head and sighed. "Yes, your ass is perfect. I've always been obsessed with it." He grabbed his man around the waist. "Thank you for worrying about me."

"You are welcome, love. Now let's go to the bathroom so we can take a quick shower then go check on Garrus; I'm worried about him too."

John felt relief to hear his lover express himself like that because that is the man he fell in love with, someone who always thinks of others.

"As you said, Miranda, he can fix it, plus Garrus is strong."

Kaidan smiled. "That's how I like to hear you talk."

"I know, Babe. Let's go take that shower."

While they were in the shower, John let his sentinel soap up his body because he loves it when he does that. Thanks to his man's care, John's body felt fresh and comfortable. Kaidan chose their clothes, so they quickly got dressed, but they shared a big hug before leaving the Cabin. A while later, they were waiting in the meeting room when their old friend arrived.

John put on a big smile for his friend. Garrus's face now has new scars, but the important thing was that he looked good. "Garrus, how do you feel?"

"Like new, but be honest, how do I look?"

"Hell, Garrus, you have always looked ugly."

Garrus started to laugh but stopped in the middle because of the pain. "Don't make me laugh; it hurts. The good news is that women like men with scars."

John shook his head. "Glad to hear that you haven't lost your sense of humor."

Kaidan had remained silent listening to the two old friends, but then he approached them. "I'm glad you're okay, Garrus, and I apologize for my rudeness towards you early."

"You don't have to apologize, Kaidan, I understand. Since you do not remember me, I am a new face for you, and the situation in which we found ourselves was not the most pleasant one. But I want you to know that I am glad that you are back with us so you can keep Shepard in check."

"Oh, come on; I don't need him to check on me," John said, then shook his head. "Well, sometimes."

The three of them laughed, and Garrus looked at Kaidan. "You are Everything to that man, and losing you broke him. I will never forget his face when he came out of that pod without you; he looked devastated."

Kaidan looked at John and smiled at him before looking at Garrus again. "Believe me, Garrus, I know what my death did to John, and now I'm here to ease that pain, all thanks to Cerberus. Well, I'm going to leave you two alone to talk; I'm sure you two have a lot to catch up."

"Babe, where are you going? You don't have to go."

"I'm going to talk to Joker. I will see you in our Cabin."

Garrus waited for Kaidan to leave the room before addressing his friend. "Shepard, does Kaidan know who Cerberus is?"

John sighed before answering. "I told you that Kaidan doesn't remember anything."

"But you have, or you forgot the experiments that they were conducting in those bases that we dismantled."

"Of course, I haven't forgotten, but Cerberus is not the enemy now; besides, that organization was the one that brought Kaidan back to me; therefore, they have my support."

"Shepard-"

John put his hand in front. "As long as they are helping me protect our colonies, I will be supporting them, so are you with me, Garrus?"

"Great now, you can help me take care of Kaidan."

"But he looks good, well he suffers from memory loss, but physically the man is in good shape."

John took a long breath. "You are right; he is in perfect shape, and in combat, he is very agile and more powerful, but even so, I am afraid that something can happen to him again."

"I noticed his new abilities."

"But those new abilities have made him fearless on the battlefield. He is stronger, but he still a human being so he can get hurt." John rubbed his forehead. "Garrus, I am not the same man you used to know; losing Kaidan made me weak, and I am full of fears."

Garrus put his hands on his friend's shoulders. "You are passionate about Everything you do, and when you fell in love with Kaidan, he became your whole world. When Kaidan died, something in you also died; therefore, it is natural that you are afraid of losing him again, but that will not happen. I know you, you will take care of him with your life if possible, and I will help you."

"Really"

"Of course, the galaxy needs you, and Kaidan is vital to you; therefore, you have my support to guard his back."

"Only his back, his ass is mine," John joked.

Garrus laughed and removed his hands. "Glad to know that some things never change. You've always had an obsession with that man's ass."

"Yes, I do." John smiled before addressing his friend. "Glad to have you back, Garrus."

"I'm glad to be part of your crew again, Shepard, and together we will make sure to bring down the collectors."

"We will."

John continued talking to Garrus for a little longer; then, he went to talk to Miranda. An hour later, he returned to his Cabin, where he found his man lying on their bed. John took off his shoes, followed by his shirt, and then he got in bed with his man. John wrapped his left arm around Kaidan's waist and pulled him toward his body, then leaned his chin on his left shoulder and kissed his cheek.

Kaidan opened his eyes and smiled when John kissed his cheek. He moved his left arm back and placed his hand on John's neck. "I am sorry, love; I fell asleep."

"Are you tired?" John asked as he moved his hand forward and began to unbutton his pants.

Kaidan chuckled. "I'm never tired of you, Commander. If you want me, you will have me."

Those words made his cock throb with pleasure. He sought Kaidan's lips at the same time that he inserted his hand inside his man's pants and began to stroke his cock over his briefs. "Yes, I wish you bad. I need you, babe."

"You're feeling good?"

"Yes, why do you ask me that now?" John bit his lip and rubbed his erection against Kaidan's ass.

"Because I know you and sometimes you use sex as an escape when you're under pressure."

John didn't like that comment at all. He withdrew his hand and leaned to the side. "If you don't want to have sex, you just have to tell me. I'm not going to force you."

Kaidan rolled over, lay on his left side, and then placed his hand on his lover's chest. "I think your dick doesn't agree with your words." He slowly lowered his hands to the zipper of John's pants and undid it. "I say it because of what happened with Garrus; you were significantly affected, and scared of losing your friend."

"I don't want to talk about it, and stop touching me; you already killed the mood."

Kaidan laughed and pulled out John's cock. "Say that to your cock because I don't think it got the message." Kaidan then started kissing John's lips; finally, his man grabbed him by his cheeks, then turned him over and pinned him against the bed. Kaidan placed his legs around his waist and moved provocatively under him. "What are you waiting for, Commander Shepard, fuck me."

"You know, that dirty mouth of yours is what sometimes makes me cum so fast." His man moved his mouth to his ear and bit his lobe. "You don't want me to talk or make any noise?"

"Don't you dare," John said, then let out a growl before kissing him. For a while, they did nothing but kiss each other, then began to undress. They stroked each other's bodies. John grabbed their cocks and rubbed them together; he turned his head to the right as his lover began to kiss his neck.

"Do you want me to suck you?"

"No love, sit on top of me, I want to fuck you like that." When Kaidan moved, John straightened his cock; his man then started to finger his ass. "Let me do it, babe." John leaned forward, dipped his finger in his mouth, and then thrust it inside Kaidan's ass.

Kaida felt his ass spread as he leaned down to kiss his man. When he was ready, he grabbed John's cock straightened it, and slowly sat on it. Kaidan placed his hands on John's chest and began to move. "God, babe, your dick feels so hard."

"It's your fault," John spoke and then put his hands on his lover's waist.

John looked straight into his lover's eyes because he likes the passion he sees in them when they are having sex, a look he has missed for over two years. John sat up and put his arms around his lover's body then tilted his head up to kiss his man. They kissed passionately for a while, then Kaidan began to move faster, and John couldn't control the moans that came out of his mouth. He started to move in conjunction with his lover.

Kaidan's cock got trapped between their bodies, and John reached in and grabbed it to rub it, which made his lover moan even louder. His cock felt harder; John had to fight himself not to cum. He moved his left hand up over Kaidan's sweat back and held it there. "Babe, I love you," John murmured before seeking Kaidan's lips again.

Kaidan bit his lover's lips hard since the way that John was rubbing his cock was making him lose control. His lover's dick found that spot on his ass that would make him cum soon. "John, I'm very close," Kaidan warned him.

John lifted their bodies, laid Kaidan on the bed, grabbed his ankles, spread his legs, and moved wildly inside him. "Grab your dick, babe." Kaidan did. "Look at me, love; I want you to cum looking directly at my eyes."

"Fuck, John!"

John felt his balls fill; he knew he was close too, and when Kaidan screamed, and his semen started splashing his stomach, he cum hard inside his man's ass. "Oh, fuck!" He yelled, then his body began to twist, from the intense orgasm he just had. For a moment, he stayed inside his lover, moving slowly, prolonging his orgasm, then collapsed in his arms.

Kaidan put his hands on his man's sweaty cheek then planted a loving kiss on his lips. "That was fantastic."

John slowly nibbled his lover's lips, kiss him calmly for a bit before responding to that comment. "It was more than that. Babe, I adore you."

"Me too. Now let's get cleaned up."

They got up and walked together to the bathroom and took a shower. About half an hour later, John was naked, hugging Kaidan under the blanket, his man has his head resting on his chest, and he was slowly stroking his back. "How do you know that sometimes I use sex as an escape. Did you remember anything else?"

"No, I just know the same way I knew that I was in love with you when I saw you for the first time after my resurrection."

John moved his head to kiss his lover's cheek then pressed him tightly to his body. "Kaidan, I know you don't like me talking about this, but having you like this, in my arms, after I thought that I had lost you forever ..." John's voice cracked.

Kaidan raised his head and looked at his lover. "John, love, please don't do this again, no now."

"I am so sorry. I feel that I don't deserve this new opportunity with you. I failed you, Kaidan."

Kaidan grabbed John's cheek and stared at his beautiful blue eyes as he spoke. "You didn't fail me, John. My heart tells me that you would never have failed me. Now for the last time, please try to forget the past, and let's live in the present."

"Okay, love." Kaidan let go of his cheeks, but he moved his hand to his right cheek and stroked it with his fingers' back. "You know I was so strong before I met you. After my father died, nothing broke me, and you softened me. I'm happy that you did. My heart is full of you."

"I don't remember the life I had before we meet, but I'm sure it was nothing compared to the one I have with you now. I will never forget what you have done for me, and John, I will be with you until the end of time."

"If you go, I go."

"If you go, I go," John repeated. "I will love you beyond death," John said and then kissed his man.


End file.
